


Open wounds, closed heart

by nekoclair



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Diary, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Illness, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Victuri, small chapters, therapy au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2018-10-28 18:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 45,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10836561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekoclair/pseuds/nekoclair
Summary: Sometimes it hurts. It's not a physical pain, but the marks that they leave are real, too real, and it express itself in the most diverse forms. The heavy breathing, the sleepless nights, the bad habit of thinking too much about matters that should be trivial, and so many other symptoms chase after the young writer who, no longer enduring his own routine, decides to accept any help. Yuri Katsuki opens his arms and welcomes the opportunity to change, and to learn how to live with his worst and most insistent companion: his anxiety.





	1. Day 1

06/05/2017

 

No longer wishing to worry my parents with my anxiety attacks, I went today to my first meeting on the Support Group for Anxious and Depressive People, or simply SGADP, which gave me the impression of being a friendly place. Dr. Minako Okukawa, the psychiatrist responsible for the group, seemed to be patient and sympathetic. Maybe it wasn’t a bad idea to listen to Dr. Celestino's advice after all. And I'll have to thank Phichit later for helping me find this place.

Since it was the first Saturday of the month, there were no lectures or any specific activity. Instead, we had an hour of interaction, for people to talk and get distracted. The only rule was that no one could be alone. At first I thought I would end up being isolated, but Leo and Guang insisted on including me in their conversation and, although we didn’t have many tastes in common, the conversation flowed very well. It was fun. It'd been a while since I'd last spoken to strangers so smoothly.

After that we had a brief break. I started to feel a little bad, so I pulled away before they could notice (I didn’t want to worry them, especially when I barely knew them). Outside the building and away from the rest, I found a yard of concrete with a table next to the wall. At first I thought I was alone, but then a man smiled at me and waved, beckoning me to sit with him. Unwilling to interact with anyone at that moment, I bowed briefly and went back into the hall. I went to wash my face in the bathroom and then joined the group again.

After the break, we dragged the chairs and formed a circle with them. Dr. Minako turned on a radio and soft music began to play. And then it began. She called the names of a list and asked each one to say something about how they felt, about their feelings, that kind of stuff. I waited for my time to arrive anxiously, thinking about what exactly I should say. In the end, I chose not to be totally sincere and said that I had been well in the last few days and that my anxiety hadn’t bothered me so much lately. My conscience felt heavy for lying, but I couldn’t help it; I just couldn’t. I just hope the doctor didn’t realize my lack of honesty. While I tormented myself, the wheel continued and everyone who was present spoke.

At the end of the meeting, I said farewell to Leo and Guang, promising to return next week. They looked happy. I wonder if people give up too easily on the group. I was walking toward my mother's car, who had come to fetch me (though I had said many times that a 23 year old guy didn’t need this kind of treatment), when the man I had seen earlier in the yard tapped my shoulder and waved. "Until next week," he said and disappeared before I could say anything. But since he was probably a volunteer, I would certainly see him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! :) Now, I'd like to say a few things, so hang on just a little bit longer, please.  
> I know the chapter is small but, believe me, there's a reason for that. With the progress I promise they will grow a little bit. However, they will never be exorbitantly large (if that were to happen, I wouldn't even be able to update so often).  
> Well, that's all. Thank you for giving this story a chance. Comments are highly encouraged, and you can be sure that I will respond to everyone with a large smile on my face. Critics are also welcome as long as they are constructive.  
> Oh, actually I forgot to say something. The development of the story is very slow, so I will have to ask for a little bit of pacience from your part.  
> Find me on [Tumblr!](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/)  
> See you next week!


	2. Day 2

13/05/2017

  
  


The following Saturday, I arrived early at SGADP, since my mother (who usually brought and picked me up) had appointments in the city. I only realized how early I was when I saw that, besides me, only Minako and the volunteer had arrived. But seeing that they talked about some serious matter (or at least that was the impression they gave me) I left them alone and went into the yard, where I stayed until I heard the sound of new voices inside the room.

Today, I took part in my first activity. Known as "Free Fall", it’s meant to grow trust inside the group. The participants form a circle and someone goes to the middle. This person has to lean in any direction and the others have to make sure the person won’t fall. I must admit I wasn’t very excited about the idea of being thrown from one side to another, but in the end it ended well and I didn’t fall flat on the ground. The people were strangely kind and some even seemed to be enjoying themselves; like the volunteer, who seemed to be the liveliest of them all. He smiled a lot, and all the time.

During the break, I stayed with Leo and Guang. We drank water, went to the bathroom... Nothing specific or important. At least this time I didn’t have an anxiety attack.

Next was the turn of the "talk wheel". Like the previous week, we sat on a circle and started talking about our emotions. I still didn’t feel quite comfortable opening up for everyone present, but at least I was able to be more sincere this time and comment on the crisis I had had on Tuesday because of the stress at work. Minako seemed to be satisfied so I guess I can count this as a breakthrough. Also, everyone was shocked to know that I was a writer and they even asked for my pseudonym, which of course I didn’t provide (it took me almost a year to reveal it to my parents, so no chances of me going out there and tell everyone about it; I like being an renowned unknown).

On my way out, I saw Minako and the volunteer again talking; or rather, fighting; or rather, the volunteer was getting a hell of a earful. She seemed to be really mad at him, and I wondered what he could have done. Minako seemed to be the kind of person who would always forgive and listen to what the other person had to say, so the scene was a surprise. Whatever he did must have been serious. I wonder if it was something he did during the wheel, when he magically disappeared from the room. But since this was not my problem, I decided to ignore the scene and just walked to the car that was waiting for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One week, one update, just like I said.  
> I know things aren't really interesting yet but I can assure you that it gets better!   
> Feel free to send me a comment. Whatever you have to say is important to me. Your opinion is important to me and it would be nice to get some feedback...   
> Well, see you next week. Hope you have a great week. :)


	3. Day 3

20/05/2017

 

Third week taking part in SGADP. Today, I was kind of praised by Leo and Guang; apparently, they didn’t have much faith that I would continue coming. Not knowing how to react appropriately, I ended up forcing a laugh that caused an uncomfortable silence. Nothing like starting the day well!

Today's activity was simply strange. And when I say strange I'm not exaggerating at all. In "Animal Sounds" we basically imitate animals and, blindfolded, we walk around the room trying to identify who the other person is. Also, the fact that the choice of the animal was made by Dr. Minako didn’t help at all, after all, with my luck, of course I ended up with an embarrassing animal such as the pig. It was horrible. We were a bunch of teens and adults barking, mewing and roaring, super uncomfortable; except for a certain volunteer who seemed to have no problem in growling, barking and jumping on the others excitedly.

During the break, as expected, I wasn’t feeling well at all. Not just me, but many others. Perhaps the doctor should think better about her choice of activities; what she seemed to be doing, as she paced the room with a clipboard in her hands, her eyes full of worry. Not wanting to be questioned, I headed out into the yard of concrete. At the discreet table by the wall was the volunteer who, surprisingly, wasn’t smiling; or, at least, not until he saw me standing beside the door. But that brief moment of seriousness was enough for me to accept, this time, his invitation to sit with him. His name was Victor. He asked me how I was doing and if I needed anything, which I thought was kind of him, but I said no. He then asked me to at least keep him company, so we spent the rest of the break talking about trivial matters. Victor smiled a lot and, before I knew it, they were calling us inside. Time went by so fast.

When we entered the room, everyone was already arranging the chairs in a circle. I joined Leo and helped him with the chairs, which were stacked. After everything was done, I sat down next to Guang and Leo, waiting for Minako to start reading the names on the list. Looking around, I noticed that Victor had disappeared, as he always did when the wheel was about to begin. I just hoped he wouldn’t get in any trouble this time. When I looked in Minako’s direction I noticed that she sighed, but I couldn’t say whether or not that was related to the volunteer’s absence. When she finally announced the end of that day's session and we all got up and started arranging the chairs back to their place, Victor was suddenly back, piling up the chairs in the corner of the room. She was staring at him and I looked at them both, one at a time, trying to understand what was happening but, at the same time, not wanting to get involved.

Today, I left with a weight on my chest, and feeling a little thoughtful. Victor nodded toward me when I passed by him, but I didn’t answer to his gesture. I was tired and wanted nothing more than the tranquility of my home. I hope I didn’t upset him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are liking this fanfiction.  
> Feel free to tell me your opinion by leaving a comment. I would love to know what are your thoughts of this history.   
> Things are, from now on, going to start becoming more interesting, so I hope you will take a look at it.  
> See you next week~


	4. Day 4

27/05/2017

 

In the last Saturday of the month, a lecture is always presented by Minako. It’s also held a community picnic, in which everyone bring something different and we all get together for a little snack before heading home. Incited by the story, my mother (an exaggerating person) pushed me an enormous bag full of sandwiches as I left the car. I wasn’t surprised, since I was already expecting something like that to happen, but I still couldn’t help but feel embarrassed when I walked into the room with three times more food than the others.

After dropping the sandwiches on the table set in the back of the room,  I approached Leo and Guang and sat down next to them. Victor appeared soon after, asking to sit with us, to what we all nodded; though I wondered if he, as a volunteer, didn’t have to stay close to doctor Minako to help her with whatever she needed. I didn’t, however, state my doubts. I remained silent as Leo and Guang talked to each other, but then Victor started talking to me and, before I knew it, we were showing each other pictures of our dogs while happily talking about them. We even had the same breed of dog: poodle. He also brought up the idea of we letting Makkachin and Vicchan meet some day, but I find that kind of difficult to ever happen.

The lecture then started and everyone went silent. Minako brought a whiteboard and a black pen, in addition to a stack of sheets that she left in a table beside her. She seemed much more serious than usual and showed a more professional stance; quite different from the cheerful persona I had witnessed so far. She talked about new breathing techniques and visualizations exercises. She spoke about various things. It was so much information that I almost regretted not having brought a notebook to take notes, but then she said she would send it all to our emails later and I felt calmer.

As soon as she announced that we would be having a brief interval, Victor got up and said he would be back right away, gesturing toward the phone in his hand. Seeing the opportunity I was given, I took the time to ask Leo and Guang about Victor, who became a more curious and interesting person each time we talked. And, to my surprise, I discovered that my assumption that he was nothing more than a volunteer was totally wrong. Victor was one of us, and apparently he had been part of SGADP for a long time already, but no one knew his story well. There was more thing I wanted to ask, but Victor soon returned, smiling as usual. The lecture then resumed and I found myself with no option but to leave the subject aside (for now).

After hearing Minako speak for another half an hour, she announced the end of the month’s lectures and asked us to serve ourselves to the food that awaited on the back of the room. I followed behind Victor and the others, thinking whether or not ask him about his situation, but then he suddenly turned toward us and said he would be leaving early today. Although dissatisfied, I told him my goodbye. I joined Leo and Guang, but nothing they said was enough to make me stop thinking about Victor. The only good thing that followed was that there were no sandwiches left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to borrow a computer to post the chapter so there may be some grammar errors and stuff like that. I didn't have the time to review it one last time before posting, so if you find anything please tell me so that I can correct it.  
> If you are accompanying and enjoying this story, would you please comment? I would love to hear your oppinion! I'm always starving for some critics, so come at me with everything you have got!  
> Well, until next week~


	5. Day 5

03/06/2017

 

Today I once again arrived early at SGADP, but this time it was intentional. After last month’s experience, if there is one thing I’ve noticed is that there are two people who always arrived in advance: Minako, for obvious reasons (after all she has to open the gates and receive the participants), and Victor, for whom I created a cheap excuse just to justify my sudden desire to leave home almost 20 minutes before the usual time. Luckily, they were really there when I arrived. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the courage to get closer to them, and I blame that on my social phobia.

After spending about 15 minutes doing absolutely nothing, hidden in the bathroom (I felt that, if I were to go to the yard, they would find me and I would have to interact, which is something I was no longer willing to do), it was time to start today’s session and I was forced to leave my hiding spot. But since when it rains it pours, of course that today was a interaction day; today of all times, that I wished nothing more than a deep, dark hole to jump inside and erase my existence. But since no one could stay isolated and interacting was mandatory, I approached the two boys with whom I normally interacted and who immediately noticed that I was not well. We secluded ourselves in a corner, but we weren’t able to go unnoticed in the eyes of the psychiatrist, that quickly approached us and persuaded me to follow her into the yard.

While everyone chatted, I stayed with Minako in the yard. It was her, me and an uncomfortable silence that took a while to be extinguished. She asked me how were things at home and at work. She asked me if I usually took any medication. Asked about my crisis and their frequencies. Asked when was the last time I went to a appointment with Celestino… Those kind of stuff. Finally, she asked if I wanted to leave for today and said that, if I were really not okay, that it would be better for me to just go home. But, before giving me a chance to answer, she told me to think about it while she went inside to announce break time, and for me to go find her after some minutes when I’ve decided in my response.

After a while, noticing the growing movimentation and bothered by the yard not being exclusively mine anymore, I went after the psychiatrist. I found her talking to Victor, what left me somewhat unwilling to approach. But then he noticed me and nodded, and I saw myself with no options but to push the uncomfortable feelings away and walk in their direction. For my surprise, I found out they were talking about me, and that I had gained a ride home. Or, in Minako’s words, “Since Victor is going to run away soon, he should at least do something useful and take you home.”

In the car, Victor tried to start a conversation with me sometimes, but my reluctance was enough for him to give up. After leading him through the neighborhood, the radio playing in the background, uselessly trying to uplift the mood that was getting increasingly gloomy, he parked in front of my house. After wishing me a fast recovery, he said he wished to see me next saturday and also to talk more with me from now on. I got out of the car after an awkward smile, saying nothing but a downcast goodbye, however, the memory of his smile pulsed on my mind as a bad feeling started to grow inside my chest, where my heart beat faster than I would like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to make my week better? Send me a commentary! I will happily answer to whatever you have to say! Your opinion is really important to me!  
> See you next week~  
> Find me on [Tumblr!](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	6. Day 6

10/06/2017

 

Today, as soon as I put my feet into the hall, Leo and Guang came running toward me. They asked me how I was doing and complained that I had suddenly disappeared the previous week. I apologized, knowing that I really acted badly, especially when they had stayed by my side during my anxiety attack until I was taken away by the doctor. They then asked for my cell phone number, so we could communicate on the other days of the week, and also so that stressful situations like that wouldn’t happen again. I must admit that I got somewhat happy at their request; it‘s as if we were really friends, not just colleagues who met each other from time to time and who were forced to interact.

As we entered the room, we realized that doctor Minako was finishing arranging things to start the activity. Victor suddenly appeared beside me and I was unable to stop my heart from taking a small leap despite having spent the whole week trying to convince it that I shouldn’t confuse neediness with attraction. I didn’t like Victor, or his gentle smiles, or the pleasant tone of his voice. What I liked was the idea of having a loving company that would end the lonely future that I feared so much. Anyway, after greeting Victor quickly, I turned my attention back to the psychiatrist, who had begun the explanation.

The name of today's activity was "Fear in a hat". She handed us papers with the phrase "in this group, what I am most afraid of is ..." printed and pens. After everyone had written their fears, we would put the papers inside a hat, where one by one we would randomly pick one up, read it aloud and then comment on the sorted person's fear. After writing "creating expectations" on my own piece of paper, I waited until everyone had done the same. My fear was very specific so whoever raffled me had no problem explaining what I felt. I, on the other hand, didn’t have the same luck. "Drowning." I had to think for a few seconds about about what that meant, since the literal meaning didn't seem right to me. In the end, I said that the person was probably afraid to fall to the bottom of a pit and get lost in the darkness of the negative feelings they created themselves. Everyone was very surprised at my choice of words, but then they remembered that I was a writer and the surprise was soon gone. Except for Victor, who seemed genuinely stunned by what I had said. I tried to ignore his eyes, which fixed themselves on me until the interval was announced, when I could finally escape to the bathroom, where I stayed until the "talk wheel" began.

As expected, Victor had disappeared when I got back to the group. He always disappeared. But at least that meant I wouldn’t have to see him anytime soon, what was fine. I sat down next to Leo and, wondering about Guang's sudden absence, I asked about him. Apparently, he had to leave earlier because of his mother, who was feeling sick. I thought about sending him a message later, but then I realized that I would be nothing more than a busybody doing so. The wheel began and, feeling comfortable enough, I talked about how I was feeling things I should not, false feelings, and that I didn’t know how to deal with them. All that Minako told me was that there were no such a thing as false feelings, that everything is a matter of how one views their feelings and themselves. Her words were enough to leave me thoughtful for a moment, but then I realized that no, there was no way that I was attracted to Victor.

When I was leaving, as I walked to the car, I got a glimpse of Victor talking to the doctor. Victor wasn’t smiling, Minako looked worried and I was curious about what was happening. But it wasn’t my problem, so I got into the car and left.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hope you guys are liking this story so far.   
> Can I ask for some comments? Please. That would make me happy and I'm kinda needing them right now... Thanks anyway.   
> See you next week~


	7. Day 7

17/06/2017

 

Today, as I got out of the car, my mother smiled at me like she hadn’t smiled for a long time. She seemed much more relieved, and surely that was because she was pleased that I was taking SGADP so seriously. I didn’t say anything to her, and neither did she, but the glances exchanged between us was more than enough. It was good to see that the worry in her eyes had dissipated at least a little.

Inside the hall, I went to meet my friends, who waved in my direction as soon as they saw me. I asked Guang about his mother and he said that she was feeling better, which made me relax. Leo then complained that I hadn’t sent any messages in the group he had created for the three of us, to which I replied with an apology. I didn’t know what to say to start a conversation and to have the subject die after a "Hi, how are you?" sounded kind of embarrassing. Before further complaints could be made, Minako came out from nowhere and asked everyone to pull the chairs and sit in a circle.

Today's activity was "Two Lies and a Truth," and I think the name is kind of self-explanatory: you say three things about yourself, two of them being lies, and the group has to figure out which information is true. Surprisingly, most had their lies guessed; I, however, belonged to the other group. Apparently, among so many genres, what they least imagined me writing was terror; this really surprised everyone. Another who managed to deceive the others was Victor, who said he lived with someone. But then they asked who he lived with and then there was a discussion about how "It doesn’t matter that Makkachin is incredible and it’s like a son to you, he does not count. He's a dog. " In the end, I guess his truth wasn’t really true, excluding you from my group.

During the break, Victor came quickly toward us, the cell phone swaying in his hands. He insisted on showing us new photos he had taken of Makkachin during the week and, frankly, either his dog was super photogenic or Victor was secretly a photographer. As he switched the photos, an extra appeared in the middle, which Victor hurried through. It was a picture of him, on what I imagine to be a skating rink. His hair was long and his appearance a few years younger. I thought about asking about the photo, but the expressions I found on his face were enough to make me change my mind; his eyes begged me not to question him.

During the wheel I couldn’t get Victor out of my mind, even though my eyes could no longer see him; as always, he had disappeared as soon as he had the opportunity. Was he afraid to talk about what he felt? Was he that afraid of opening up, of exposing himself? Well, it's not like we all didn’t feel that way. It was a common and inevitable sentiment. Lost in thought, I was unable to focus on what the others were saying and, when it was my turn, I was taken by surprise since I was distracted. I simply said that I had many things in my head and that I wished I could understand at least half of the things that disturbed me, and so the wheel followed.

On my way out, Victor again appeared, waving his goodbye to the other participants as if nothing had happened, as if he himself had not disappeared. I watched until they all disappeared through the gate, and then the smile on Victor's lips dropped and his features became more serious, more tired. He turned around and was surprised to find me standing in the hall, staring at him. He tried to smile but was unable to. I walked toward him and silently said my goodbye, just touching his shoulder and looking into his eyes before walking towards my mother's car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking a bit of your day to read this fic. It makes me really happy.  
> Comments would be appreciated and I will answer each one with a big smile on my face. :)
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com).
> 
> Also, my dear friend (winks at Lari) did an edit for me so I decided to create a [masterpost](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it). Maybe you could help with a reblog? It would make me really happy. BTW, go and take a look at [Lari's tumblr](http://croptoptomlinson.tumblr.com/). She's amazing and maybe you have commom interests? Go there and find out.


	8. Day 8

24/06/2017

 

Today, I didn’t go to SGADP. Instead, I spent all day in front of the computer, working, or playing with Vicchan when my inspiration showed no signs of life.

Strangely, I missed the group more than I though I would, but I think that was inevitable. I’ve always been a person who liked routines, to follow a pattern day by day, week by week, month by month. And, although it hasn’t been that long since I started attending SGADP, the place had already become a fix point in my week. So, I found it difficult to focus on the words I had to get from my mind to the screen, trying to write lines and paragraphs for my next book that was already behind schedule. Luckily, the material from today's lectures would be e-mailed between tonight and tomorrow morning by the psychiatrist in charge, Dr. Minako Okukawa. Besides, I would certainly receive updates from Guang and Leo in our group, or at least that's what they promised me when I told them that I wouldn’t be able to go today. 

By the way, it has been nice to exchange messages with them. I never though that simple and unimportant conversations, without a specific subject, would be enough to break the stressful rhythm of my routine.

Another thing I think I should comment on is how I have not been able to get Victor out of my head all week; in fact, more specifically the photo of him that I saw on his phone. Among my frustrating attempts to put out the right words to tell the story of my book, I saw myself during my breaks with a sickly wish to commit madness, or rather, stupidity: to search for his name on the internet; or, at least, I thought about doing it but then I realized that I didn’t know his last name and that "Victor" was a name too common to give fruitful results. Maybe I should investigate a little more, look at the list of participants of SGADP... Okay, on second thought, it's better not, after all for this I would have to explain my reason to Minako and... Yeah. No, thanks. Not that it’s something very significant since what I feel toward Victor is nothing more than curiosity, after all, he is all mysterious and I never know what is going on in his head. But I'm certainly not interested in him romantically, as Phichit insists.

Speaking about Phichit, after a long time we finally had the chance to meet for coffee and talk. In the end, none of us had any interesting or relevant subjects, so we basically talked about SGADP and how my next appointment with Celestino was approaching. Still, it was good to see him again.

As for Celestino, I have much to thank him for. I wouldn’t have met the group, my new friends or even Victor if it hadn’t been for him. And, more than anything, his suggestion that I do weekly reports on the meetings was a great idea. Thanks to that, I can get rid of feelings that weigh on my mind daily but that I never acknowledged. It’s relaxing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't really know what to say, just... Comment, please. That would make me really happy.  
> See you next week~
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it)   
>  [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com)


	9. Day 9

01/07/2017

 

Today, I had just arrived when Guang and Leo rushed in my direction. At first I smiled as I saw them approach me, but when I noticed that I was the only one smiling I imitated the worried features they had on their faces. Without wasting time, I asked what had happened and, as soon as I got my answer, I followed them to the hall, where Victor and Minako argued without worrying if they’re being watched by everyone. Everyone watched their fight, but no one seemed willing to get involved and push the fight aside; not that I wanted to take that initiative either.

Victor called her incompetent and nosy, and all that I could think was that he was acting like a totally different person. Minako replied by saying that she was doing him a favor and pointed out that Victor never really tried to participate, that he treated the sessions of the group therapy as a joke. It was when she called him a coward that Victor got silent and, angrily, turned his back on her and walked away. He passed by me, however, he didn’t pay me any attention; or to Leo and Guang, who were standing by my side. Victor left without saying another word and, frankly, I still don’t know what to think about that whole situation.

As I was daydreaming everyone gathered around Minako, who seemed to be really shaken. I joined the group, half worried, half curious. However, she didn’t want to talk about what had just happened. She apologized for her unprofessional attitude and said she would understand if we didn’t want to attend the group any more. After saying this, everyone was quick to tell her that she was not the one to blame and that they intended to keep coming. While everyone was quick to blame Victor, some even insulting him, I wondered if there was no one who would defend him. Did they know something that I didn’t? Or, were they just trying to make the doctor feel better? But if that was it, I don’t see why they would insult him. Still, I remained silent, aware that bringing up my doubts wouldn’t help at all.

After fetching a glass of water for Minako and sitting her in a chair, she asked to be left alone for a while. She also said that we were free to leave if we wanted to and that there would be no more activities that day because she wasn’t feeling well and she didn’t want to do her job carelessly. Someone asked if we could stay in the hall talking until today's session was over, and she nodded and excused herself again for the inconvenience. The group scattered.

Sitting next to Leo and Guang, we tried to talk about random things, but when we saw that the subject always ended up returning to the fight we decided to simply talk about it. Since I was within a group where I wouldn’t be lynched by my seemingly different opinions, I asked what Victor had done. What exactly had happened before I arrived? They told me no one knew for sure, since everyone was scattered when it all started, but apparently she had complained about how Victor never joined the talk wheels and he didn’t like her insistence on him to participate. I asked if they didn’t think that maybe he was afraid to open up to others, to expose himself too much, which surprised them. “It's like you think about him all the time,” they said after saying that they didn’t think anyone had tried to see Victor that way. Apparently, everyone saw him as a cold, weird, and somewhat selfish person. Honestly, I don’t know how they got to these conclusions, because he never gave me those impressions.

As we talked time passed by and soon my mother was waiting for me, parked in front of the gate. I went home with a strange feeling in my chest, and a undying concern toward Victor. I hope he's alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone!  
> Today, I'm going to do something that I would rather not but... Can I beg for comments? Not ask, but beg. I'm honestly needing them right now, since your comments are the only thing that could cheer me up after a relatively bad week. It can be a "Continue please!" or a "Love this!" or whatever. What I really need is to feel some support from you guys right now... I'd love to hear some theories, tho. What do you think is happening? Why did Vitya act like that? I usually don't like to hear opinions because I am highly influenced by the good ideas that appear, but since I have the whole plot almost ready I think it's okay (this time).  
> Well that's it. I hope you're enjoying the story.  
> See you next week~
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it)   
>  [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com)


	10. Day 10

08/07/2017

 

Once more, I found myself creating excuses to be able to arrive at SGADP earlier. Why I did that? I simply felt that I had to talk to Victor about what had happened last week. As soon as I got there, I started to look for him, but all I found was Minako, who was arranging things for the activity that would be happening later. She greeted me and went back to what she was doing, leaving me alone with my thoughts until more people arrived.

The activity done that day was a creation of the doctor herself. She played a music consisting of instrumental instruments and we had to draw what came to our minds in response to the music; it could be something literal or even a representation of our feelings. It was a calming experience, though I admit I didn’t enjoy it as much as I wished to. Victor still hadn’t appeared and there were no signs that we would be coming, and that made me a bit worried.

During the break, I separated from my friends for some minutes and stood by the gate, waiting for Victor to suddenly appear. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

And then the talk wheel began.

Honestly? I wasn’t in the mood to participate, and a part of me wondered if that’s how Victor usually felt.

Names were called and feeling were shared. Leo commented on having started composing new melodies and about how that helped to calm him down. Guang told us that he had been nervous about having to enter a group for some college work, and that he felt like he would never be a part of the class even though it had been more than a year already since he met them all. When it was my turn, I stayed quiet for a few moments, seemingly creating expectations in everyone. Yet, all I said was that I was tired, and more worried about Victor that I wished to (that last part, however, I kept for myself).

Everyone then began to say their goodbyes. Leo and Guang approached me and asked if I was alright. I replied with a yes, although that wasn’t true. I don’t know if they realized my lack of honesty, but if they did they didn’t say anything.

Before people started leaving the hall, Minako drew everyone’s attention to make an announcement: we wouldn’t be getting together the following week, because she had some personal matters to attend. They asked if she was going on a date, to which she replied with a negative, although none seemed convinced by it. While everyone tried to get information about the doctor’s private life, as if that was any of their business, I found myself lamenting the fact that that meant another week without any news of Victor. I wondered if I should ask for his contact information after all (e-mail, cell phone number, something like that) when Leo pulled my arm, smiling. Before I knew it, I had already distracted myself as I agreed to go out with them next saturday. 

I left without remembering to ask for Victor’s contact information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone liked this chapter! Comments are always welcomed, and appreciated. :)  
> See you next week~
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	11. Day 11

15/07/2017

 

In order to not break the habit, I decided to write about my Saturday even though today the therapy group didn’t get together for a meeting.

As planned, I met Guang, Leo and Phichit downtown in a bistro recommended by Guang. I was happy to see that the two of them got along well with Phichit, who, being my best friend, makes me feel much calmer when I go out in public. He has a calming effect on me, although I can not explain why.

Basically we spent the afternoon chatting, drinking coffee and eating cookies (although I holded back so that I wouldn’t overdo it). It was interesting to see my two new friends in a different environment, and to see details about them that I hadn’t known until then; as, for example, that Guang loves to post photos of food on Instagram and that Leo doesn’t like black coffee. These things may seem silly, but I only discovered about them because I gave our friendship a chance to mature.

Everything was going exceptionally well until Leo decided to bring Victor to the conversation.

Pretending to not have been shaken by the sudden mention of the man who hadn’t left my thoughts all week, I let Guang and Leo talk about Victor's disappearance, not wanting to get involved in that conversation. But then the subject was pushed in my direction and the words "Are you still worried about him? His absence seemed to shake you more than any other. " (or something like that, I don’t remember the exact words) were enough for Phichit to see himself suddenly interested; because apparently for me to be interested in something, this something has to be very special to me, or some kind of crap like that. What I would like to make clear to be a lie.

I don’t like Victor, I'm just worried about him. 

Still, despite my tireless explanations, Phichit didn’t seem convinced and, to make matters worse, Leo and Guang seemed to start questioning my feelings as well. Excellent (only not).

But, thank God, they soon got tired of discussing my imaginary relationship with Victor and changed the subject. We talked about my book and how I sometimes hated being a writer. Leo asked if I could share my penname with them, and I said I'd think about it. Phichit told them how much I complained about everything, and he told stories about things from the past that I really wished he hadn’t brought to the surface. Guang had remained quiet until Leo asked him about how things were going in college, to which he replied that everything was the same.

We talked about unimportant things and asked for more cookies, the weather becoming colder as the sky took on darker shades. Soon it was time to say goodbye, but our goodbyes weren’t said until a promise to repeat the outing had been made. We added Phichit to our group on WhatsApp and we split up, each one going their way home.

Going together with Phichit for most of the way, I found myself being asked again about what I felt about Victor. I thought about fooling my friend, not wanting to touch the subject, but his serious eyes were enough for me to admit something I didn’t know if I should. "I think about him a lot, that's all," was what I said. Phichit smiled and said he wanted to be kept informed of my love life, to which I replied that it was nothing like that.

We parted, but without saying goodbye, because we were both aware that we would talk later on the internet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. 
> 
> Thanks for still reading this work, and I hope you are liking it. Comments would be welcomed. Criticism, praises, hearts, theories... Whatever you comment will make me happy and grateful.
> 
> I'd like to inform you guys that I'm curently working on chapter 27. I won't say the total number of chapter yet, tho, because I don't want to share information that may, in the end, be wrong.
> 
> Also, I would like to ask if my writing is bad, or something. Since english is not my first language, I tend to worry a lot about that. So, do I make a lot of mistakes? Am I too formal? I'm accepting tips on how to get better, since it haven't been long since I started writting in english.
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	12. Day 12

22/07/2017

 

I went to SGADP certain that this time I would be able to meet Victor, but there were still no signs of him. Unable to lose hope, I waited for him until the last moment by the gate, eagerly waiting for him to arrive with a carefree smile and a stupid excuse. However, that didn’t happen. Today’s session was about to begin and I found myself with no options but to leave my post and walk into the hall, disillusioned by the expectations I had created myself. It was then that Leo and Guang arrived, walking together down the street and arriving just in time.

As soon as they saw me, they asked me how I was doing and I answered with a crooked smile. They then look at each other, conversing with eyes full of pity that I had no difficulty understanding. Leo asked for Victor and I nodded in silent refusal. Guang then said I shouldn’t worry because Victor would certainly come next week, and Leo added that he must be busy or something.

I accepted the words my friends said, waved toward them, and we walked together towards the group that was organizing themselves inside the hall; but my heart refused to listen to them, and the worry I felt didn’t leave me for even a moment.

For the activity, an object was assigned to each participant and we should find the corresponding person, or something like that. Honestly, I didn’t quite understand what we had to do because during the explanation I was distracted by my thoughts of Victor and then I didn’t feel like asking about it. So, I ended up getting in the way and bringing chaos to an activity that should have been simple. But no one seemed to care, which made me feel less bad.

When break started, I thought that maybe I could go and talk to Minako, and my intentions didn’t go unnoticed by my friends, who encouraged me to go. But the doctor seemed busy and I was unable to go toward her while thoughts that I might trouble her filled my mind. I didn’t want to bother her with my silly and unnecessary concerns, which were probably nothing more than an exaggeration. Victor had a life, a life that didn’t involve SGADP and something probably came up and he was unable to attend today. Besides, I didn’t want anyone else to misjudge my feelings for Victor. So, I changed the subject and hoped that neither Leo nor Guang would comment on my obvious lack of discretion.

From then on I tried to stay more attentive and think less about unnecessary things.

During the talk wheel, I wasn’t bothered by any thoughts about the man who was absent, and perhaps the fact that his absence at that moment wasn’t strange had collaborated to that.

When it was time to say goodbye, I promised my friends that I would say something that evening in the group chat, although I would be busy with work. As I walked toward the gate, I passed by Minako and waved toward her before disappearing into my mother's car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Hope you are enjoying this story. Kudos, recs and comments would be appreciated since I'm curently working on chapter 27 and it's not been easy... Maybe I'm starting to run off inspiration. I'm really needing you to show me your support right now.  
> Also, I've posted a one-shot yesterday. It's cute and really different from this work, since I wrote it in my normal writing style. The name is [ The Exceptional Normality](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11570262). Please, give it a chance!  
> See you next week. Have a great week.
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	13. Day 13

29/07/2017

 

As soon as I arrived at SGADP, I left the drinks I had brought on the table, along with the snacks what would be consumed later. Not long after I met with Guang, that was placing a carrot cake together with the other sweet dishes. The cake looked delicious, with lots of chocolate on top of it, and I was surprised to find out that it was him himself who had cooked it – a fact announced by Leo, who approached us the minute he saw us.

Today's lectures, I must admit, were not at all surprising since much of the information I already knew because of research I had done on my own accord a long time ago, when I was researching about causes for the stress in young society to have grown so much in the recent years. Still, it was always interesting to see Minako acting all formal, like the psychiatrist she was.

But what I think was the really relevant moment of my day took place right after the end of the lectures. 

I was eating a slice of Guang's cake (which was really delicious) when I saw Minako hurrying toward the hall’s door. Following the direction of her steps, I saw my eyes locking on two people, who were waiting for the doctor with unhappy expressions; one of them was Victor.

Minako spoke to the stranger, who looked tired and pointed in a stressed way toward a Victor that didn’t seem at all pleased with the situation. The gentleman removed his hat and entered the hall, following behind Minako with the intention to have a private conversation. Before leaving Victor alone, he said something to him, something that didn’t help to improve Victor’s abnormal mood. It was strange to not see a smile on his face.

When Guang and Leo noticed where I was looking at (or rather, at whom), they encouraged me to go talk with him, and that’s what I did. I took a deep breath and walked toward him. I said a timid “hello” as I rubbed my fingers together, and Victor replied unwillingly. We were silent for a while and that was killing me, so I asked if anything had happened since he had been absent. Victor, who was being somewhat distant, simply replied that nothing had happened. However, his words didn’t feel sincere, and even though I knew that I was bothering him (it was obvious that he didn’t wish for my company), I asked again if anything happen and if he was okay. 

When he looked back at me, I thought his eyes would freeze me so cold they were. He then asked if I could leave him alone and if I didn’t see that he didn’t feel like talking. Not knowing what to say, I just stared at him, not having expected that reaction.

While I struggled with a cry that I wanted to pretend to not have almost happened, Guang and Leo came to my rescue, apparently having seen what was going on. Leo was angry and told Victor about how I had worried about him, and how I had been the only one to never doubt the fact that he was a good person (things I really wished he hadn’t said).

Shaken by the situation and unwillingly to see them fight because of me, I backed away before even looking at the expressions who had taken Victor’s face after those revelations. I went toward the yard, but there were already people there. So, I went toward the gate.  

I had just reached the gate when Victor grabbed my arm. His eyes were no longer cold, but I still didn’t wish to look at them. He apologized, but it was only when he began to explain what had happened that he got my full attention.

Apparently, he had depression and had a relapse these weeks, and even today he wasn’t feeling 100% better yet, and then he added that it was still no excuse to treat me bad. He also said that I didn’t need to forget his rudeness, but that he hoped he hadn’t destroyed his chances of becoming friends with me, because he had been sincere when we told me, a few weeks ago, that he wanted my friendship.

Not knowing what to do, I just nodded.

Victor smiled slightly, as if part of his troubles had been resolved. For me, regrettably, it was the other way around. I felt nervous and said goodbye to Victor, who joined the gentleman from before and left with a promise to come next week.

I went home that day with a lot of things on my mind, but in the end I decided that giving Victor a chance wouldn’t cost me anything. He seemed like a nice guy, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in him… as a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Hope everyone liked this chapter. Did you expect something like this for Victor's return? What about telling what you thought would happen in a comment? ;) I would love to hear it!  
> Have a good week! See you all next saturday!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	14. Day 14

05/08/2017

  
  


Today, it completed three months since I’ve started participating in SGADP, and I must admit that time has gone by quickly. It seems like it was yesterday that I was talking to Phichit about how Celestino thought that group therapy could help with my sociophobia, which turned out to be reason enough for him to spend the whole night looking for places where I could sign up. I'm glad I didn’t give up before even trying, because I met great people that I hope to keep in touch from now on.

In good spirits, I went to the meeting with a smile on my lips. Today promised to be a good day.

During my free time I was, as always, in the company of Guang and Leo, who were enjoying my good mood. We talked animatedly until Victor appeared and asked if he could sit with us, which was enough for Leo's smile to immediately disappear. At least he didn’t comment on his displeasure at the way Victor had treated me the previous week (a fact shared in the group after I reported on the unexpected friendship request). However, I had decided to give him a chance, so I gestured toward the chair next to me, and that brought a broad smile to his face.

We tried to continue chatting like before, but the conversation died out entirely thanks to Leo, who was now in a bad mood.

Not knowing what to do, I turned in Victor’s direction and asked if he was feeling better, receiving a positive answer. Leo then got up, sulking, said that he couldn’t stand being in the company of such a deceitful person and walked away. Guang followed after him, worried, leaving me alone with Victor, who was now notoriously upset. I rapidly said that I didn’t think he was deceitful, but that it was true that sometimes his smiles didn’t seem sincere. I further added that he, however, shouldn’t be judged for it, because he certainly had his reasons for behaving like that. He thanked me for my honesty and said that he knew that what Leo said was partly true. I thought about saying that, if he had something bothering him, he could talk to me about it, but I lost heart when I remembered last week's experience.

A few seconds of silence later, Victor requested for my cell phone number, and asked if he could send me messages from time to time, to which I answered yes. He was silent for a few more moments, and I began to feel a certain timidity in his mannerisms. Victor then asked if, when he was feeling a little bad, he could talk to me, which surprised me and made me not respond immediately.

In response to my silence, he tried to correct himself, saying that I didn’t really need to, but I hastened to say that he could talk to me whenever he wanted, that it would be an honor. I then blushed because... Honor? With so many words, why did I have to choose that one? But Victor laughed, which made me relax and think that maybe we could really get along... Be friends.

During the rest of the time we talked about nothing specific, and when the break began we talked some more until we saw people organizing themselves for the talk wheel.

When Victor realized what was about to begin, his worry became apparent. I asked him if he was okay and he said that more or less, and admitted that he didn’t like to speak in public, even more if it was about himself. And then he said that regretfully he would no longer be able to avoid the talk wheel, since Yakov had quarreled with him, and his sermons were more sinister than any of his fears. I asked who Yakov was, and I saw Victor stop at my question. Noticing his discomfort, I told him he didn’t have to answer, but that I hoped that one day he could tell me more about him. Victor smiled and, after a few moments, he looked anxiously toward the group of people who were finishing to organize themselves. He then asked, "Shall we?", and I followed him.

In his first experience in the talk wheel, Victor stammered while talking (what I thought was cute, not that I will ever admit it to anyone). He stared at the floor for a long time and then apologized for the way he had behaved, and asked for Minako's forgiveness, who then apologized for the things she had also said.

Although everything went relatively well, Victor didn’t look happy when it was over. He was still nervous, agitated. As for me, nothing to declare, since I had a relatively good week.

When it was time to leave, Victor offered me a ride, but I refused, saying that my mother was already waiting for me. I went to the gate, finding Leo and Guang in the middle of the way. I asked how Leo was doing and his answer was that he was a little better, and then he added that he still didn’t trust Victor. All I said was that I wished that he could give him a chance, because I wanted my friends to get along, but that didn’t seem to be enough for Leo to change his mind. But I knew it was no use pressing further on the matter, that it was better to let things just happen as they had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Sorry about the late update. My life has been a mess and I had so many problems this weeks that I could only post the chapter now. Hope everyone like the chapter, tho.   
> Comments would be appreciated. I'd love to hear some opinions, specially about Leo (apart from his OOC-ness, that I'm really sorry I couldn't avoid). Can you understand why he acted like that? Do you agree with his actions? What about sharing your thoughts with me?  
> Well, that's it. See you all next week. In the right day. No more being late. Nope. (Again, sorry...)
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	15. Day 15

12/08/2017

 

When I arrived at SGADP I was nothing but tired, and my greatest wish was to have had an excuse to stay all day under the bed sheets. Sadly, I had no choice except from to get up early, because I had to work on my book, that was still behind schedule. Apart from that, I was kind of okay.

As I stepped into the hall, I was soon greeted by Victor, who seemed happier to see me than I thought it was possible. Maybe it was because we exchanged a couple of messages during the week, I don’t know, but at least his energy eased my fatigue a little. I then saw Leo and Guang a few meters away, but the bothered gaze Leo directed at Victor was enough for me to decide to stay where I was. As soon as everyone had arrived and gathered in the hall, Minako announced that today the activity would be "Mine field" and that we should form pairs.

Cloths were distributed and one of the members was to be blindfolded and led by his pair, who mustn’t get away from the wall. Noticing my unwillingness to wander around the room without seeing anything, Victor applied for the task.

While I was tying the cloth so it wouldn’t fall off while he walked, I noticed Guang doing the same thing to Leo. Then a whistle sounded, and when I realized it Victor had already begun walking, not even waiting for my command. I guided him the best I could, but there were too many people walking in the same space, so some bumps were inevitable. It was difficult but at least everything worked out at the end, and, when Victor finally took the cloth off, he came right in my direction to tell me that I had been incredible. I said it was no big deal, but I couldn’t help but be happy with the praise.

During the break, taking advantage of the fact that Victor had gone to talk with Minako, I went to see how Leo and Guang were doing. As expected, Leo soon began complaining about how I shouldn’t forgive Victor so easily, and how he would do the same thing again. However, realizing that his words weren’t affecting me, he apologized and went to cool his head in the bathroom. As Leo walked away, I looked over at Guang and asked if he also had something against Victor, and his answer was that, in his opinion, everyone deserved a second chance. We then agreed that we had to do something to ease the tension between those two, but we were unable to come up with ways to do that.

During the talk wheel, Victor was still feeling nervous and uncomfortable. I thought he had exaggerated last time, but it seems he really couldn’t speak in public, since he still stuttered in his words from time to time. I wonder if it's because of some trauma, or something like that.

He told us he had only had one serious crisis during the week beyond what he usually had, apparently because of something that had reminded him of things from a past that he didn’t like to remember. As for me, I said that I have been somewhat bothered with some matters, but that I hoped that everything would be resolved as time passed by. I also told about the moderate crises I had because of work; my editor has been on my toes all week... The last to speak was Leo, who said he feared that his friend was being deluded, and then he assured us that he would protect his friend. This, of course, made me a bit uncomfortable, and made Victor upset. Guang didn’t look happy either. None of us, however, said anything.

When it was all over, Guang came over to see how I was doing and apologized to me and Victor for what Leo had said. "He cares a lot about Yuri... He’s not doing that with bad thoughts in mind. And he's been very emotional lately…” Then, I asked where Leo was and Guang said that he had already gone home because he wanted to be alone for a bit, and then added that he would send word to him when he got home to see how he was feeling. Guang then said goodbye, leaving me alone with Victor, who still looked very shaken by everything that had happened.

Victor then looked in my direction and asked if it was better for us to talk less or something like that, because he didn’t want to disturb my friendships. I hastened to say that he was also a friend of mine, and that I had no plans of pushing him away, much less because of things that would certainly be resolved if we just waited. Soon enough, Leo would realize that Victor wasn’t a bad person at all.

Victor was happy and thankful for what I said, but honestly, I really wished it all to be resolved at once. I’m starting to get tired of this situation.


	16. Day 16

19/08/2017

 

Today, I was more tired than ever. The sleepless nights apparently began to catch up with me and all I wanted was to sleep until I couldn’t anymore. But this desire was nothing but a distant dream. With my book still behind schedule, I didn’t even had the time (or energy) to communicate with my friends this past week, and the only reason I wasn’t absent at SGADP today is because, if I had stayed home, I would have had to work. That is, I fled from my responsibilities…

As soon as I got to the hall I found myself being ambushed by Victor and Leo, who came immediately to me as soon as they saw me, both asking about my disappearance. But it didn’t take long for an uncomfortable tension to fill the air. Leo stared at Victor with contempt, and Victor looked uncomfortable, thoughts like “maybe I should go away” quite probably in his mind.

Before something could happen, and before answering them, I found myself being overwhelmed by my tiredness, and before I knew the words had already fled from my lips. “Just... Stop it! I can’t take this anymore!"

I then walked away, leaving them behind, and I went to talk to Minako. As soon as I found her, I went straight to the point and asked if I could be spared from the activity, because I wasn’t feeling well. She asked if I wanted to go home or talk about it and I said no, that all I wanted was to calm down and rest. Otherwise, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears that always followed my moments of irritation. And so, I spent the entire activity by the doctor's side, watching the others wrap themselves in ropes.

During the break, I was already feeling a little better; or, should I say, I felt better as long as I didn’t think of all the work that was waiting for me at home.

While I regretted having accidentally thought about how my editor would call me later, Guang approached me, dragging Leo and Victor with him so that they could apologize to me. All I said was that I honestly wanted them to get along. Leo said that he could try, but that trust was not given for free, to which Victor replied that he would then fight for it, words that surprised us all. Leo then said, “I guess we can give it a try”, a provocative smile on his lips. Victor's eyes became determined.

At the talk wheel everything went well and I don’t think there is something specific that needs to be highlighted. Victor was still nervous, Guang was still struggling to feel like a part of his class, Leo remained uncertain about his future... As for me, I commented that sometimes I hated being a writer, and that lately my editor has become my worst enemy.

As I started preparing myself to leave, I was once again questioned about my disappearance and, seeing that I had really worried them, I promised to not disappear again, but I clarified that I might take a while to respond to the messages since I was very busy. With nothing more to say, I said goodbye. However, before I could walk away, Victor recommended me a few hours of sleep, because I seemed to be very tired. I replied that I didn’t have the time, because I had a book to write, unfortunately. He then warned me that my productivity would fall and that, in the end, it would be worse; a valid advice, but one I doubted I would be able to follow even if the idea of spending an entire night sleeping peacefully sounded tempting. Things just weren’t what we wanted them to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading this chapter! (I don't know if someone missed me last week, in the notes, but here I am o/)  
> As for this chapter... I wonder what you all thought of it, honestly. To make Yuuri act like that was a very personal decision. Since I identify with Yuuri a lot, and with his anxiety, I end up basing some of his actions on me and, well... Sometimes I act that way (but I usually spend all afternoon crying because I'm weak and I can not hold back the tears ^^'). So, sorry if it got a little OOC.  
> I wanted to thank you for all the support I have received, especially through comments and inbox on tumblr. Also... I've seen a lot of things because of OWCH, people who carry a lot of pain and that sometimes makes me very upset. I hope you have someone to talk about it with, because keeping everything to yourself is the worst thing to do. And if anyone need someone to vent, I'm here. I probably won't not know what to say, but I'll do my best! :)  
> And to not lose the habit... Comments would be nice. I love comments.  
> I think that all.  
> See you next week!!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	17. Day 17

26/08/2017

 

Although I spent all afternoon yesterday sleeping, what I least wanted was to have had to wake up early this Saturday, but unfortunately I had already agreed to go to Guang's house and letting him and Leo wait would be wrong. After the success of last month's carrot cake, the three of us decided to bake something together, and then we'd go to SGADP together when everything was ready.

Along the way, in the midst of conversations with no specific subjects, I could feel that a weight had been lifted from my back and I knew that the fact that things had finally calmed down in my work was just one of the reasons for that.

I was truly happy that Leo was showing signs that he would really give Victor a chance. “I'm beginning to think Phichit was right. You have a crush on him, right?” Leo commented while his voice showed his satisfaction in provoking me, after I said that he wouldn’t regret letting him redeem himself, since Victor was a nice and gentle person. I denied his implication, probably more than necessary, and asked why he thought so. “You talk a lot about him and you seem to genuinely care for him,” he said, and Guang agreed. 

Perhaps because the conversation had lost its joking tone, I suddenly saw myself quite embarassed. “We're friends,” I said, feeling a little nervous and well aware of the blush that had spread on my face. “Friends care about each other. It's normal. I also worry a lot about the both of you." Leo and Guang laughed and thanked me, the subject dying there. However, despite the change of topic, the agitation in my chest remained for a considerable time until finally disappearing.

As we left the cakes on the table in the back of the room, Victor came toward us. As soon as he found out that we had cooked together, he commented on how fun it must have been and asked if he could join us next time. Then, he warned us that he wasn’t a very good cook and that we would need some patience to deal with him. Leo immediately said that it didn’t seem like a good idea, which made everyone tense for a moment until he complimented saying that he didn’t know if Guang could deal with two disasters at one time, because he was already taking all his time. “But maybe Yuri can help you. He seemed to know his way around the kitchen,” Leo added as he blinked in my direction, something I wished he hadn’t done. Victor turned in my direction and said, " I think I'll be in your hands then", and I was unable to avoid blushing.

Faced with my obvious and unwanted blush, Victor asked what I had and Leo and Guang began to laugh quietly. Leo then gave a friendly slap on my back and, along with Guang, he walked away, leaving me alone with Victor before I could protest. When I finally had the courage to look again at Victor, I noticed that, despite smiling, he seemed very confused by the situation; and, since he depended on me for further explanation, he continued like that.

Without wasting more time, we went to look for places where the four of us could sit. What followed was an uncomfortable silence that I knew to be my fault. I was nervous and, although I didn’t know exactly why I was feeling that way, I knew it was because of Victor.

I didn’t really like him, did I? I was just reacting like this because Leo was teasing me earlier, right? I mean, I barely knew him... Can you like someone you know nothing but the first name and the fact that he has a dog? Oh, there was that picture too... To this day, I still don’t know what’s with that photo.

“Yuri, are you okay? You look thoughtful." At the sound of his voice, I noticed that he was watching me closely, concern visible in his eyes. I immediately said that everything was fine. He asked me about my book and I said that everything was going well now.

It was then my turn to ask questions.

I asked if he was okay and he said yes. I asked him what he worked with and he answered that nothing at the moment. It was certainly not normal for someone of his age to be doing nothing with his life, but the way his eyes lost all their shine as if he was being tormented by some unspeakable memory was enough for me to distance myself from the subject. I didn’t want him to get upset and to remember bad things just to put an end to my curiosity. No matter how much I wanted to know more about him and about the secrets he was hiding, I would control myself and wait until he was ready to talk about it.

Leo and Guang only joined us when the lecture was about to begin, and I had the feeling that this gesture was made with ulterior motives, which I didn't know whether I approved or not. Things were still confusing in my head and I still couldn’t say what I felt toward Victor. At least, thanks to the lecture I had something to distract myself with; I only wasn’t more distract than the lecturer herself. Minako was so excited and delighted to be able to talk about apps, and how they could be useful to keep a check on our emotional state, that she forgot to give us a break. Apparently, she liked how technology influenced modern treatments, because she extended the subject until she could no longer. When she finally announced that we could go and eat, everyone got up and dispersed.

Standing beside the table, we tried to taste a little bit of everything. Victor commented that the chocolate cake was great, though it was a bit burned, and Leo immediately admitted it was his fault. Distracted by the pleasant air that surrounded us, when I realized I was already staring at Victor with an involuntary smile on my lips.

It wasn’t long until it was time to go home. Guang and Leo were the first to leave, using excuses to leave me alone with Victor even though I didn’t understand why they were doing that. It's not like I asked them for that, and they didn’t have anything to gain from doing that either. Maybe I should ask about it in the group chat later, but honestly I don’t know if I want to know the answer.

As I got lost in thoughts, Victor suddenly thanked me, which made me very confused until he explained that going to SGADP was being cooler and less of an obligation since we became friends. He then went on and said that Leo and Guang were also great people, but I was no longer giving him the attention he deserved because I was too busy with the feelings that bubbled inside me, shouting to be heard. My heart pounded and I tried to convince myself that I didn’t like him, but that didn’t seem to work anymore.

It was too late and I was already in love with Victor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everybody. I would like to start by thanking everyone who still haven't given up on this story of mine. I understant it can be kinda boring sometimes because of the slow burn, so it means a lot to me that there's people who still enjoy this work after all this time.   
> As you all may have realized, the story will finally start to focus a little bit on the romantic feelings that Yuuri feel toward Victor, and I hope you will like the way I'm going to work on their relationship. However, the slow burn will continue, so things will still progress slowly. ^^  
> Well, that's all. Comments would be nice.   
> See you next week!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	18. Day 18

02/09/2017

 

Whoever said that being in love causes your days to be radiant even on the most cloudy mornings certainly didn’t know what they were talking about. Love was a pain. Loving caused your heart to skip a beat every time a new message arrived, the idea that it could be from a certain (and special) person making you create expectations before even checking the notification. You think about the person and about when you will see them again and create thousands of scenarios of what might happen then, and even if some scenarios are nothing but absurd you still deceive yourself into believing there might be a tiny chance of those things happening one day. And then, in the midst of these delightful fantasies, you realize that your feelings will never be reciprocated and that there is nothing you can do about that because the barrier of friendship is too great and you have already been rejected even before you could try.

_ Friends _ , that was how Victor always called me and there was no reason to be different. Still, a part of me kept believing that maybe one day everything would change, that maybe his feelings would synchronize with mine and that we would be happy together. But then my rational part would appear and put my feelings in order, as it had to be. There was no use in lying to myself. The world was not made up of dreams.

I went to SGADP knowing what I had to feel, knowing how I should behave, as in a well-rehearsed play. I left home prepared to spend the day as usual, however, as soon as I arrived and saw Victor and Minako chatting by the gate I felt it might not be that easy. It was when Victor looked in my direction and smiled at me that I had been sure that all that awaited me was failure, that it’s impossible. I bowed my head and walked past them, knowing I was being rude but still unable to avoid acting like that.

As soon as I had the chance, I glued myself to Leo and Guang, wishing for the comfort that was the presence of my friends. They found my actions odd, but they didn’t ask any questions. We chose a corner and sat down as comfortable as we could, aware that we wouldn’t get up so early since today we were free to spend our time in the way we preferred. A few minutes after we had settled down, Victor came to us, but I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, what made him clearly upset and confused. He, however, still joined our group and sat down with us on the floor. Leo and Guang continued talking as if nothing had happened, as if there wasn’t a tension in the air around us and as if I wasn’t obviously avoiding Victor.

After a few unsuccessful attempts of trying to hold a conversation with me, Victor got up and said he was going to go and talk to Minako and the others for a bit, a crooked smile on his lips. I saw what I was doing to him, it was impossible not to see how upset I had made him, and I felt bad for not being able to avoid that.

Guang asked me if anything had happened and Leo commented that I was acting strange. “Did he do something to you again?” Leo asked, his brows furrowed and his expressions angry. I immediately said that the problem was me, not him. They got confused, but I didn’t want to go into details.

After a few seconds of silence, Guang asked what exactly was going on and, after wondering whether or not to tell them the truth, I realized that would be better than facing all that alone. When I finally told them that I liked Victor, the reaction I received was not what I expected. Were they surprised? Yes, but not as I thought they would be.

"Wait..." Leo raised his eyebrows, “You really only realized that now?"

They then told me that they had been suspicious of that for some time and that they thought I hadn’t said anything because I was being shy or something like that, but that they still tried to support me as best as they could. Suddenly, the mystery of why they had been leaving me alone with Victor was solved.

Guang then went on and said that didn’t explain my behavior, and I explained that it was pointless for me to like Victor because he didn’t feel the same toward me and my feelings would certainly be a nuisance and that, therefore, I was trying to learn to reconcile my feelings better since I didn’t want him to notice them. They then told me to stop with that nonsense and said that I was worrying for nothing. “You're a thousand times stranger as you're acting now,” Guang said as Leo nodded by his side.

The advice they gave me was that I should act as I always did, as I thought it was right. “And you don’t know if Victor will really never like you back. Maybe he already do!” Leo added. I smiled slightly at my friends' attempts to cheer me up, and then I changed the subject, wanting to improve everyone's mood.

During the break, I approached Victor and apologized for how I had acted. He seemed relieved and said he thought he had done something, to which I just shook my head negatively, a smile on my lips.

During the talk wheel, Victor seemed much calmer and more excited, his nervousness absent as he spoke of how he wanted to find something to occupy his days. He even commented that he was thinking about getting a job, which was something he had avoided until then because of his unstable emotional. When he finished speaking and the wheel followed, Victor looked in my direction and our eyes immediately met. I blushed a little and considered looking away, but then I remembered how upset he had been that I had ignored him earlier and so I chose not to move my eyes, and good thing I didn’t move them because his smile widened even more and I had never seen him so happy before.

When the talk wheel ended, everyone got up and began to prepare themselves to leave. Before that, however, Minako caught everyone's attention and said that for next week's activity it would be necessary for us to form pairs and go out together on a convenient day during the week. We have go somewhere crowded and just try to have a nice day. It can be a trip to the movies, to the park, to a diner, anything. We have to bring some remembrance of our tour and tell everybody about our experiences next week.

Without thinking, I looked up at Victor and found his eyes already on me. He approached me and asked if I wanted to pair up with he, and I said yes before even realizing the words forming in my mouth. If that was a good idea I'll only find out later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. How have you been? Hope you had a great week! Mine has been chaotic, since exam week is approaching... *sigh* Apart from that, I've been working on a PWP I've been writting this past few weeks. And, honestly? It's so difficult! I really wasn't born to write porn. It went from "porn with feelings" to "feeling with porn", and also ended up much bigger that I expected... Oh, I also went to therapy for the first time. It was good, but tiresome. (Totally recommend, though)  
> Okay, now some info I have to pass on to you guys. Next chapter will be posted on Wednesday and it will be big, but there will be a chapter on Saturday, as always.   
> Comments are always appreciated, and I would love some constructive criticism if anyone has anything to say. I'm always trying to get better and sometimes I get kinda ansious if I'm really doing a good job, on grammar especially. Since english is not my first language, it's kinda complicated because I sometimes wonder if the way I write is strange, or something like that...  
> Well, that's it.  
> See you all on Wednesday! :)
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	19. Day 19

09/06/2017

 

Today was an unusual day, and its peculiarities continue to happen until now; after all, I don’t usually write reports on Wednesdays. Today, however, as I just said – wrote – was an unusual day, and after spending the whole day together with Victor Nikiforov it’s obvious that something I’m not lacking are things to write about.

It all started last Saturday with Dr. Minako's announcement that, in pairs, we should go out to bustling places and try to create pleasant memories, which would be shared at the next meeting, accompanied by the display of an object related to our tour. Luckily, or perhaps by the action of some godly deity, I ended up forming a duo with Victor. After discussing our options, we decided to meet on Wednesday – that is, today – in a park downtown, near the bistro where I once went with Pichit, Leo and Guang.

Although I fell asleep relatively late last night, because my mind was too busy fantasizing about fictional scenarios to relax, I woke up two hours before the alarm clock rang. I forced myself to go back to sleep, but I woke up again without the hour hand almost moving. I tried once more to surrender to exhaustion, and yet I woke up again before I planned to. Then, the wish to sleep didn’t return, having been replaced by a nervousness that I couldn’t avoid. With half an hour to spare, I bathed unhurriedly and then, with a towel wrapped around my waist, I began to rummage through the closets, searching for some clothing that caught my eye; but then I felt like I was trying too hard and just put on my usual clothes.

When I arrived at the park, more than half an hour in advance, I saw myself not knowing what to do. I walked a little in the area nearby the place where we had arranged to meet and then I sat on a bench next to a fountain that, because it was in maintenance, was dry. Not long after, Victor showed up, his expression surprised as those of someone who didn’t expect to see me so soon. He approached me quickly.

“Didn’t we agree to meet at ten?” He checked the watch on his wrist, as if doubting it.

“I arrived early.”

"Me too," he said, looking at me with the eyes of someone who had their plans frustrated. “I planned on arriving a little earlier to make sure I wouldn’t keep you waiting and... How long have you been here?”

“That doesn’t matter.” I got up from the bench and walked toward him. “Let's go?”

“Where to?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere we can create memories, I guess.”

Side by side, we walked at a slow pace, accompanied by silence. Neither of us seemed to know what to say, which was odd since we never had this problem at SGADP. Perhaps it was the unfamiliarity of the environment, which brought a different atmosphere to our interaction. Now that I think about it, we've never been much of messaging each other either…

“How's your book going?” He asked suddenly, seemingly as uncomfortable with the silence as I was.

“Good. It's good not being behind schedule.”

Victor smiled in agreement and the conversation died again. We completed an entire loop in the park without another word being exchanged, both of us busy watching the landscape that surrounded us.

As demanded by Minako, the park was crowded, the age group of the passersby varying from children playing in the playground to old people exercising on monotonous walks. The place seemed to be popular, perhaps due to the fact that it was well preserved and that it had lots of nature. As we walked, distracted, I glanced at Victor. His eyes were serene and his hair swayed slightly as he walked. We were so close that I could smell his perfume, though I didn’t know if it was from a colony or whether it was the natural odor of his body. As I hoped it was the second option, he looked in my direction and his eyes met mine. I turned my face away, feeling myself blush for having been caught staring, but Victor didn’t seem to notice the complex emotions bubbling inside my chest.

“Do you want to go somewhere else? The cinema, maybe?”

“Why not?”

Without wasting more time, we went to the cinema that was not even two blocks away from the park. Since there was no movie any of us was crazy to watch, we decided to just buy a ticket for the next session, whatever it was. With this decision made, we entered the long line where families, groups of friends, but mainly couples, waited to be called to the cashier. I must admit that waiting in that line next to Victor while surrounded by lovey dovey youngsters wasn’t an easy task, not when my heart decided to beat fast as if there was a reason for that, and everything I could think of as I stared at the floor – the only way I found to keep my eyes away from Victor and the way his hair seemed to glisten in the golden light of the cinema – was that I hoped that the number of couples didn’t mean that I would be stuck for two hours in a dark movie theater watching a romantic movie together with Victor; I don’t know if my heart would hold on, was that the case.

As we waited for our turn, however, the sound of rumblings reached my ears. I don’t know exactly what made me notice them, since there were lots of people chatting while waiting in line, but I was conscious of them and soon I realized that Victor and I were being watched.

“Oh my God, is that Victor Nikiforov?!”

Before we could react to the exclamation that echoed in the movie hall, we were approached by two girls who should be no more than twenty years old, whose eyes glittered as they watched the man standing next to me.

“Wow, I'm a really big fan! I've seen all your presentations since you debuted in the senior division!”

“And I was already watching you when you were a junior!”

“Can I get an autograph?”

“And a photo! Please, a photo!”

I looked at Victor, confused because I had no idea what they were talking about. But what I found in Victor's eyes weren’t answers, but an uncomfortable gaze. I had never seen his eyes so opaque, so lifeless... The questions, however, didn’t stop, the girls apparently oblivious to this fact.

“When are you coming back? They said you would recover and be ready to compete in a year, but it’s been almost three already…”

“Or is it true that you retired?”

“Don’t say that!” One of the girls interrupted her friend, clearly incredulous. “Victor… Err, Mr. Nikiforov, as long as you don’t make any official announcement, I will continue to anxiously await your return!”

“Ah! Me too! No matter what they say, Yuri Plisetsky doesn't compare to you! I find it absurd that they are saying he’s the “new Victor Nikiforov”! He’s just a beginner in the senior category and yet people have the audacity to compare him to someone who has gained gold so many times!”

The girls weren’t stopping and I still didn’t quite understand the things they were spitting on us. Worst of all, I hadn’t even wanted the little information that I was able to understand; not like that. I had decided to wait until he was ready to talk about it and it didn’t seem right to hear all that from third parties, however, I didn’t know how to stop them and, to make matters worse, I felt like more and more pairs of eyes had turned to our direction.

The crowd began to grow agitated and murmurs soon became audible.

“Is that him?”

“That Victor?”

“Didn’t he go back to Russia?”

“Who's that by his side?”

"Do you think it’s true that he became a coach? I read that on the internet a couple of months ago.”

“Victor, how's your leg?” The girl started asking questions again.

“You're coming back to the ice soon, right?”

I looked in Victor’s direction, wondering how he expected to deal with that situation that, if it was uncomfortable for me, was certainly a hundred times worse for him. It was then that I realized that something was wrong with him. The tone of his skin always had a pale coloration, probably because of his offspring – Russian, from what I could guess after all the unwanted information I had just acquired – but at that moment it was as if all the blood had run away from his face, giving him a morbid pallor. He gripped the edges of his blouse tightly and I could see the sweat running down his skin. He was staring at the floor and no longer seemed to absorb what was going on around him, whether it was the girls who continued to ask questions even though they hadn’t received any response, or the crowd that continued to stare and murmur, or even my presence by his side.

Seeing him hurt like that, my heart clenched, and yet I knew that my pain was nothing compared to his. Without thinking, I reached for his hand and twined our fingers, but it was only when I squeezed it to assure him of my presence that he seemed to come back to himself. Victor looked at me, his eyes meeting mine, and it didn’t take more than that for me to understand what I had to do.

I looked toward the girls, who seemed to finally begin to realize that there was something strange going on with their beloved and respected idol.

“Is everything all right?”

“Was it... Was it something we said?”

“Excuse us,” I said, feeling my eyebrows furrow unconsciously as I looked in the direction of the two of them one last time before holding Victor's hand a little more tightly and pulling him away from the line and the crowd, who followed us with their eyes until we left the lobby. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any fans out of their minds to follow us to outside of the movie theater.

We dove into the sea of people that walked on the busy sidewalks from downtown. Without a best destination in mind, I decided to return to the park, where I hoped Victor could find the quiet he needed to relax.

When we finally reached the park again, I sat him on the bench where I had waited for him earlier, beside the dry fountain. He looked at his own hand, now lonely without the warmth of mine. He rubbed his fingers together and then looked at the ground. He still looked rather dejected, and the first thing I thought was that I should go and get some water for him to drink.

“I'm going to fetch some water bottles,” I said, but the words seemed to come through one ear and out the other without him absorbing them.

I stared at him for a few more seconds, but there was still no reaction from him. He continued to stare at the ground, perhaps trying to clear his mind of the unpleasant thoughts that had surfaced because of the two girls. It was as if my presence there had been erased. When I finally turned on my heels, ready to go after the drinks, I felt a tug on my shirt and when I looked back I saw Victor holding it by the edges. His lonely blue eyes begged me to not leave him alone.

I turned toward him, crouched down, and held both his hands in mine. I rubbed my thumbs on the back of his hands, trying to soothe him the only way I knew; the way my mother did, since I was little, when she felt that I needed not words but a subtle and comforting caress.

“I'm only going to buy water at that kiosk and I'll be right back,” I explained, the tone of my voice as gentle as the movement of my fingers on his skin.

Although reluctant, Victor nodded. With that, I let go of his hands, feeling his unwillingly slip away from mine. I got up and hurried toward the kiosk, feeling Victor's eyes on me all the way. Luckily, there was no one else in the line, so not even two minutes later I was already coming back to Victor, who was again staring at the tips of his fingers intently as he rubbed them together.

I handed one of the bottles to him and sat down next to him, opening my own and taking a sip of the icy liquid. Victor imitated me and we were silent for a while. As the minutes passed by, I could see that he was beginning to calm down, the tension he had so far in his body slowly disappearing. As a precaution, I kept an eye on the surroundings, not wanting the earlier situation to repeat itself, but the passersby seemed totally oblivious to our presence. Still, I wondered if we should go to a more private place, maybe a café. Or maybe we should just end the day and go our separate ways.

I looked at him and watched the water trickle down his throat. He seemed to be feeling a little better, so it would be okay to leave him now, right? Maybe he even wanted that, some time alone to get his thoughts in order. Before I could say anything, however, Victor's eyes turned toward me.

“Thank you,” he said, and I was unable to hide my surprise, or even my confusion, the latter having presented itself through a question.

“For what?”

“For what you did back there. I don’t know what I would have done without you.

I didn’t give him an answer. I was too busy watching Victor – the way his eyes looked tired and how his smile seemed to carry silent pains – to say anything.

We stood there for a while, sitting side by side and in silence, each finishing their own bottle of water. It was still early, and it hasn’t even been two hours since we'd met in that same bench, both ignorant of the stress that was to come.

I glanced at him, just for a brief moment. The expression on his face was already three hundred times better and it was good to see the color finally come back to his face. Seeing him in such a bad situation, so deep in the pit, caused me such great pain, and yet so small compared to his, that I wanted nothing more than to see a carefree smile on his face. However, there were so many things I wanted to know and, most of all, the knowledge that he was carrying some big burden was not something I could simply ignore. So I decided to gamble, even though I knew that maybe I was being intrusive in his private life.

“Do you want to talk?” I asked, anyway.

Silence. When I had the courage to look at him, I realized that he was staring at me. Uncomfortable, I felt that I had stepped on a land mine and that all I could do now was wait for the consequences.

“If you want to, I'm here.” I added, wishing that would diminish the tension at least a little. “And I’m sorry I heard all those things in the movies, it was none of my business.”

“How much did you understand?” He asked, immediately, his tone of voice indecipherable.

“Not much.”

He didn’t say anything else, and his silence made me anxious. I waited another few seconds but he didn’t seem to have the intention of breaking the uncomfortable silence that had arisen. I then risked myself a second time, already aware that this was a mistake.

“So... Want to talk?” He denied with a subtle movement of his head. “Are you sure?” He replied with another movement of his head.

He didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to open up. Whether it was a matter of trust, or simply because it was a delicate topic, he was unable to talk about anything with me. That annoyed me more than I wanted it to, but I think it was inevitable, despite being fair. Not even I, who was in love with him, felt that I could expose the wounds I carried within me that easily. I understood his point of view. I really understood. So why couldn’t I restrain myself? Why, despite regretting having asked him not once but twice, did I see myself making the same mistake a third time?

“I was worried.” The words left my lips before I could contain them. “Seeing you like that... You looked so pale.” The words stumbled. “Talking about it may help. Wasn’t it you who asked to speak to me when something was wrong? Why did you change your mind? Don’t you trust me anymore?”

I felt my eyes watering up and I hated myself for it. I held my tears, too proud to cry at a moment like that. I hated what my anxiety did to me, hated the depressive crises that it occasionally inflicted me, and hated it even more when they occurred in public.

We sat in a quiet exchange of stares for another ten seconds, until Victor broke the silence.

“I know you have good intentions, Yuri, and I trust you more than you realize. It's just... It's kind of hard to talk abou it. So much happened…”

“But you don’t have to tell me it all at once. Tell me what to feel ready to open up about.”

“It's just that some things are complicated, and they hurt... Some memories are easier to drop into oblivion than to deal with, and that's what I usually do.”

“But I want to know! Your pains, your past, everything! Do you have any idea how much I care about you?”

The words left my mouth before I could stop myself. Victor was looking at me in obvious surprise, and I was unable to contain the blush that took over my face.

“I, ah... I mean…” But I said no more. I turned my face away, wanting to hide my feelings, which had become so transparent from one second to the next.

“What do you mean?”

Victor's voice carried a worrisome seriousness, and the fact that he wanted to continue with that subject was even more worrisome. I felt his hand reach for mine, which rested on the bench, but I pulled it away before it was too late. We were totally off the subject, and maybe that was his intention.

“Ahh, listen…” I looked in his direction and tried not to lose myself in the pair of blue eyes that still stared at me, full of expectations. “What do you think of playing a game?”

“A game?” His expression became immediately confused, and one of his eyebrows arched.

“Yes. It's something I’ve played a lot with my sister, since we were little.”

“What kind of game?”

“A question for a question.”

Victor said nothing for a moment, clearly thoughtful. Although I found the name somewhat self-explanatory, he still asked about the rules.

“The kind where one asks a question and the other answers, and vice versa?” I nodded in agreement, saying that it was exactly that. “Am I obliged to answer?”

“No. Only if you want to.”

He spent a few more seconds thinking about it, perhaps weighing the pros and cons, until finally giving me an answer.

“I think we can give it a try. After all, there are several things I would love to ask you as well. So, it would be fair.”

A faint smile appeared on my lips, and also on Victor's, though he was obviously feeling nervous.

“You start,” I said, hoping that would diminish his nervousness a little.

“Okay. Why do you care so much about me?”

Having that question thrown at me right away was at least expected. Of course he wasn’t going to just forget about it. Luckily, I already had a ready-made response for it – one that wasn’t necessarily a lie – and this time I was not too agitated to act on impulse.

“It's normal to worry. You are my friend, and so you are important to me.” That was enough to bring a sincere smile to his face. He seemed honestly happy with my answer, what hurted me a little and made me feel guilty for having romantic feelings toward him.

“Your turn,” he said, gesturing in my direction.

Watching him, it was not hard to notice the false confidence he was trying to show off. His nervousness was still there and it was almost a miracle that he had agreed to take part in that game in the first place. There was no point in hurrying it, so I decided to go for a different approach until I felt he was ready to open up to me; after all, it was no use asking he about delicate stuff just for him to refuse to answer.

“How was your day today?”

Victor was obviously surprised by my question, so he didn’t respond immediately.

“Great. Or, at least, until just now. It was fun to go out with you, even though I thought you were pretty nervous,” he said at last. “Okay, my turn. Why didn’t you get right to the point?”

"I don’t see a need to hurry. We have a long day ahead of us.”

More than surprised, he seemed relieved by what he heard. His body relaxed and not just his lips, but also his eyes smiled at me.

We stood up, wanting to stretch the legs that had started to complain about the hard, uncomfortable bench. We walked around the park a few times, distracted by the discoveries we were making about each other, the events that happened at the movies now a distant memory.

“How is your family?” I asked, at one point.

“I'm only child. My parents live in Russia and I haven’t spoken to them for many years. What about you?”

“I live with my parents. My sister is in Japan, taking care of the family business. Are you lonely?”

“It was difficult at first, but I've been separated from them for a long time. Now, I have Makkachin and Yakov, so I don’t feel lonely anymore. Why did you come to the United States if your family has business in Japan?”

“I came to attend college and ended up staying because of my work and the life I built here. I'm a lot better today compared to a few years ago, but my parents, at the time, thought I couldn’t be left alone. They then decided to stay until they were sure that I was really well by myself.” I answered, feeling the memories coming up, my stomach wrapping itself. But it was my turn to ask, so I ignored my discomfort as I prepared for a more I knew to be risky. “Who is Yakov?”

I looked over at Victor, expecting him to refuse to respond in the same way he did someday, about a month ago. However, this time he was able to give me an answer.

“He kind of takes care of me. I know, it's kind of ridiculous for a guy my age to need a babysitter. He was my coach and I think he simply can’t ignore me.”

I gave a short laugh, to Victor’s surprise, who immediately stared at me with confused blue eyes.

“I live with my parents and you come and say that it’s ridiculous that someone take a look at you from time to time?”

“Ahh, but they are your parents!”

“It's the same thing.”

We kept walking, talking and having more fun than I thought it was possible. From time to time, we would let the subject die to take advantage of the quiet, comforting moments that arose. He walked beside me, obviously adjusting to my small steps, his arm bumping into mine as he approached me a few centimeters whenever he would tell me something. Already reaching the middle of the afternoon, we decided to go to a café. The recommendation of the place, of course, was made by me.

When we entered the familiar establishment, we headed to a table by the wall, where we hoped to have some privacy. We ordered some coffee and some cookies, which I insisted for him to give a try, and we continued our game.

“My turn,” Victor announced as the waitress walked away. “Was it your mother who taught you how to cook?”

“It was actually my father. He's always liked it a lot. But my mother is also a great cook.”

“Ehh... I’m almost jealous. I bet the food in your house is great.”

“What do you usually eat? Since you don’t know how to cook…” I asked, because it was my turn.

“I eat out almost every time. Or some frozen food, but Yakov doesn’t like when I do that.”

“It really isn’t good for you.”

“Maybe you could invite me to eat at your place then,” he said, obviously joking. But, of course, it wasn’t easy to convince my heart that he wasn’t being serious. My expressions must have become strange, because he soon added, “I was joking. You don’t have to be so tense.”

“I, ah, I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. Sorry for saying something like that, so suddenly.” He ruffled the strands of his hair, apparently feeling guilty for something that was nothing but insignificant. I cursed myself for sometimes being more stupid than usual, and for not having any social skills.

Hating to see what I did to him, even unintentionally, I decided to try to improve the situation.

“But maybe I can bring you food? And you warm it up at home…”

“There’s no way I could trouble you like that,” he was quick to refuse.

“Oh, sure…” I felt like the biggest of the idiots, and at that moment I wanted nothing but a deep hole to bury myself in. What was my problem with thinking before I spoke? Why did Victor make me act like a fool in love?

We were silent for a few seconds. I didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t even know if I really wanted to say anything else after all that had happened, and Victor was too busy staring at me to speak. His eyes studied me in detail, making me even more nervous.

“But maybe you can teach me how to cook something, someday?” He suggested, suddenly looking away, one of his hands scratching the back of his head.

“I, ahm..." I tried not to blush, but of course I failed miserably.

“If you don’t mind, of course.”

“I think we can try?” My statement ended up sounding more like a question, but Victor didn’t seem to care.

He smiled and rested his head on one of his hands. The waitress finally arrived with our orders, dropped them on the table and retired. Victor immediately tasted the cup of latte he had ordered and then picked up one of the cookies, breaking it in half with a bite. He then spoke something I was unable to understand, probably in russian, but by the way he smiled – a heart-shaped smile – I think the food was to his liking.

Silently, we focused on the piles of cookies in front of us. It was not long before there was no grain left, the last one cracked in the middle, though I had insisted Victor kept it. We went to the cashier and paid our bill. We were already at the front door when Victor suggested we bring a box of cookies to SGADP as our souvenir of the outing. I nodded and we headed back to the cashier, the girl smiling as she watched us approach.

When we were back on the streets, I was surprised to see that the sun was already setting, because. while on Victor’s company, I didn’t realize the time passing by.

“The day ended quickly today,” he said, as if reading my thoughts.

I looked in his direction, noticing the way the strands of his hair fluttered in the cold wind that the night carried. He turned in my direction and our eyes met. We stood in a silent exchange of glances until my heart couldn’t take it anymore and began to race.

“It was fun,” I said, sheepishly, and Victor nodded.

“Maybe we can repeat it someday?”

“Of course. It... It would be my pleasure." I cursed myself for my choice of words. What was my problem in giving non-embarrassing answers? Why did I always have to act like this? “Err, I mean…”

“Yes! A pleasure!” His voice was cheerful and it was enough to make me look up from the ground. When I looked in his direction, I saw a broad smile on his face, which was flushed because of the cold. It was really starting to get chilly... We walked down the sidewalk to the parking lot where Victor's car was parked.

Earlier, he had insisted on giving me a ride home even though I had said several times that I was used to riding the bus, and so, I found myself now sitting in the passenger seat of his car, an old song playing in the radio. It would take about fifteen minutes to get to my house, and for some reason the silence had started reigning again. I tried to distract myself, but it seemed impossible. I was again feeling very anxious, although I didn’t understand why.

“Whose turn is it?” Victor asked as I arranged myself in the car seat for the third time. He might have noticed my agitation, though I wish he hadn’t.

“I asked what you usually eat, so I guess it’s your turn.”

“Ah, but I asked you if you would teach me how to cook, and if you would go out with me again. I feel like I skipped your turn.” He said, apologetically.

“Ah, but those weren’t serious questions.”

Victor stopped on a traffic light just in time to look in my direction, confused expressions on his face.

“But I meant it.”

“I actually chose badly my words... I meant that they didn’t count." I quickly corrected myself, embarrassed. The traffic light turned green and Victor started to drive again.

“For a writer, you stumble a lot on your own words," he said, his tone ironic but also friendly.

“Writing is easier than speaking.”

“Really? Thinking about so many things and then organizing the ideas, then putting everything on paper... It seems pretty complicated, if you ask me.”

“Actually, it's not much different from talking in that sense. The only difference is that, when you write, you have time to repent and correct yourself.”

“Hm, that makes sense.”

We were silent for a few more seconds.

“So, were you serious?” He asked, suddenly. “About teaching me how to cook. Because you don’t have to if you don’t feel like it, and you'd also have to make time and go to my house..." Victor looked nervous, his words almost stumbling on itself. “You must be a busy person.”

A part of me, at that moment, shouted at myself to step back, that I was taking too great a step and that I would regret coming too close to something I would never have. Victor's heart was unreachable to someone like me, and I’d known that from the beginning. I was, at most, a friend in his eyes. Victor would never see me otherwise and my feelings were almost a betrayal just by existing. However, as I said, I'm an idiot, a really big idiot.

“I guess I can make time.I haven’t been that busy lately.”

“Great!” He exclaimed cheerfully, averting his eyes for a second off the road to look in my direction.

“Great…” I thought, already regretting that I had agreed. Actually, writing was much easier. If it was all just a text, a passage in a story, I could just press the backspace key and everything would be solved; but, unfortunately, life wasn’t that simple.

We were almost in front of my house when he reminded me to ask him a question.

“I insist, Yuri. I asked so many things and skipped your turn. It's not fair, so finish the game with one last question.”

I was thoughtful for some time. When Victor parked in front of my house, I still hadn’t thought of a question. He, however, didn’t react in any way, he just turned in my direction and locked his gaze on me, waiting for whatever it was that I had to say. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t know something to ask, the problem was that there were just too many things I wanted to know about him. Favorite food ... Favorite place in town... If he liked to read... Something about the Makkachin... There were several possibilities. But I knew there was something above all that, a question that begged to be asked. I tried to fight it, to contain it, uncertain whether it would be too big a step. Still, in the end I was defeated by my own curiosity, who spoke louder.

“Were you a figure skater?”

This time, I didn’t look away. No matter how big was the discomfort in my chest, or how much my anxiety begged me to open the car door and run to inside my house. I held my ground, watching the glint in his eyes disappear for a brief moment before normalizing.

“Isn’t that the kind of thing you could just look up on internet?” He asked, in a tired voice.

Victor seemed shaken by the subject I had brought up. Neither angry, nor sad, but melancholic, as if the mere mention of skating had brought up memories that he preferred to keep in oblivion. I knew the subject was delicate, I’d started suspecting it when he tried to hide the photo he had on his cell phone, and I’d been sure of that today as I saw his eyes become opaque.

I shook my head in silent denial.

“The truth must come from you.”

Victor sighed, tired, but at least his complexion already seemed a little better.

“Yes. But it's been two years since I had to step down.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> As you may have realized, this chapter was a bit different from the normal ones. (Basically, it's what the fic would be like if I had time to put so much effort on it.) So yeah, I had to work hard to write this. But you know what? That doesn't matter. What do matter is: Did you like it? Because I hope so. I truly hope so. And you know what would be amazing? Comments! Please, don't make me beg.   
> Well, that's all I had to say. Sorry about any mistakes. Big chapters are more difficult to review. But I'll try making less mistakes in the next chapters!!  
> See you this Saturday! 
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	20. Day 20

09/09/2017

 

As soon as I arrived at SGADP, I reunited with Leo and Guang and we started talking about our weeks. Obviously, my "date", as Leo insisted on calling my outing with Victor, was not a topic they could just ignore. Faced with teasing and curious stares, I blushed and asked them to stop, as they were only making me uncomfortable. It's not like Victor liked me, after all. Guang then asked if I'd had fun and I said yes, and that it had been nice to find out so many things about Victor. “Did you fall for him all over again?”, Leo teased soon after. Guang reacted with a low chuckle but I didn’t say anything in return, because I was blushing too much while thinking that maybe that was really the case.

As I tried to calm the heart that beat fast in my chest, Leo drew our attention to a figure that walked toward us, who was none other than Victor. The first thing I noticed was that he was smiling, the second was that he was staring at me. We stayed in this quiet exchange of glances until he extinguished the distance that separated us. He greeted Leo and Guang and, when he turned back to me, he drew my attention to the bag he held in his hands. I smiled, glad he hadn’t forgotten the cookies.

When we realized, Minako was standing in the middle of the room, everyone gathered around her. Without delay, she asked if anyone would like to go first, and my immediate reaction was to question what was the point of asking such a question in a room full of anxious people that, if they could, wouldn’t even have left their homes in the first place, just so that they wouldn’t be obliged to interact with others (myself included). But then Victor offered to go first and I saw myself with no options other than to follow him toward the center of the circle, while glaring at him all the time; but he didn’t seem to understand what he had done wrong.

We talked about our trip to the park and how there were so many people enjoying the warm weather. We, of course, didn’t mention what happened on the movies, jumping right to the bistro, when I made a point of praising the place whenever I could. Victor then took the box to Minako, who began distributing the cookies.

As we returned to our places, Leo and Guang replaced us and told everybody of their visit to a craft course. From a bag they pulled the product of their day: a vase made by Guang and something that Leo insisted on calling a bowl, though I wasn’t sure if the unrecognizable mass could be called that. Leo then said he had warned Guang that he wasn’t good at such things, and Guang went on and said that at least they had fun.

After all the pairs had made their presentations, the interval was then decreed. Victor brought the rest of the biscuits and offered them to me. I refused, saying that I couldn’t continue eating like that since I had already overdone during the week. Victor seemed confused and said that I looked great and that he didn’t think I had to worry about my weight, and that, even if I got a little fat, it wouldn’t be a problem either. "You would go from charming to cute, just that," he said, or I think he has. I didn’t dare asking if I'd heard it right (although now I think I should have made the effort). Still, even if he really said that, it's not like his words had any deep meaning, because it's about Victor we're talking about and he seems to be the kind of person who loves to throw praise at everywhere. Victor once again asked if I really didn’t want a cookie and I ended up giving in to temptation and picking one inside the box.

He then asked about Leo and Guang, saying it was strange that we weren’t together. I replied that they wanted to talk about some things alone (since I couldn’t say that they had left me as soon as they noticed that Victor was coming to meet us). Suddenly, Victor brought up love and commented on how it was sudden and unpredictable, and I had no idea what he was talking about. Before I could question him though, he asked if Leo and Guang were going out together. Surprised and unsure about what to answer, I said I had never thought about that possibility, but that I didn’t think it was impossible. Also, that would explain many things. Then, I thought about all the times I had been in the way, if that was really the case.

During the talk wheel, I told them I had had a good week, but that there was nothing significant to share. Things had calmed down at my work (a miracle) and my editor had hardly been unbearable lately. Victor commented that a friend called him to go work with him and that he was considering the invitation, but that the idea of trying new things frightened him a little.

When the meeting was over, Victor came to say goodbye, but I asked him to wait a bit because I wanted to talk to him. I remember until now his eager and bright eyes, in which I almost lost myself for a moment.

After recovering my focus, I said that if he wanted to talk about his possible new job with me, that he could send me a message at any time, and then I said that it was a great opportunity and that he should try it out.

One of the things I discovered about Victor during our not-a-date was that he spent too much time at home, and although I didn’t have much right to say anything about that (since I usually locked myself inside my room most of the time, to write), I thought it would be great if he had something to occupy himself with.

He nodded and thanked me, then changing the subject and asking when I would be able to teach him how to cook, because he couldn’t wait for that. I said we could arrange it sometime during the week, but that he should resolve the issue about the job first. As we parted, I went to look for Leo and Guang, finding them laughing as they chatted. Immediately, I thought about what Victor had said, about the possibility that they were dating, and then I decided to go back from where I had come from and leave them alone. However, I was spotted by Guang before I could escape.

I joined them, with no option but to intrude. We talked a little about various matters and then my mother arrived, taking me away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Sorry for any mistakes. I had some personal problems and because of that I didn't have time to check it once more before posting. Still, hope you all liked this chapter.  
> Gonna end this notes already because I don't have much time and the computer isn't even mine lol, but I hope to see you all next week.   
> Comments are always cool. Thanks for everybody who is still reading this fic!
> 
> Oh, one last thing!! [Megsotaku](http://megsotaku.tumblr.com/) made some really cute fanart for OWCH, and I really think you all should go and send her some love! Here's her fanart of [Yuri](http://megsotaku.tumblr.com/post/165083462606/sad-yuuri-inspired-from-a-fic-by-nekoclair) and [Victor](http://megsotaku.tumblr.com/post/165114404266/thoughtful-viktor-this-is-for-nekoclair-lovely). Again, thank you so much for drawing this. It made me so, so, so happy, you have no idea. ♡ ♡
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	21. Day 21

16/09/2017

 

Once I arrived, I greeted Leo and Guang, that were chatting beside the gate; but then I saw Victor inside the building and took advantage of that to leave my friends alone. We talked quickly about our weeks and I asked him about the job, receiving in response a stare full of guilty, that of someone who still hadn’t decided what to do. I then reminded him that he could talk to me if he wanted to, he nodded and followed me to the group that was getting ready to begin the activity.

“Mirror Image” is an activity done in pairs and Victor was my partner. Victor went first, making simple movements and I mimicked him while fighting against the nervousness that always afflicted me in the beginning. When was finally my turn, I moved my arm slowly over my head, the expressions on his face changing as mine. I observed the way the muscles on his face and body moved, charmed, and, when I realized what I was doing, I lowered my arms. He took that as a signal to take over, apparently unaware to the stares I had been directing him, and we continued the activity until it was over. In the end, I was feeling more tired than I thought it was possible.

During the break, I stayed glued to Victor. I exchanged glances with Leo and Guang at some moments and every time they would send me a smile full of provocation and satisfaction., apparently misunderstanding the situation. Not that I wasn’t enjoying the time I was spending alone with Victor, but I had already decided not to expect to have my feelings returned. All I had wanted was to give them an opportunity to be alone, while I observed and tried to discover what kind of relationship they had.

During the talk wheel, nothing special happened. It seems no one had the time to do anything lately. Victor said nothing more about his job offer, and Minako didn’t ask him about it either. I told them I had gone to an appointment with Celestino and that he had been happy about the progress I had made so far, and especially with the fact that I hadn’t given up. 

On my way out, I headed straight to my mother’s car, that was already parked in front of SGADP. I said goodbye to Victor, who had accompanied me until the gate, and I waved toward Leo and Guang, that noticed me shortly before I left.

While I returned home, I had only one thought in mind: I really needed to start going by bus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This time the chapter was small, but I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> Comments are always welcomed. Made an author happy! Constructive criticism is always cool, too. Feel free to say whatever you have in mind. :)
> 
> And that's all. See you next week~ 
> 
>  
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	22. Day 22

23/09/2017

 

Today was one of those days when I would rather not write anything at all. It’s not that it was a bad day… Okay, maybe that’s exactly the case. All the conversations, the activity, everything... Everything seemed to be dragging itself, as if a minute lasted for hours.

As soon as I arrived at the familiar room where the meetings of the therapy group took place, I greeted my friends, who were waiting for me by the gate. We talked about our weeks, we commented on some news that we had to share and they provoked me because of my feelings toward Victor... The usual.

For the activity we put together a huge puzzle, one group looking for the pieces that had been scattered around the room while the other organized them, putting each one in its proper place. It was monotonous, or at least it was for me. Not even the smiles that Victor showed me whenever he came to tell me that he had found another piece seemed to be able to improve my mood.

I wanted to be alone.

I wasn’t sad, or anxious, just... tired. So, when the break began and I finally had the opportunity to isolate myself, even if only for a few minutes, I wasted no time and went to the bathroom, an attitude that needed no further explanation. _ I don’t want to talk right now. _

When I got back to the group, I found the three of them sitting together in one corner of the room. Victor was right beside Guang, his fingers drumming over his restless legs. As soon as he saw me, though, he seemed to relax a bit. I sat down beside him and he immediately asked me how I was doing. I nodded, silently, on my lips a tired smile which sole purpose was to try to reassure him a little.

I really was fine, so I hadn’t been lying; I simply wasn’t feeling great.

During the talk wheel, Minako asked how everyone was doing and the answers were as boring as my day.

Finally, I returned home with my mother, but only after being recommended a few hours of sleep. My tiredness, apparently, was as evident to them as it was to me. In response, I thanked them for their concern, while internally I thought it would be good if it was my body that was tired.

When the soul is tired, the recovery time is unknown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world.  
> Another small chapter. This one, in fact, even broke the record, managing to be smaller even than the pilot. To tell you the truth, I did think he was maybe too small when I was reviewing it and thought about stretching things out a bit, but then I started to reread it (again) and I realized that I was identifying myself with it (with this weeks's Yuuri) so much that I just couldn't do that. It doesn't seem like months have passed since I wrote it, because it reflects perfectly my mood this week. So, I decided to leave it this way. But, if it makes anything better, next week the chapter will be big again! (or big in this fic's paramether at least)  
> Apart from that, how are you? I hope everyone had a great week! ^^ As for me, my exams ended yesterday, so I'll be able to procrastinate without feeling guilt from now on hehe Ah! And I was able to write some more chapters of OWCH, that is something I haven't done in a long time. Unfortunately, the chapters I'm working on at the moment are more difficult to write, and for one of them I don't even have a good base to work on yet (the only one in this situation, at least), and that discourages me a little...  
> Comments would be nice. Please, come and give me some love! (Or constructive criticism, if you have anything to say ^^).  
> See you next week~
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	23. Day 23

30/09/2017

 

This time, I didn’t join up with Guang and Leo to make cakes for the community snack, nor did I accept Victor's request to teach him how to cook; especially because he hasn’t yet solved the job issue, or even came to me to talk about why he’s taking so much to make a decision. I understand it's complicated and that's a huge step for someone who pretty much never leaves the house, but there's a limit to how long one can leave someone waiting for an answer. But, whatever, since Phichit came to spend the night in my house, I had a good excuse to refuse everyone's invitation.

Speaking of Phichit, it was good to see him again after so long. We played a lot with Vicchan and we talked about a lot of stuff, although the conversation would always go back to SGADP. He asked me how things were going with Victor, to which I replied that I was trying not to create expectations. Then, Phichit shook his head in disapproval, but said nothing, certainly aware that a direct approach wouldn’t work with me.

Wanting to change the subject, I commented on Guang and Leo, and about how I thought that maybe they were dating. After considering the possibility for some time, he said he didn’t know if that was the case, but that he would certainly love to find out. We then commented on how Leo sometimes blushed when Guang smiled a little wider than usual, and how Guang always looked at Leo with delighted eyes when the other wasn’t seeing. In the end, we concluded that they matched each other and that it would be nice if our suspicion was correct.

When it was time to leave for SGADP, Phichit ended up accompanying me, helping me carry the drinks I had brought to the community snack. We went by bus, although I don’t know if that was possible due to the fact that my mother has finally given in to my request for independence, or if it was only because of Phichit's presence. After leaving the drinks on the table at the far end of the room, I went with him to the gate with the intention of saying goodbye, and to thank him for the company, but then Minako came and, after she discovered that Phichit was one of my close friends and that he was very fond of psychology matters, invited him to stay.

The lecture was about to begin when we joined Leo, Guang, and Victor, who were sitting in the middle of lots of empty chairs. Leo and Guang were surprised to see the unexpected visitor, but it was Victor who Phichit greeted first. “A pleasure to finally meet you,” he said, shaking Victor's hand. The emphasis and implications he was trying to bring out were totally unnecessary, and I will certainly comment on my discomfort when I speak to him again. Victor, however, didn’t seem to realize the connotation behind Phichit's provocative tone (fortunately).

Minako then stood in front of the group, ready to begin the lecture about the recent studies on music and relaxation, and everyone got quiet.

When we were finally given a break, Guang and Leo announced that they would go to the bathroom and left. Immediately after, Phichit turned in my direction and asked if I had come to any conclusion on whether or not they were dating. I shook my head, saying no. Victor, who was sitting next to me, asked if we were investigating them, the smile on his lips that of someone who enjoyed what he had heard. Without a second thought, Phichit replied that it was obviou that we were investigating, because if two people liked each other, it’s natural for one to wish that they got together, and then he added, “If a person has a crush on a friend, don’t you hope that the feeling will be reciprocal?” I was horrified at how straightforward he was being and the certainty that I had to talk to him after the meeting only grew bigger. Still oblivious to the unspoken truths behind Phichit's words, Victor only responded with a sincere "I guess". When Leo and Guang returned, they asked what we were talking about and Phichit laughed briefly, saying that it was nothing important, and the matter died there, to my relief.

During the second part of the lecture, I found myself distracted, attentive more to Guang and Leo than to the words Minako uttered. My curiosity was speaking louder than my reason. At one point, I thought I had seen him hold Leo's hand, but then he noticed I was staring at him and, flushed, he rested his hands on his legs. I felt guilty, and for the first time I wondered if what I was doing was right.

As soon as the lecture was over, Phichit went after the doctor to ask if she could send him the contents of the lecture, as well as other things she found interesting, leaving me alone with Victor. Guang had left with Leo shortly before, heading for the tables to get something to eat, and he still didn’t seem to had calmed down.

I was wondering if I should talk to him later, maybe send him a message, when Victor turned in my direction and asked if I wanted to get closed to them. “I can be your disguise if you want,” he suggested, winking suggestively.

Taken by surprise by the unexpected offer, I fumbled with the words when I tried to respond, and then I said that I didn’t know if it was right to do that kind of thing, after all they had never done this to me. Victor looked surprised and his smile disappeared, which made me wonder if he was annoyed that I had turned down his offer while also kind of questioning his morale. The question that followed, however, was against any expectation I had created. “Do you like anyone?” The echo of a meaningless interrogation left my lips before I could stop it.

Victor followed saying he hadn’t expected that and ended the subject, turning his face away and looking at his hands with thoughtful expressions. However, I didn’t have a chance to ask what had happened, because Phichit came back and asked if we were gonna leave already, only after stating the question noting the tension surrounding the man that sat next to me. “Not that we're in a hurry,” he tried to correct himself, but Victor's reaction was to ask how we were going to go home. When I said that we were going by bus, he offered us a ride, but I said that it was not necessary. Victor, however, insisted, and we were soon inside his car.

During the trip home the tension disappeared from his shoulders and everything was back to normal. Phichit and Victor talked absently all the way, jumping from one subject to other. Victor had been excited to know that Phichit and I were so close, but at the same time he seemed to have a concern behind his warm and gentle voice; however, I didn’t comment on it.

As always, I didn’t understand what was going on in Victor's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Sun is shining, the world hasn't ended and the chapter had gotten big again! Hope you liked this chapter, and the way I'm developing this story. Also, there's maybe some mistakes this chapter because I had some doubts when I was translating it to english, and I didn't have time to research if it was right or not... (But at least this time there were no sentences that only make sense in portuguese, because that's the worse that can happen and I die a little every time).  
> And since I commented on "translating" and I don't want anyone to misunderstand my words... This fic is mine. I'm not stealing it from anyone. The thing is, the original work is in portuguese. So, yeah... That's it.   
> Now I have a question to you all! What kind of chapter do you all like the best? The types are free time, activity and lecture. Personally, I like the ones with activities in it, because there's always the possibility of doing something different. ^^ Also, I learned a lot of dynamics while doing research for OWCH, and I'm a fan of useless information!  
> Well, that's it. Hope to see you all next weak. Have a great day!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	24. Day 24

07/10/2017

 

When I arrived, I found Guang sitting alone on the table in the yard. Even though I already knew that Leo wouldn’t come today, as he himself had informed us of this fact a few days ago in a message, to see Guang by himself was still really strange. It was as if something was missing. However, Leo has an important performance in a few weeks and rehearsing is his priority right now, so there was nothing that could be done. At least that gave me the opportunity to get rid of a weight that I had been carrying on my conscience longer than I would have liked to; and the fact that Victor apparently also hadn’t come meant that I hadn’t any distractions.

I approached him and said a timid hi. Guang lowered the cell phone he used to distract himself while the session didn’t begin and I sat in front of him. We talked briefly about the usual things and then I decided to get right to the point. I was nervous and, with each passing second, it was becoming more difficult to bring the subject up. When I finally did, Guang's reaction was to blush immediately, his rounded face becoming even more delicate than usual. Still, he didn’t deny anything.

After giving him some time to recover, I asked why they had not told me anything, since I certainly had got in their way many times. If I had known, I would have given them more privacy. He was quick to respond that I had never intruded and that they liked to have me around. I smiled unconsciously, happy about his sincere words.

Guang then told me that he and Leo had been dating for over a year, and that Leo, then just a childhood friend, had confessed to him in the backstage at a music festival. “I used to tag along because he used to call me his lucky charm, but I never thought I would ever get a confession of love,” he commented timidly as he smiled sweetly.

Guang continued to talk about their relationship, telling stories that were worthy of books. He seemed relieved to be able to open up about all that, and so I let him speak freely. It was easy to see just how in love he was, and I was sincerely happy for them. Suddenly, I felt like an idiot. I should have gone right to them and just asked instead of investigating it behind their backs.

Late, Victor arrived during the break. As soon as he entered the building, he went to talk to Minako, who was surprised to see him. They said something to each other and Victor then headed toward us. Taking advantage of the fact that Victor had not yet caught up with us, Guang patted my shoulder and, with a smile, wished me good luck. When Victor finally reached me and saw Guang walking away, he asked where he was going and I told him that he was going to the bathroom (the first excuse that came to my mind). He didn’t question.

Wanting to change the subject, I asked him why he was late, and suddenly he seemed very tired. “You won’t believe it…” He told me that he had gone to take the garbage outside and forgot the door open, and that Makkachin had fled. “He's an old dog! He shouldn’t run so fast!” I smiled slightly and said that he should think on the bright side, as this showed that Makkachin was still healthy. He then looked at me and smiled. “Yeah, I guess so,” he said shortly after, and I could feel my heart melting in my chest.

During the talk wheel, I said that I had been feeling a lot of things at the same time lately, and that I didn’t know how to deal with so many feelings. Guang commented that he had made a friend at college, a Korean senior who was doing interchange, and he said it was nice to have someone to eat lunch with from time to time. Minako then turned in Victor’s way and joked that she thought he had returned to his bad habits. In response, he shook his head in a silent negative. Victor made it clear that he had no intentions of going back to how he was before when he was finally making some progress, and Minako seemed pleased with what she heard.

On the way out, I walked with Guang toward the gate when Victor joined us. He asked if my mother had already arrived and I informed him that I was going back by bus today. He then asked us if we wanted a ride home, which Guang refused, saying that he lived really close by. Guang then turned in my direction and said that I should take profit of the opportunity. It wasn’t difficult to understand the insinuations behind his words, but I accepted the ride anyway, because there was no way I could give up the chance to spend a few more minutes in Victor's company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world. How was your week? Mine was kind of boring, because classes and more classes, but there's nothing that can be done about that. Responsabilities urgh  
> Hope you liked the chapter. If not... Hm, sorry I guess.   
> Sometimes I still wonder why I decided to write a longfic. Oneshots are so much nicer, and they don't give me headaches. (And then I remember I have plans to write another longfic after this one and I feel like burrying myself in my sheets and never leaving my bed anymore.) There are times I wish I had been born in an english-speaking country, because I feel like I would have a lot less insecurities; but, at the same time, I love so much the brazilian fandom, so I guess in the end it's okay to struggle a bit from time to time.   
> Well, that's it for today. Comments would be appreciated. Please, leave your opinion on the story. That would make me really happy. Constructive criticism is also welcomed, since I'm always trying to get better at writing.  
> See you next week! :)
> 
> Oh, right. I did an sketch of a fanart for OWCH and I may try to work on it sometime next week (or the following one). If it turns up nice, I will post it and leave a link. ^^
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	25. Day 25

14/10/2017

 

When I got to SGADP, I saw Guang and Leo chatting somewhere ahead. I walked in their direction and greeted them, and Leo then commented on how I had found out about them. I quickly apologized, but Leo was even quicker to say that there was no need for me to apologize. “The opportunity to tell you just never showed up,” they explained. I smiled, happy to have them as my friends. I felt truly grateful.

As we talked, I saw Victor go toward the yard of concrete and decided to go after him. I sat facing him at the table and he asked how I was doing. After answering that I was fine, I asked about him, and he said he was fine too. We were silent for a moment, but the silence was strangely comfortable. I then found myself thinking that it wasn’t for nothing that I had fallen in love with him, after all, he was kind and his company pleasant. Besides, Victor was undeniably a handsome man, his silver hair covering part of his face a charm apart. I realized then that I had never asked him how old he was, even though there was surely not much difference between us.

An idea then came to me.

The smile disappeared from my lips, which Victor apparently found strange, because he called my name, worried. When I looked back at him, I pushed my shyness away and asked him what he thought of playing “a question for a question” again, someday. Initially, his reaction was to be surprised, but then he smiled and nodded, sealing a silent agreement with me.

Today’s activity was "Catch the Balloon." Basically someone would shout someone's name and throw the balloon up, and so the other person would do the same. As for the rules, it just wasn’t allowed to hold or knock the balloon down. When Minako started the activity, everyone got into a clumsy circle and in the end we all had more fun than I thought it was possible. Even people who had never spoke before shouted each other's names as if they were old friends.

When it was all over, we were all tired. Victor pulled the unkempt strands of his hair back as he complained of the heat, and I found myself again thinking about how handsome he was. We spent the break seated down, resting.

When Minako started asking about how we were doing and also about our weeks, Leo commented that he was excited about the upcoming music festival, but that he was also super nervous. He concluded by saying that he would give his all at the performance, and invited everyone to come and watch him while Guang handed out leaflets. In addition, since there was just over a week until the festival, he warned us that he wouldn’t come to the next meeting of the group. Minako nodded and the wheel followed. Moreover, there was nothing else significant enough that needs to be highlighted.

Shortly afterwards, I bid farewell to Leo and Guang, who went home together after I promised to go to the festival. Victor, who was standing next to me, commented cheerfully that he could hardly wait for Leo's presentation. Leo thanked us and they then left. As soon as we were alone, he turned in my direction and asked if I would like to go with him. I blinked a few times, still absorbing the words that had been thrown at me without warning. In the face of my silence, he hastened to say that Guang and Leo would probably go together, so perhaps we could go together as well. He continued by saying he had a car, and that he could take us there.

Though not fully awake of what was happening, since there were too many things stirring in my mind, I nodded in agreement. Internally, I tried to convince myself that he hadn’t just called me to a date.

I could even admit to being hopelessly in love, but I refused to fool myself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world! Hope you all had a good week. ^^ Mine has been kinda stressful, but, since I didn't have classes last week, I was able to work on a chapter that was starting to really worry me so I'm happy right now. Now, there's only one more chapter that I really need to stress about and then, when I'm done with it, I should be able to even write some of the oneshots I've been meaning to!  
> Apart from that, I've got nothing to say. So... Well, hope you all are liking this story. Comments are always nice, so feel free to leave your opinion.  
> See you next week!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	26. Day 26

21/10/2017

 

Despite being aware that neither Guang nor Leo would be present today, entering the hall and not seeing them was strange. After all, since Day 1, at least one of them has always been present by my side. But at least Victor came and kept me company.

Shortly after I had arrived, Minako asked us to sit on a circle. After everyone had organized themselves, she explained that in the activity “Zoom” we would pass a deck between us and that we should use the figures drawn in the cards to create the passage of a story that should be continued by the others. Immediately all eyes turned towards me and I don’t know what they were expecting, after all I have never been good at improvisation. Victor, who was sitting next to me, seemed to understand the uncomfortable expressions I had on my face, because he asked if we could start at once, getting me rid of the glances that were full of expectation.

Things went well and the story was getting more and more interesting and creative, or at least until Victor’s turn, when he decided to insert a plot twist that destroyed everyone's planning. Things, then, began to take off, but at least it was funny to see the absurdities that began to appear. It was as if people were trying to make the story less meaningful with each new card.

During the break, I combined with Victor the details of what we would do on Tuesday. Leo’s show was scheduled to start at 8pm, but we decided to go to the park (the same from last time) at 6pm, as we were both in the mood for another “a question for a question”. It was then agreed that he would pick me up at my house and that we would stop at the bistro to eat something (biscuits) before we went to the park. This would leave us with a reasonable amount of time to find good spots to watch Leo’s presentation.

During the talk wheel, Minako asked how my book was going, as I had not talked about it for a long time. I said that I was getting closer to the final chapters and that that made me feel great, even though I was aware that there was still a lot to be done yet. For Victor, she asked about the job offer, which she made a point of saying she hadn’t forgotten. Victor shifted nervously in his chair and it wasn’t needed more than that for her (and me) to understand the situation. Minako simply said that he shouldn’t leave his friend waiting and that he should just say he wasn’t interested, if that was the case. She then finished by saying something about them having already had this conversation, and Victor promised to make a decision soon.

As I prepared to leave, Victor came toward me and asked if I wanted a ride home, which I accepted.

I took the chance to ask about the job, and I said that I didn’t believe he hadn’t yet decided on what to do. Victor explained that it was confusing, and complicated, and that he was unsure if he could do a good job. I reminded him that he could talk to me if he wanted to, and he answered by saying that he knew that, which made me continue by saying that I would repeat those words until they got stuck in his head and he came and talked to me.

As soon as I said that, Victor parked in front of my house. He looked at me with surprise in his eyes, making me feel embarrassed. I made a move to open the door and run away, but he grabbed me by the shoulder, his lips parted. However, he said nothing and just looked away from me as he let me go.

“See you Tuesday,” he said, smiling a smile that looked strange on his face. After a confused goodbye on my part, I got out of the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world!  
> Hope you liked the chapter. Are you liking the way I'm conducting the story? And the development of the characters? I hope so. I'm doing my best here, but, tbh, every new chapter I realize I'm not really cut off to long stories. I am and always will be a oneshot kind of person.   
> But, anyway, how have you been? Has your week been good? Mine has been dragging itself and now I'm really tired, but at least it's finally the weekend. I love going home, even if things are kinda tense there sometimes. It's good to sit on the sofa and watch some television with my parents. I guess this is that kind of experience one gets when they leave home... Because, honestly, I would always lock myself in my room all day when I still lived with them.  
> Now the importante stuff.   
> There will be, as you may already have realized, a special chapter on Tuesday. It will be covering the music festival and will be big. Hope to see you there! :)  
> And yeah, that's all. Comments would be nice; they always make me feel like I'm actually writing to someone other than me.   
> See you next week!
> 
> Omg what's happening to me, doing this long notes lately? 'A' So many unnecessary stuff... 
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	27. Day 27

24/10/2017

 

This is another one of those days when I see myself with no choices other than to go against my routine. It's Tuesday, but there’re too many things to report on. Today was a busy, tiring and fun day. I also made discoveries that I didn’t think I would do so soon.

It was exactly eighteen o'clock when Victor parked in front of my house.

As soon as I got inside the car and sat in the passenger seat, I realized something was not right. Or rather, normal. I couldn’t call that silence, or the way he looked at me from time to time, wrong. It was strange, but it wasn’t bad.

Everything seemed different and I didn’t know why.

Victor was driving through the empty streets of the late afternoon neither fast nor slow. The scenery passing through the window was as monotonous as the music playing on the radio, and the car’s swing was making me sleepy.

I rubbed my eyes and yawned without even realizing it.

“Tired?” He asked, not taking his eyes off the path. “You can get some sleep if you want to. I'll wake you up when we get there.”

“No, it’s alright,” I said, feeling a little bad for not having being able to hide my tiredness. I hoped that at least he hadn’t see it as a (false) sign that his company had bored me, since that was the complete opposite of reality.

Talking to Victor was always an adventure, because one never knew where the subject would end. We could be talking seriously about someone who didn’t seem alright, discussing whether we should report the case to Minako or not, and the next minute we could be laughing together as we shared stories of Makkachin and Vicchan. Dog stories were always the best stories, after all.

However, today I was more tired than usual, and I blamed the hectic pace that came back to take over my life because of my work for it. Still, that was no excuse to justify such a disrespectful attitude toward a friend who went out of his way just to give me a ride.

“Are you sure? The night will be long.” Victor asked again, perhaps wishing to make sure I understood it was okay for me to sleep a bit.

I nodded, but then I remembered that his eyes were busy with the road.

“If I sleep now, it'll be worse later.” Which wasn’t necessarily a lie; only partially, a truth full of unspoken words. “Besides, it's only a thirty-minute drive to the park.”

Nothing was said for a moment. I didn’t know what to say, and Victor was seemingly testing the ground, worried about the possible presence of land mines ready to explode in the first wrong step. Maybe I seemed to be in a bad mood, now that I think about it.

“Did you not sleep well? Were you working until late?” He asked at last.

“Yes, but at least it's almost over. Just a few more meetings with my editor and that's it.”

"Hmm." That's all he said, and then the monotonous music playing on the radio took over the interior of the car again.

I stared out the window, though aware that there was nothing interesting happening on the streets of that quiet city. Inevitably, I remembered when I first came to this town a few years ago, younger and full of expectations.

I was twenty one years old when I grew tired of being a disappointment to my family.

Ever since I was a child, I had seen my parents working hard to keep the Onsen open even if it didn’t appeal to the public as much as before. The crisis was being a problem for everyone, but for those who relied on tourism it was being particularly difficult. People no longer traveled as they once did, preferring to save their money or invest it in something less trivial. Few were those who were still willing to spend what they had at leisure.

Watching them struggle daily, struggling to keep the business going despite the difficulties, I decided that I too had to do something about it. So, I did what was within my reach: I studied. I gave up many things, friendships, doing things that I liked, all to make sure that, when it was time, I would enter a good college and help support those who had taken care of me my whole life.

Although I loved to read, the only books I ever had with me were textbooks, which became my only company over time, as the exams approached.

I studied a lot, and all the time. Before I realized it, my responsibilities began to weigh on me. Doing an exercise wrong brought tears to my eyes and made me feel like a failure. Thinking about tomorrow brought me sadness, because there was nothing really exciting to happen. My life became monotonous and lonely, and I began to lose my sleep. I also began to eat whenever, and when I realized I had already gained more than twenty kilos.

My grades had improved, but at what cost?

Still, I kept up with that lifestyle.  _ It will be worth it _ , I thought as I tried to wipe the tears that had stained the pages of the notebook; but it was too late, and the pages were now meant to carry those stains for the rest of their lives.

My parents could do nothing but watch me, aware that I was doing it for them. My mother even warned me that I was overdoing it once, but my attitude was enough for her to give up convincing me that I didn’t have to do all that for them.

In the end, I was betrayed by no one other than myself.

On the day of the most important test of any student's life, I was feeling horrible. My hands were shaking and I still remember the sensation of being unable to breath normally. It was as if my lungs had forgotten how to breath. Consequently, I was unable to answer half of the questions and failed the exam.

After that day, I began to feel worse and worse.

Shaken by failure, I felt that I had betrayed my parents and my sister. I felt horrible, and it was even worse when I looked in the mirror and saw what I had become. I didn’t like what I saw. My reflection was like the embodiment of my failures, looking at me accusingly and judging me for being so weak and useless.

I cried a lot, and all the time. It came to the point where my mother could no longer see me in that state, but nothing she said was capable of calming me down. They said I could just work on the Onsen, but that only made me feel worse. It reminded me of the things I tried to achieve, but that I lost sight of.

It was then on one day that I was trying to be helpful, leaving my room to try to help somehow, that Mari brought up the idea of me going to the United States, even if only for a while.  _ A change of scenery will be good for him _ , she said back then.  _ Besides, they say that’s a good place to start over. _ So, it was decided that I would move to the other side of the world with my parents while Mari stayed in Japan to take care of things.

Arriving there, I decided that the least I could do was accept my parents' suggestion of going to college. I chose this time, however, a course of my preference, thinking of my likings and putting them above all else.

So, I started to study literature.

I used all of my free time in the most fruitful ways possible, and even became friends with a younger boy who worked with me in the college’s newspaper. Phichit quickly became my best friend and it was thanks to him that I returned to my old weight. He had the ability to calm me down since that time, and he would always encourage me to do my best even in the face of difficulties.

In the end, something that was only meant to help me pass the time became my full time job. One publisher saw one of the texts I had written for the newspaper and from that my career began.

I was twenty two, and had finally found my place in the world.

 

\---

 

“Yuri?”

When I opened my eyes, realizing only then that I had fallen asleep, Victor had already parked the car near the park where the festival was already prepared, except for one detail or another that they had left for the last minute.

“Are you all right?”

I blinked a few times, straightened up and took one of my hands to my damp eyes.

“Ah yes,” I said, but the tears certainly didn’t make my words convincing. “I dreamed of some things from the past. That’s all.” I explained.

“Bad things?”

“A bit of everything,” I said sincerely.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head in silent negative. A smile rested on my face, a shy and sincere smile. Victor opened his mouth to refute my decision, probably to remind me that I could trust him, but I interrupted him.

“Not now. But perhaps in the company of some biscuits... " With one of my eyes, I blinked.

Victor's face immediately brightened up, a broad smile appearing on his lips and a slight blush taking over his cheeks. I turned my face away, somewhat embarrassed. Victor was a handsome man, but also a little cute from time to time.

We got out of the car and walked towards the bistro that was a bit more crowded than we would have liked. Still, nothing too exaggerated that would make us opt for a change of plans.

As we waited to enter the establishment, I watched the colours in the sky get warmer as the sun set. It was a pity that soon that miscellany of colors would be extinguished by the arrival of the darkness brought by the night. At least, there would be stars.

“I didn’t know that you liked to watch the sky,” Victor commented. I looked at him and nodded.

“A little. It's a good distraction.”

Victor freed me from his gaze, directing it to the sky I had been observing so far. His silver hair was swaying slightly from the gusts of wind that were running through the streets, the strands getting messy without making him any less attractive.

“But it’s so distant, so unreachable,” he said, his voice overflowing with tranquility, "and there's so much to see around here.”

At that moment, he turned in my direction and looked deep into my eyes. His face was slightly flushed, but nothing close to mine. My lips parted and fell half open, but no word was spoken.

I looked at the ground, sideways, and then at Victor again. I repeated this process a few times, unsure of where to fix my gaze. The only thing I knew was that I was flushed; the rest was a mystery. What expressions did I have on my face? With what eyes was I looking at him? How transparent were my feelings at that moment?

Victor tried to hold my hand, but I ran away from his touch.

He hadn’t realized my real feelings, had he?

Victor and I were friends. This was not a date. We came together for the sake of convenience.

I took a deep breath as I felt my body tense. I felt the stress growing rapidly inside me, but I was determined not to surrender to it this time. I took a deep breath and counted the seconds, releasing the air slowly. I repeated this process a few times until I felt that the symptoms of my anxiety were diminishing.

We were silent for the rest of the time. Victor didn’t try to start conversation with me any more and he also made sure to keep some space between us. As for me, I didn’t know what to say, and all I wanted was for the uncomfortable tension that surrounded us to go gone soon.

At least, it didn’t take much longer until we could get into the bistro. Each of us ordered a coffee, plus a bunch of cookies and a few other things that had caught our attention as we read the menu – such as a blackberry cheesecake.

Sitting in front of each other, we waited in silence until our requests were brought by the waitress. But then the silence became unbearable and Victor tried to extinguish it.

“So, how are you?”

“Tired, needing a few hours of sleep... But I'm fine.”

He nodded and a squeak of understanding left his lips. Things were still awkward and he was as aware of that as I was.

“And you?” I asked, aware that anything was better than going back to the silence from before.

“The same.”

The silence, however, came back.

Victor wasn’t saying anything. He stared at me, perhaps thinking of something to say, but he didn’t seem to have any ideas either. I wonder if I was still giving him a bad impression. Maybe I shouldn’t had avoided his touch...

“What about Makkachin?” I asked after a while, without any other idea on how to start a conversation.

His eyebrows arched in response to his surprise. He, however, didn’t seem to have any trouble answering, his body relaxing considerably as he talked about how Makkachin was still as adorable as ever.

“It's a shame he's not good with strangers.”

“He isn’t?” I asked, really surprised. I’d always thought Makkachin was a sociable dog who loved anyone who would rub his ears. Or, at least, that was the impression Victor gave me when we talked about him.

After I told Victor about this impression I had of his dog, a weary sigh escaped through his lips.

“I wish... You have no idea how many vets I had to go before he settled down. And of course he chose the farthest…”

With a laugh, I observed the way Victor talked about his dog, his expressions very different from the usual ones. Normally, he looked like a proud father. Today, not so much.

“That must be because he's very attached to you.”

“Perhaps. Well, probably, actually. It's been just him and me for many years.”

I nodded, giving him a sign that I was listening. The waitress arrived and placed our orders on the table, looking at Victor’s direction before leaving. Internally, I thought about how there was nothing to be done about that, since Victor was so handsome. Not that I had the right to be jealous, after all, Victor was nothing to me anyway.

Or, should I say, nothing but a friend.

Before I could start drowning in the negative emotions I myself had brought to the surface, Victor spoke again, distracting me just in time.

“What about Vicchan?”

“He's a good boy. Lovely, kind, sociable, all that I am not.”

“I think you're lovely.”

I shook one of my hands in front of my face, pushing away the ideas that were beginning to pop into my mind, and also Victor's gentle compliments. Sometimes, I had to remind myself not to misunderstand his kindness, or confuse it with something different.

“You have a very bad opinion of yourself,” Victor murmured, his voice part serious, part worried.

“I'm just being realistic.”

“But…” Victor was suddenly silent, and then his eyes lighted up as he come up with an idea. “Okay, my turn!”

“Ah?”

“A question for a question!”

“What, but... I don’t remember starting it.”

“There’s no rules about that." He said, innocently.

I frowned, but I knew there was nothing I could do. I gestured for him to go on, and, if the worst came to worst, I could refuse to respond. And, this way, I would also have the opportunity to know – and understand – a little better this man who wouldn’t leave my thoughts.

“Why do you always ignore my compliments?”

“I don’t ignore them.”

“You always act like my words are worthless.”

“This… isn’t true.” I said, suddenly feeling a bit trapped.

Victor wasn’t giving me time to even understand the situation, pushing me toward an abyss that I had to be careful not to fall over. Otherwise, there would be no turning back.

“Does my opinion mean nothing to you?”

The heart on my chest beat faster for a moment. My mouth felt dry, so many were the unspoken words.

“Okay. Time out. You asked two questions.” That was the only way out I could find.

Victor calmed down a little and arranged himself more comfortably in his chair. He seemed to be really agitated at that moment, perhaps nervous because I had so clearly refused to answer him. But there was no other way. There was no way I could admit that no opinion mattered as much as his. No way could I admit to be always thinking about what he thought of me.

“Victor.” I called and he immediately looked in my direction. The blue of his eyes looked annoyed, and then they ran away from me again. “Listen... I really don’t ignore them."

“It's not what it looks like.” He answered, dryly.

I took a deep breath, already regretting what I was about to do. Still, I couldn’t leave him be and simply ignore his fallen shoulders, not when it was my fault. Again, I took a deep breath, gathering all the remaining courage that I could find.

“There was that time when you said that I had been incredible guiding you…”

“What?” He asked, clearly confused.

“Mine Field, I think. You were blindfolded.” My explanation didn’t seem to extinguish his confusion as his brow continued furrowed. Still, I continued. “And there was that time when you said I was handsome and that I didn’t have to worry about my weight. And, also, every time you’ve told me that you wanted to talk to me more... I was very happy, and I remember all those moment perfectly.”

When I looked in the direction of the man in front of me, I found a blush taking over his face. Victor was embarrassed, and with no reaction. The gleam in his eyes flickered and it wasn’t hard to see that he hadn’t expected that.

“Victor,” I called and he flinched, obviously anxious for what I would say next, “I’ve never ignored your compliments.”

The blush on his face became even more evident. He pressed his lips together and he looked genuinely happy. I thought he was going to thank me (it's something he would normally do at a time like that), but he just kept quiet, as if thinking about something he wasn’t willing to share.

Since I had started to feel embarrassed by the words I had uttered myself, I decided to change the subject.

“When did your depression start?”

Confronted by my question, the expressions he carried on his face quickly transformed, which was almost enough for me to feel regret. However, I didn’t intend to let go of the opportunity of asking things that I’ve always wanted to know when the chance was finally presented to me.

Initially, due to the long moment of silence, I thought he would refuse to respond. He looked pensively at his own hands, his brows furrowed, his fingers interlaced on the table. But when he looked in my direction, there was no doubt in his gaze.

“It was shortly after the end of my skating career”

“End?”

“I hurt myself.” He answered, ignoring the fact that I had skipped his turn. “My leg, because of a bad jump.”

I couldn’t help but frown at the thought of the pain he must have felt. Then, I worried.

“But was it such a serious thing for you to have to quit skating? You don’t seem to have trouble walking.”

“Failing at that jump hurt me more than physically, and the pressure from the media and the fans ultimately destroyed my psychological. And I wasn’t that young anymore... Anyway, there were a lot of things that made me retire.”

“But... But the girl that day said you hadn’t made any formal announcement.”

“I wasn ‘t in the mood for that at the time, so I pushed forward that which was my duty, thinking that maybe the matter solve itself.” He sighed and his shoulders drooped tiredly.

“You should make an announcement if you really don’t plan to skate again.” Some seconds passed, not a word uttered. “Or do you?”

Victor seemed surprised by my words, as if they were the most absurd thing he'd heard in years.

“What? No!” He waved his hand in front of his face to reinforce his refusal. “You see, skating is very important to me, was and always will be, but I don’t feel that I belong on the ice anymore. Or, at least, not professionally.”

“But then…” Victor lifted one of his hands, silencing me with a gesture that didn’t need words to be understood.

It was his turn.

“What made you start group therapy?” He asked, casually.

An easy question, I thought.

“Celestino, my psychiatrist, said it would be good for me. Phichit then helped me find a place where I could sign up and we ended up finding SGADP.”

“Hmm…” Victor laced his fingers together and rested his head on his knuckles. He looked at me intently, but he didn’t seem to have anything to say.

I averted my eyes for a moment, feeling strangely uncomfortable with the stare he was directing me. I didn’t know why, but his blue eyes didn’t seem to have the sheen they normally carried.

So, I decided to keep talking.

“Celestino was really happy to know that I had started to participate in the sessions held by Minako. Apparently, they already knew each other, but they had lost touch. Now, every time I go for an appointment, he tells me stories of when they were younger.”

“It's true that Minako is incredible, and somewhat eccentric. I bet the stories are great.” Victor smiled slightly.

“Have you known the doctor for a long time? Sometimes you seem to be very close.”

“She used to work with athletes in the past, and, when I was younger, I would go and see her when the pressure was beginning to become unbearable.”

“Pressure?”

“People had expectations of me.”

“Too much expectations?” Victor nodded in response. “I guess it was a complicated situation then.”

“It was. But it was worth it.”

Suddenly, I saw in him expressions and postures that he usually didn’t show others. Victor seemed much less cheerful. He looked tired, nostalgic. He seemed to have been reminded of his life on the ice, the days when he had skated above the icy, shiny surface. His shoulders had fallen and his eyes seemed to be lost in memories.

Usually, I wasn’t interested in his skater self, but at that moment I’d wanted to know a little of the part of his life that could make him look so gentle but, at the same time, so melancholic.

There was something beautiful about the controversial feelings that had took hold of him.

Somewhat embarrassed by my inability not to fall in love with every new facet of him that I got to know, I ate some of the cookies that lay forgotten on the table. As always, they were delicious.

“Your turn.” I said, timidly, wanting to distract myself. Otherwise, I feared that my feelings, that my passion, would become as transparent as the wide window of the establishment, where it was possible to see the night become more and more present.

Victor, however, insisted for me to proceed with a question.

“But I asked about you and Minako.”

“That was basically a complement to my question.”

Aware that it was useless to argue with him, and rather happy to see that I had got rid of a potential unwanted question, I sought in my mind matters that I still wanted to know, which were many.

In the end, I found the ideal question.

“Why did you come to the United States? Why didn’t you stay in Russia?”

“That country brings me many memories and.. I think I wanted to move on, in a different and new place.”

“Were you able to?”

“What?” He asked, confused.

“To move on.” I shrugged, casually.

His eyes then wandered around the room, lost. Perhaps he was asking himself the same question, repeating it relentlessly in his mind.

“Maybe? I admit that not as well as I would like, but I'm trying. Still, it's hard.”

“Are you afraid of failure?”

“More or less that. Or of not being good enough. I'm not used to not being good at the things I do.”

“How modest of you,” I joked.

Victor threw one hand to each side.

“Just speaking the truth.” He replied, his voice cheerful, his tone that of someone who spoke the obvious.

We ate some of the food which awaited us mostly untouched on the plates. As always, the food was delicious, and my only criticism would be that the cheesecake wasn’t large enough to indulge my inner glutton.

I grabbed the cup of coffee that wasn’t anymore as hot as I wished and drank from it.

“So…”

Victor's voice brought me back to reality. I looked in his direction, waiting for his words.

“While there are still cookies left, I wonder if you would like to talk about what happened earlier."

I put the cup back down on the table and blinked a few times until I finally understood what he was talking about.

“Ah! About the dream?”

Victor shook his head in silent confirmation.

I was silent for some time, while I considered my options. It's not that I didn’t want to talk to him about my past, but for me to open up like this, without further ado, without preparing myself psychologically or anything of the sort...

“If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine too." Victor said, seemingly misunderstanding my silence. He then smiled gently. “Once, you told me you'd wait for me to feel at ease. I am also willing to do the same.”

Silence.

“I mean... That would be expected. After all, I can’t force you, or make you feel uncomfortable... Yuri, are you laughing? Oh my God, are you laughing at me?!”

Taking my hand away from my face, I smiled widely.

“Not laughing, it’s just…” I was just thinking that your desperate side is also cute, and that was unexpected. Of course there was no way I could say any of that out loud. “Just thinking you're a... good friend.”

Victor blinked a few times and then smiled, though he didn’t look as happy as I thought he was going to be. Maybe laughing at him had been too much. Maybe I should apologize later. At that moment, though, I had other things in mind.

“Let me tell you a story,” I said, the expressions on my face softening.

\---

 

When we left the bistro, we were surprised by the number of people who had already crowded the park. Not that this was unexpected, as the music festival was a relatively popular event in the city. The mistake was ours.

Distracted by a relaxed conversation, and with the delicious cookies that I couldn’t stop myself from asking for more, we ended up leaving the bistro when it was only half an hour before the bands started to play.

We joined the crowd and tried to get close to the stage, but that proved to be impossible. The mass of bodies of young people ready to party all night were already very thick, and they showed no signs of letting us pass.

Inevitably, I started to feel bad.

The goal today was to come and hear Leo play, give him my support, be a good friend... However, I ended up distracting myself, taking too much of an advantage of Victor's company. There had been even a time when I had wished to spend more time with him. I turned away from what should have been the focus of the outing.

My body sweated, my hands mostly. I gripped the edges of my shirt, feeling my body tense up. I took a deep breath. It was hot. There were lots of people, lots of voices, lots of everything. I felt my heart sink into my chest, and my vision became slightly blurred.

I knew where I was. I was where I needed to be. Leo. I was there for Leo.

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath once more. My eyes only opened again as I felt an arm slip behind my neck and rest on my shoulders, and what I saw was Victor looking in my direction.

“Sorry,” he spoke as he guided us away from the crowd. “I should have known that wasn’t a good idea.”

I didn’t reply. I stared at the ground, watching the way our feet walked in synchronized fashion. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. My heart still wasn’t back to beating normally, but now the reason was different. The warmth of his body, his scent – the same as last time –, the comfort the proximity provided... I was afraid of getting used to those feelings, since I knew that those were not gestures I would normally receive. Maybe never again.

I didn’t know whether to push him away or take advantage of the situation as much as possible and, before I could decide on it, he had already let go. The warmth of his body was soon missed, though I still felt it perfectly beneath my skin.

“I think we're going to have to look for some other place,” he said, and then I turned again toward him.

Throwing away the feelings that insisted on appearing at the worst of times, I blinked a few times and straightened up, wishing more than anything to show him that I was fine now.

“Any idea?” I asked. “I really want to watch Leo's presentation,” I said, looking at my cell phone's clock to see how much time we still had. Not much, I realized. “But there are so many people, I don’t know what we can do.”

“A higher place?” Victor asked and began to look around us.

“Yes. Something like that would be good.” I murmured, somewhat depressed with the night that had just begun.

However, Victor was no longer hearing me. And, before I came to, he had held my hand. Guiding us among the people, he walked up against the flow, moving away from the stage. I looked at our hands, joined, and smiled like the impassioned fool I was. Luckily, Victor was still looking up ahead, focused on the way while trying to avoid bumping into the other festival goers.

Meanwhile, all I thought about was how good it was to feel his warmth again.

We climbed a small hill, which apparently had been overlooked by the rest of the audience for being relatively far from the stage, and we sat on the lawn. When Victor let go of my hand again, I accepted that there was nothing that could be done about that and that there was no meaning in being greed.

As I settled down, sitting more comfortably, Victor announced that he was going to get some hot dogs and left before I could say anything, or at least get him money to pay for mine. When he came back and I tried to give him the money, he said I didn’t have to pay him back and gave me the snack.

“Are you cold?” He asked as he sat beside me.

I nodded, a silent negative, my mouth full with a bit of the hot dog. Victor watched me eat and smiled, making my face warm up.

“What's it?” I asked, though I didn’t know if I really wanted to hear the answer.

“Nothing,” he said, simply. “I just like to watch you eat.”

I looked sideways, embarrassed, and took another bite of the snack. When I finished swallowing, and also after I had calmed down a bit, I turned back toward him.

"You have strange tastes," I said, looking into the blue eyes that had not left me yet.

Victor gave a short laugh and ate from his own hot dog. Quickly, I looked away from him, aware that, if I didn’t do that, I might have been tempted to stare at him all night.

Luckily, Leo's band soon began to play, getting rid of any idiotic and irrational desire that would come to me.

The music was fast-paced and contagious, and it spread through the environment like the icy wind on a hot summer afternoon. It was pleasing to the ears and Leo’s singing was pleasant to hear. Leo was playing an electric guitar, his fingers running down the instrument faster than I could ever follow. Not that I was seeing much, because the distance was too much.

Before I knew it, the audience began to clap and the music was over. I smiled, pleased to see my friend's success. I couldn’t forget to congratulate him when I met him later.

“Hey,” Victor called, “is that Guang, in the corner of the stage?”

I looked in the direction he pointed, but all I saw were blurs.

“I don’t know. I can’t see it that well from this distance.”

“Oh, sorry. Victor looked in my direction, regretful.

However, I was quick to reassure him that it was all right. After all, it was no big deal, and it certainly wasn’t something he needed to worry about. I was used to seeing badly.

My cell phone shook in my pocket and, when I picked it up, I realized that I had received a message from Guang, who was wondering if I had even gone to the festival. After quickly typing a reply and sending it, Victor and I went down the hill and we joined the rest of the group, and I was surprised to see Phichit among them.

“Dude, I can’t believe you came without me!” Phichit exclaimed, as the distance between us became minimal.

Feeling awkward, I didn’t know what to do, because the truth is that I hadn’t even thought of inviting him. The idea of coming with Victor, just me and him, had taken all my thoughts in the last days. At no point did I think we could invite anyone else. After all, there was no reason not to invite.

The word “friends” rang again in my ears, as uncomfortable as at all other times. Why couldn’t I just accept that we would never be anything beyond that?

“I've been replaced!” Phichit exclaimed, bringing me back to reality. “But I guess there's nothing one can do about it. It's not like there's even a competition.” He said, dramatically.

“Phichit!” I shouted, hoping he would get the message. Why did he always have to do that sort of thing?

With my face hot because of the embarrassment that was inevitable, I looked at Victor, immediately realizing that he was somewhat uncomfortable with the situation. Great, I thought.

Victor, however, seemed to have his own interpretation of the situation.

“I'm sorry I didn’t invite you to come with us.” He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.

Phichit smiled.

“It's all right. I came together with Leo and Guang, and I was only joking with Yuri. You don’t have to worry.”

“Totally not funny," I murmured, but my voice, even if low, still reached Phichit’s ears, who smiled broadly as if to say that it was actually very funny.

After exchanging comments on Leo's presentation, congratulating him on the excellent performance, the hunger began to bother some of us. Apparently, except for me and Victor, the others hadn’t eaten anything for hours.

“Victor, can you go with me to get some sandwiches?” Leo asked casually, and they walked away.

As I watched them move toward the food stalls that had been set in a far corner of the park, I thought of how things between them had improved. And to think that there was a time when they wouldn’t even look at each other... Well, that was a long time ago.

“Are you going to keep staring at Victor and smiling like a fool until when?” Phichit asked, making my gaze turn to the two boys who were still with me.

“Ah... I wasn’t..." But I knew it was no use arguing with him. Because of that, I decided to just change the subject. “So, you came with them?”

“Phichit helped us bring the equipment,” Guang explained.

“If you were needing help, you should have said. I could have helped too.”

Guang and Phichit looked at each other, both smiling, probably amused by the lost expressions I had on my face. Now, I felt bad for not helping them and for having spent the whole afternoon eating cookies and chatting with Victor...

“We didn’t want to ruin your date,” Phichit said, finally, and by his tone I could tell he was amused by the situation.

Feeling my face warm up and my heart beating faster and faster, I didn’t know what to say. But to shut myself up at that moment was the same as admitting to something that was not even true.

“It wasn’t a date.”

Guang and Phichit didn’t say anything in response and just kept smiling. I tried to convince them that that was really not the case, but it wasn’t hard to see that the effort was not worth it. I doubted I could change their opinion, especially Phichit's, even if I were to spend hours arguing about it.

At least the beginning of a new performance served as a distraction, and we began to comment on the singer who was now performing with his band. JJ, that was his name. The guy was handsome and sang very well, but he was too loud for my taste.

As soon as he came back and noticed the subject that had been brought up, Leo quickly left his opinion. According to him, JJ was a great musician, but he wasn’t someone he would interact with normally.

“He's kind of... too much. I don’t know how to explain it any other way. Everything about him seems to be over the top. He’s not a bad person, but I wouldn’t like to be locked inside an elevator together with him.”

“The fact that he knows how good a musician he is doesn’t help either.” Guang added, his expressions tired like those of someone who had recalled some bad experiences from the past.

Victor stayed quiet and I stared at him for a moment, wondering if anything had happened. Since he and Leo had returned, all he did was give away the sandwiches and listen to our conversation without showing any interest in participating.

When he caught sight of my gaze, he looked in my direction and smiled gently. I was about to ask if everything was okay when Phichit dragged me back into the conversation, asking for my opinion on a subject I was no longer even paying attention to.

After talking to Phichit and the others for a while, I looked back at Victor. He wasn’t looking at me any more, his eyes turned toward the stage, where the last band of the night had already appeared.

 

\---

 

When it was time to leave, Victor insisted on driving everyone home. It was late and he refused to let anyone go back by public transportation. So, we squeezed ourselves in his car, me and him sitting in the front, and the others in the backseat.

The ride home was lively, an upbeat song playing on the radio. Conversations that didn’t seem to have a specific subject, changing topics every three minutes, took over of the stuffy environment. Though it was late, no one seemed tired enough to be absent from the conversation, and even Victor would made a comment from time to time.

He delivered everyone to their respective houses until only he and me remained in the car that became increasingly cold. Suddenly, we saw ourselves without a subject, and not even the music brought us joy.

I watched the night’s empty streets, thinking of the unnecessary detour he had taken while he was driving us home. Maybe he didn’t know the neighborhood well, I thought, but I soon realized that was not the case. It was on purpose, and I realized that when, as soon as he parked in my street, he turned in my direction and stared at me seriously, his nervousness apparent.

“Are you still going to teach me how to cook?” He asked suddenly.

Honestly, I don’t understand where that question came from. I wondered if this was what he had been thinking about all night, in his moments of silence.

“Yes, as we agreed... As soon as you solve the job issue.”

Victor was silent for a moment. He was tense and I didn’t understand why; all I knew was that his nervousness was contagious. It wasn’t long before I found myself uneasy on the seat, wishing more than anything to go home at once to escape from that uncomfortable situation. The hands that were resting on my lap moved impatiently.

The fact that he wasn’t speaking even a word was destroying me. When he finally extinguished with the excruciating silence, I was relieved.

“Actually, I wanted to talk about that. About the job. I think that maybe in my house the courage will appear…”

I listened carefully to every word he was saying, processing them slowly. It was easy to see the effort he was making to admit it. Aware that I had to acknowledge his effort, I accepted his offer.

“But I'm busy working on the end of the book right now, so I can’t take a day off at the moment.”

Victor was obviously disappointed with my answer, as his eyebrows and lips curved down. He then said that he understood, giving up, and added saying that there would certainly be some time where we would be able to talk in the future, even if it was at SGADP.

Despite the strength and confidence he tried to display, his insecurity was notable. I hated seeing him like that.

“Sorry. As soon as I find the time, I'll let you know.” I averted my eyes, at that moment already having made my decision. “And then I will go to your house…”

Victor didn’t seem to have expected that. He probably thought the odds were nil. How wrong was... He smiled, relieved.

“But is it okay to leave your friend waiting for so long?” I asked, wishing this would solve the problem that were his eyes, which stared at me with such brightness and anticipation. Victor really didn’t know what he was doing to me...

“The owner is a friend of mine, who only offered me this job to help me out. He is not really in dire need of staff.” He explained.

I nodded my head in an understanding gesture. Then, I said good night and got out of the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world!   
> Another special chapter! This time, which a lot of focus on Yuri's past! What were your thoughts? Did you expect something like that? More importantly, did you like it?!? I hope so. :)   
> Now, I only have one more complicated (read, special) chapter to write and then I will be free, since the normal chapter are a lot easier to write. Can't wait to work on some oneshots~ I've got some waiting for me, on their developing stage. ♡ ♡  
> Apart from that, how has been your week so far? Mine has been good! I watched the new episodes of Miraculous Ladybug and it was soooo beeeautiifulll. I could cry from how happy I am. (T▽T) It was so cute....  
> Well, that's all.  
> See you all on Saturday!!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	28. Day 28

28/10/2017

 

It was very early when I left home with Phichit, who had been invited by Minako to watch more of her lectures after showing to be so interested. Trying to keep the tradition, we went to Guang’s house to prepare dishes to take to the community snack. Unfortunately, Victor couldn’t join us because he had to take Makkachin to the vet. On the other hand, without him there to distract me, the sweet pie that Phichit and I made ended up delicious.

Already at SGADP, while we waited for the beginning of the lecture, I received a message. As soon as he saw me pick up the phone, Guang asked if it was Victor. I then read to them the message that said that he would arrive shortly, but that the delay in the veterinarian almost forced him to be absent today. “Why doesn’t he go somewhere closer?” Leo asked, and I explained how Makkachin didn’t get along with just anyone, and that it took him a long time to find someone he would accept. “You talk about some really random stuff,” Phichit commented and I replied that, since we both had poodles, it was normal to talk about these things.

Guang then commented, surprised, that he didn’t know I had a poodle, and Phichit was even more surprised to discover that I didn’t send two hundred thousand photos of Vicchan to them, as I did with him. I said I didn’t want to bother others, receiving a question from my best friend, who wanted to know if it was just him, then. I smiled, and said he was special.

Phichit had just jumped on me, purposely ruffling my hair and making us all laugh when Victor arrived and asked what was the joke, smiling. Immediately everyone became uneasy while looking at him, and we might had even shared the same thought. There was something strange about Victor, but I was not sure what, although his smile bothered me a bit…

Before the environment became uncomfortable, Phichit walked away from me and asked about Makkachin, wondering how he was doing. Victor reported that he was fine, but that worrying was never too much, since he was an old dog. And then an uncomfortable silence arose, and we only got rid of it when Minako stepped in front of the whiteboard, clapped her hands and told everyone to sit down and let the lecture begin.

Today's theme was how animals can help overcome difficulties, and all I could think of was the huge coincidence that we're talking about it today of all days. I looked at Victor, sideways, wondering if that was why he had Makkachin by his side, but then I remembered that Makka was much older than the problems that plagued him. Suddenly, Victor looked at me and we glanced at each other, but he quickly turned his face away, leaving me suddenly without any ground.

Had I done anything bad? Or maybe something was bothering him... Or... Did he not tell us all the truth about Makkachin? Had he not been honest when he talked about his dog earlier? I was troubled by these thoughts during the whole time of the lecture, and also during the small interval that only served to make me even more anxious, since there were no opportunities for me to speak to Victor alone.

During the snack, I took advantage of the fact that my friends had gone to serve themselves with the dishes waiting in the back of the room and I held Victor by the arm before he could move too far away. I asked if we could talk and he, surprised, just nodded and followed me into the yard, where we sat at the table that lay empty.

We were silent for a few seconds, just staring at each other. I knew I was making him uneasy, but inside me the uncertainties were growing and – as always – I was afraid to ask something I should not. I decided to put the words out before I changed my mind.

“Has anything happened?” Victor said no, and I then commented on how he was acting rather strange and that it had worried me. Confronted by his silence, I explained that I thought maybe he was hiding something about Makkachin. “He's fine, right?” I asked, anxiously, longing for confirmation. In response, he smiled and his expression immediately softened, warming my chest.

After he thanked me for worrying and making sure his dog was more than fine, we got up to stretch our legs and walked through the yard, going from corner to corner. The good thing about walking is that it always helps to de-stress, probably because we have something to occupy us at least a little. Honestly, I don’t know if there is an explanation.

As we walked side by side, I said that I understood how much Makkachin meant to him, since I myself had Vicchan, and the thought of being separated from him was terrible... Victor agreed, saying that always he tried not to think about it, because the very thought of it was already unbearable.

Immediately, I realized that I had made a mistake.

I stopped when I realized he had stuck some steps behind me. I tried to intervene, to change the subject, but it was too late and Victor had already lost himself in the darkness that was inside him, his face turning pale as he muttered about the future that haunted him, even though it had not happened yet. It wasn’t long before the past came to haunt him, too.

“I've lost so much already,” he murmured, his body tensing, his eyes drooping to the ground. “My family, my career... I can’t lose him either.” His blue eyes were wet and I blamed myself for bringing those emotions to the surface. I had to calm him down. It was my duty to extinguish with the storm which I had caused myself.

Without thinking, I pulled Victor into a hug, though I had no idea what I was hoping to achieve with that. My body had moved by itself and I had no idea what else I could do, so I guess it was better than nothing. At least that seemed to help. Victor seemed surprised to find himself suddenly wrapped in my arms, but he didn’t say anything; he just leaned his head against the curve of my neck and came closer, responding to the gesture and bringing me closed to his chest.

I let him stay until he calmed down, only wishing for he not to realize how fast my heart was beating because of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world! How are you? Hope everything is alright.   
> First, as you may have noticed, I finally revealed the total number of chapters OWCH will have. I planned on hidding it until I had written some more chapters, but I made a competition for my portuguese-speaking readers on another site and I felt it would be wrong to not tell you guys too.   
> Well, apart from that, sorry about Victor's OOC-ness in this chapter, and if his feeling were not well written, or if that crisis was kinda too sudden. =/  
> And that's all.  
> See you next week!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	29. Day 29

04/11/2017

 

Soon after I’d arrived, I went towards my friends despite being apprehensive. I was nervous because I suspected I would be provoked as soon as the opportunity arose. After being caught in the act, hugging Victor in the yard while everyone filled their bellies with snacks, some teasing was the least I expected. Although they hadn’t said anything about it all week, I felt it was inevitable that today they would make at least some sort of commentary. However, the subject wasn’t addressed at any time, and I don’t know if I want to know why.

We talked about random things, and the subject didn’t turn in unwanted directions. I still didn’t understand why they were staying away from a subject that was certainly of their interest. They had seen me and Victor hugging in a moment of intimacy that there’s no way I could ever justify. It happened, simple like that. Victor didn’t push me away; quite the contrary, he responded to the act and hugged me back, arms so much bigger and stronger than I’d ever imagined them to be. Besides, he smelled so good…

I only realized that I had lost myself in thoughts after my friends called me over and over again. Without missing the opportunity, Leo asked what I was thinking about, a provocative smile on his lips. Guang laughed shyly and then informed me that I was blushing. And since the situation wasn’t embarrassing enough yet, Victor chose that exact moment to join us. He might as well had prolonged his conversation with Minako... Conscious of the blush, I turned my face toward the floor, hoping it would hide some of the redness that showed no signs of disappearing anytime soon.

To my misfortune, Victor ignored the conversation that Guang and Leo held and turned in my direction, probably having been surprised by my reaction. Victor then asked if anything had happened, evidently confused and worried. I considered the possibility of keeping silent, but experience had taught me that giving him no answer wasn’t a good idea. So, I slowly lifted my head and said timidly that nothing had happened. Suddenly, Victor's face was also slightly flushed. His lips seemed restless, but he swallowed whatever it was it wanted to say. We sat in silence, staring at the floor, only hearing what Guang and Leo were talking, they apparently oblivious to what had just happened.

The first thing Minako did at the start of the talk wheel was to thank everyone for staying after so long, saying that she felt great with the confidence we had put in her. Then, she asked how we were doing, if everything went well in our lives last week, and the answers were mostly positive.

When the last person finished speaking, I said goodbye to Guang and Leo and asked if they had seen Victor, finding out that he had gone to answer a call. Honestly, I was somewhat relieved, because I didn’t know if I wanted to face him at that moment. My heart was still beating faster because of what had happened earlier and I was just beginning to calm down. I didn’t even know what expressions I carried on my face, and there were so many things in my head... However, I had almost reached the bus stop when Victor reached me. Although somewhat uncomfortable, I turned toward him and smiled.

He smiled back while he fiddled with the silver strands of his hair, straightening them, and he then asked if I wanted a ride home. Without even thinking, I refused. Victor insisted, but I explained that I wanted to be alone for a bit. His expressions quickly became serious, worried, and he asked if I was okay. After I answered that yes, I added that I wanted to put my thoughts in order. Victor nodded and offered to listen to my problems, saying that I could count on him at any time of the day and that if he had to, he would even come to my side.

With a cozy feeling in my chest, I smiled and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world! Hope you are liking this story!!  
> How's Halloween? Any nice stories you can tell? My country doesn't celebrate it, all we have is a holiday called "Finados" that is a lot less cool, since all we do is go and visit the dead's graves. Also, "Finados" is on a different date. It's on the 2nd of November.   
> Also, sorry if there a lot of mistakes on today's chapter. I should have translated it during the week but tbh I haven't been having my best days. So, I had to do it today, after coming back from visiting my grandma's grave and, honetly, I'm so emmotionally tired I actually considered not posting it today. However, I would feel even worse if I didn't so yeah...... If there's too much mistakes, just tell me and I will try to review it this next week.   
> Well, that's all. I have a lot to do about the next special chapter, so I'll try to work on it today since I'm soing nothing anyway. There nothing I wish more than to finish that chapter.   
> Comments are nice, kudos are too, leave me some and I will forever love you! ♡ 
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	30. Day 30

11/10/2017

 

Today (Yesterday?), the worst thing possible happened to me: I dreamed of Victor. Yeah, that kind of dream. Because of that, it was difficult to face him when the memories were still so clear on my mind. I loved him so much that I didn’t know anymore what to do with my feelings. Why couldn’t it be easier? Why couldn’t I just settle for his friendship? What am I supposed to do now that I recognize that being only friends is no longer enough? To get to know the warmth of his body was the worst thing that could happen to me, because now I wanted more.

A cursed hug, indeed.

I was so oblivious to the world, and frustrated with myself, that I only realized that the activity had begun when Minako said we had two minutes left. “Two minutes for what?”, was what I thought at the time. It was only when I turned toward Guang and asked what was happening that I discovered that today's activity was “Survival Scenarios”, and that we had to write the twelve most useful items to survive in a desert. Lucky me, the activity was done in groups, and Guang, Leo and Victor had already practically completed the list.

During the break, Guang and Leo took advantage of the fact that Victor had gone to the bathroom to question my strange behavior. I said it was nothing, receiving a skeptical look from Leo. “Do you really think you can still fool us after all this time?” He asked, one of his eyebrow raised. Beside him, Guang nodded and informed me that friends were there to help each other when necessary. Embarrassed and feeling rather uncomfortable, I explained that it was embarrassing to talk about it. “More than that time during college, when you... " Leo began, bringing up an ancient story that Phichit had insisted on sharing some time ago. Before he had time to keep talking, I asked him to stop and explained that it was another kind of embarrassment.

A few seconds of silence followed and then Guang asked if the matter involved Victor in any way. After I nodded, it was not difficult for them to understand the situation, let alone considering the ridiculous expressions that I more than certainly had on my face.

Guang quickly said that this was normal, and that I shouldn’t feel bad about this sort of thing. As for Leo, he blamed the hormones and then followed up by saying, “Maybe he also dreams about you, all the time, every night. Maybe he fantasize about you stuff you’ve never even thought about. A fetish, who knows. Maybe he enjoys sadomasochism. Or! Or! Or maybe he likes cosplay, cat ears, maid outfit..." Honestly, I wished he'd stayed quiet. Guang also didn’t seem to believe the things his boyfriend was saying. Leo threw a hand to each side, in surrender, and we all laughed, which was probably what he had intended.

During the talk wheel, I sat next to Victor, while Leo and Guang gave us some privacy by sitting somewhat far away. They probably felt that I needed that, the company of the real Victor who certainly wasn’t hiding any strange fetish. I smiled as I remembered what happened earlier. Instinctively, I looked in Victor’s direction, and I was surprised to find his bright eyes turned toward my smile. Obviously, this embarrassed me and made my expressions contract and become tense. I was nervous, and I didn’t know how to react properly.

When it was over, before anyone could escape, Minako told us that we should bring a personal object in the next session, to talk about and relate to our experiences. That is, some item with sentimental value to us. I went all the way home thinking about my options, although I already had an idea of what I wanted to bring.

While he was driving me home, Victor asked if I had already made up my mind and I answered with a maybe. He then said that he had also been giving it some thought and that he would probably send me a message later to ask for my opinion. I nodded, happy about being trusted, and bid him my farewell when he stopped in front of my house.

By the way, did I say that I’ve accepted his invite for a ride? Because I accepted it, at least this time. It was wonderful, and it helped me on getting rid of my insecurities. The moments shared between us are always nice; too nice to be harmed by a stupid dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world!  
> Another Saturday, another chapter~ We are getting closer and closer to the end of this story. Just 8 more chapters to go!  
> Hope you've liked what you read so far. Tbh it's the first time I write such a big long-fanfic while also updating it regularly. It was difficult at times, but it's also been a good experience (though I don't know if I will want to do something similar ever again).   
> I would like to remind you all that comments are the only thing that keeps me going. Reading your thoughts about the chapter, or even about the story itself, is something I very much like to do. So, don't be shy! I won't bite you! Also, some criticism is always welcomed, since I'm still learning. For those who are not native speakers, english can be quite complicated, specially when coming up with sentences. The way it's done in portuguese is so different... (´-ω-`) It's a lot of work translating all the chapter, you know.  
> And finally, I wanted to say that I've written a victuri PWP (that has more feelings than porn), and ask if anyone would be interested in reading it, because I don't know if I translate it or not, or if I leave if for later... I would appreciante if you guys could help me decide, since making decisions in not something I'm good at.   
> Well, that's it.  
> See you all next week!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	31. Day 31

18/11/2017

 

As soon as I got to SGADP I went toward my friends, who were chatting by the gate. Guang asked me what object I had brought, and they were both thrilled when I showed them the book I was carrying in my backpack. Leo was especially excited about the news. “You mean I'll finally know your pseudonym?!” he asked, a broad smile on his lips, his eyes glittering with anticipation. I have to admit that reaction made me happy.

And then I asked about theirs.

Leo brought a small hardcover notebook, whose state showed how much it had been used. As for Guang, he pulled a small bag closer to himself and said it was a secret as he blushed slightly. Curious, both Leo and I were trying to persuade the boy into giving us more details when Victor parked the car and joined us. I looked at him, eager to know if he had brought what he’d told me he would bring, in a message, a few days before. Before I could open my mouth, Victor smiled and nodded, showing confidence.

For today's activity, we had to talk about some object that had a sentimental value to us; basically, share our memories. Leo told us how his dream of working with music had started early, and how he have always liked to write songs in a notebook that he carries everywhere. I revealed my pseudonym and talked about my experiences in the literary industry, although I had been anxious to expose a part of myself that until then was mine alone. I was already returning to my seat when Victor stood up to replace me in the center of the circle. Just as I had assured him, everything went okay when he opened up about his past as a skater and showed his gold medal. At first, everyone was surprised, but then the direction of the conversation went toward the job offer which was a matter that no one, but especially Leo, could bear any longer to see unresolved. Finally, it was Guang's turn to pull a “bowl” out of a bag, which couldn’t have been more familiar to us. Guang admitted of his and Leo’s relationship, talked about how important his boyfriend was to him and how much he loved him.

The best part of the day surely was to see a super embarrassed Leo.

During the break, I took a closer look at Victor’s medal. Meanwhile, he was flipping through my book. Leo and Guang were gone, but I guess that was inevitable. After everything that had happened, them wanting some time to be alone together was nothing more than predictable. Victor then asked if he could borrow my book, and I nodded, even though my stomach was wrapped up by the expectation of having him read a story written by me.

After everyone had gathered for the talk wheel, Minako said she was happy with the outcome of today's activity. She then looked at Victor and I saw myself full of pride, though I knew I had done nothing. It was all Victor. And to think that he used to run away from the talk wheel, and how he had trouble speaking when he finally had the courage to participate... He really had made a lot of progress. All of us, actually.

When the meeting was over, Victor offered me a ride. Unfortunately, as much as I wanted some more of his company, I had to refuse, because my mother had came to get me. 

As the car stopped in front of the gate, my mother called me and we approached. Victor greeter her, scaring himself soon after with the little ball of brown hair that clung to his arm.

Victor's eyes glittered as he stared at Vicchan, and my heart raced as I stared at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world! We are now one chapter closer to the end! There's so few left. I'm gonna miss this, even if it stress me a lot every week.   
> I'm gonna keep things short because I'm late, but I would really like to say tthanks to you all, readers, specially those who contacted me in any kind of way, be it on a comment or by inbox on tumblr (or both in some cases). Y'll can't even imagine how much I appreciate you guys. (*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡  
> The next chapter will come out on Friday, and our boys will finally cook together. As always, there will also be a chapter on Saturday.   
> That's all!  
> See you next week!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	32. Day 32

24/11/2017

 

Today was the fateful day when I fulfilled an old promise.

I went to Victor's house with butterflies fluttering in my stomach, the prospect of what was about to happen still sounding unbelievable in my ears. Along the way, I repeated “Going. Home. Victor” several times, in diverse orders that hadn’t made any of those random words more comprehensible.

They didn’t represent a rational idea, or a verbal expression that had for a rule to carry a meaning.

Those words weren’t filled with reason, but with emotion.

Burdened by my confusion, my fears and my anxiety, and also by a bitter hope that I was unable to contain, I pressed the doorbell. Beside me, Vicchan walked around my feet, sniffing every corner he could reach. I looked in his direction for a few seconds, apprehensive as I recalled Victor's proposal to try to acquaint our dogs. Honestly, I didn’t see how that could work, but it was worth a try; or at least that's what Victor convinced me after twenty minutes of argumentation, which was when I had pointed out to him all the things that could go wrong. Still, his stubbornness overcame mine.

But since stubbornness is not synonymous with results, of course the first thing Victor had to do after he opening the door was to hold Makkachin, who had come hurrying toward us, agitated and unfriendly, his fur bristling as he barked.

After the initial scare and a few apologies, Victor locked Makkachin in his room, though I insisted on calling my mother so she could come and get Vicchan. The idea of Makka being locked seemed wrong to me because he was in his house and it was his right to be a bit territorial. Victor, however, said it was time for his dog to realize that such behavior would no longer be tolerated.

“And I'd hate to miss the chance to get to know Vicchan because of Makka's bad behavior,” he added.

Still to the sound of barks, I followed Victor inside the house even though I was still uncertain if that was all right. I couldn’t imagine what reasons were responsible for Victor's attitude toward his dog, but I made a mental note to ask at the first opportunity. Because, if there was one thing I was sure of, was that something had happened.

Walking behind Victor, clutching the strap on Vicchan's collar so that he wouldn’t pull away, I observed silently the few furniture in the small house that made it feel uninhabitable. Not that Victor wasn’t trying to bring life to the environment, spreading some items here and there, but it still wasn’t near enough.

That wasn’t exactly the kind of dwelling I expected from him, especially from someone who spent so much time at home.

With a gesture, Victor asked me to sit on the couch.

“You can release him. The poor boy must be thirsty. I'll get him some water,” Victor announced as I settled between the cushions. “And you, what do you want?”

I had just released Vicchan, who ran away as soon as the opportunity arose, when the question reached my ears. I looked up, discovering his eyes on me while he waited for an answer.

“There’s no need,” I refused, politely, my words accompanied by a subtle movement of my head.

“Soda?”

“No…”

“A cup of coffee, then? Or would you prefer tea? Or maybe juice?”

Victor was in the kitchen, arranging a bowl of water. Vicchan came quickly to him, thirsty, and Victor watched him with a smile.

“No need, Victor. Really,” I said, drawing his attention back to me.

“I have lemonade…”

Realizing that he had no intentions of giving up so easily, I surrendered to his stubbornness and accepted a glass of lemonade. Victor smiled, clearly pleased, and went to the kitchen, returning shortly afterwards with two glasses.

As he sat down beside me, leaving a considerable distance between us, he turned in my direction and thanked me.

“I'm so glad you're going to teach me how to cook! I’ve been looking forward to it!”

“Just simple dishes. And I'll give you more tips than actually teach you anything... But first, don’t forget what you promised! You said we would finally have our talk about your job offer!”

“Yes, yes,” Victor nodded, reinforcing the idea that he hadn’t forgotten his words. Not that it was possible, since I made a point of remembering him of them at every opportunity.

However, starting this kind of conversation was always difficult, especially when Victor didn’t seem too excited to talk about it.

We stayed for a few seconds in an uncomfortable silence, in which the feeling I got was that we were both waiting for the other to break the quietness. Vicchan returned to our side, the fur near his mouth wet, his little tail wagging from side to side, and immediately Victor began to play with him.

“So soft…” He stroked the animal’s ears, that turned its head at the touch. Vicchan, however, was an agitated dog, and soon he hurried off to explore the living room.

Realizing that the tension in the environment had dissipated a little, I took the opportunity to bring up the subject.

“So... Was it a friend of yours who offered you the job?”

Victor’s blue eyes turned immediately toward me. Although I had thought he wasn’t going to be happy that I’d forcefully started the conversation, he smiled. Perhaps, he had more difficulty in bringing the subject up than actually talking about it.

“Chris. We've known each other for a long time. He was a skater, just like me, but he retired shortly before joining the senior category.”

“Was he hurt, too?” I asked, beginning to wonder how dangerous that sport was. I didn’t know much about it, but I’ve never thought ice skating was a risky sport.

But my guess couldn’t be more wrong.

“He discovered that his heart did not belong to the ice. He liked the sport, but not enough to give up on his life to continue his career.”

“And you kept contact?”

“Of course! He’s my best friend. He even knows of my whole situation, and he's been supporting me all this time.”

I will not lie. Knowing that there was someone who was so close to Victor stirred me. I could feel a bitter taste inside my mouth even though I knew well that feeling jealous was wrong.

I did not, however, have time for those negative and unproductive feelings, for Victor continued with his story.

“After my fall, Chris came to Russia to check on me, and when he saw the state I was in because of my injure and the pressure from the media, he dragged me to the United States. So, we started living together.”

“Wait,” I asked, the words he uttered slowly coming together in sentences that were understandable to my slow brain. “Do you live together? Here? I thought you lived alone!”

“I do. Well, me and Makkachin…” Victor said that as if it was obvious, which clearly wasn’t. He then explained himself. “I lived with him until about ten months ago, but Chris got in a relationship and I’d felt like I was getting in the way, if you know what I mean.”

"Oh," was the smartest thing I could say. One part of myself celebrated, and the other tried to put my feelings in order.

“He did say I didn’t need to leave, but I knew that I had to stop depending so much on him. Also, since Yakov had also begun to give me a bit more of space, I thought it was a good opportunity.

“And your parents didn’t mind you going far away?” I realized then that I was asking a lot of questions that had no relation to the subject of his employment. “Oh, sorry.”

Victor immediately understood the reason behind my apology.

“It's all right. It's my turn to tell you a story.” Victor smiled, and I smiled back, a heat rising in my chest the way it always did when Victor looked at me with those gentle eyes.

“Because of my profession, I haven’t spent much time at home. I was always training or participating in some competition, and the constant phone calls were never been enough. It wasn’t the same as talking face to face, after all. When I told my mother that I was moving to another country, she was very disappointed because she thought I was finally going back home.

He then told me about how they quarreled, because she didn’t want him to leave her alone. He didn’t tell me the details, but the scene have certainly not been beautiful.

“A second abandonment,” he lowered his head and looked at the hands that were clenched into tight fists, “first the husband, and then the son…”

I remained silent, watching with concern the way his shoulders shaked slightly. He didn’t seem to be crying, but he seemed to be making a huge effort to hold back the sobs. I let him calm down as, internally, I blamed myself for the poor choice of subject.

As I felt a hand rest on my leg, I looked up at Victor, who smiled despite his slightly red eyes.

“It's all right,” he spoke in a firm voice, "that’s all in the past.”

It was, however, difficult for me to accept that situation.

“Do you wish to talk to her once more?”

He scratched his head, his fingers wrapping around the silver strands. He pulled his hair back, away from his face, and then sighed, his eyebrows immediately curving down.

“I'm afraid of how she'd react.”

“But would you like to...?” I asked, wrapping his hand by mine, that were still resting on my leg.

We silently exchanged glances for longer than it was probably necessary. I made sure to keep my eyes firmly on his, making clear my desire for an answer.

“Yes…” He murmured, at last, his hand escaping from my touch as well as his gaze, which he threw at the walls. “But I don’t know how to do that.”

Seeing that the environment had become uncomfortable because of my insistence on that matter, I suggested that we take a look at the recipe that we would be making today to take, tomorrow, to the community snack. Victor quickly got up and reached for the computer, his eyes bright and serene again.

“Here.” Victor turned the notebook in my direction so I could see what was on the screen as well.

“A chicken pot pie, hmm... Sounds good. I didn’t know of this site.”

“Chris told me about it. He said their recipes are both easy and delicious.”

I glanced quickly at the instructions, which were written clearly, step by step. I glanced at Victor, whose eyes were full of anticipation.

With a smile, I asked:

“Let's go?”

 

\---

 

When Victor said he didn’t know his way in the kitchen, I was sure he would set the stove on fire, dirty the ceiling, or any of the things Leo would normally do. However, there was no way to even compare. Of course, he had his difficulties, but his problem seemed to be more about inexperience and lack of confidence than anything else.

As I blended the mixture, I looked over my shoulder and saw Victor watching a spoon closely. He poured some salt into the chicken and stirred the contents in the pan until the white crumbs disappeared. Then, he filled another spoon, emptying it by half before throwing some more inside the pan. After tasting it, his eyes narrowed, making it obvious that he was not quite sure about what he was doing.

“Are you having some problem there?”

“I don’t know. Maybe?” He said in a questioning tone.

I approached and gave him the mixing bowl, so he could keep blending the ingredients in my place, and I picked up a clean spoon to taste how the chicken tasted. Victor watched intently, evidently anxious. As soon as I emptied the spoon, he asked:

“So?”

“You tasted it, didn’t you?"

“Yes.”

“What were your thoughts?”

“That something was missing. So, I threw a little bit more salt, but it didn’t solve the problem.”

“Salt is not the only seasoning there is. Why don’t you try something different?”

“Because I didn’t know that and I only have salt at home,” he said, embarrassed.

I sighed and narrowed my eyes. Then, I sighed a second time, aware that it was partly my fault. I should have accompanied him to the market...

I went toward the refrigerator and looked at what we had at our disposal. As expected, there was almost nothing; but there was enough. I picked up the ketchup and tossed in a little, mixing it in the tomato sauce that, until then, was the sole responsible for the taste of the shredded chicken. Meanwhile, Victor watched closely.

“Just don’t put too much. Ketchup has a strong taste, in addition to sweetening the food.”

I then offered some of the sauce to Victor, bringing the spoon to his face. He opened his mouth and put it all in, staring directly into my eyes all the time even after pulling away. The scene was at least embarrassing, and I was beginning to think that Victor did that sort of thing on purpose, to see how I would react. I honestly don’t know what to think, and I don’t know if I even want to think anything at all.

When we finished cooking the chicken, I dumped the dough on the greased baking tray and Victor spread the chicken on it, which was then covered by more dough. We threw some cheese on top and took it to the oven.

“Done! Now all we have to do is wait.” I announced, turning toward Victor.

“Good.” He smiled widely. “And so, teacher? What do you think? Did I do well?”

“Hm, teacher it's a little too much…” I muttered, embarrassed. “You did well. With practice, you'll catch up quickly. Just don’t be afraid of making a mistake.”

Victor thanked me and we went back to the couch, since we had to wait for the pie to bake. We found Vicchan lying under the cushions in one of the corners of the sofa. We sat with him, close together so the dog wouldn’t have his sleep disturbed. The atmosphere was pleasant, serene, and the silence that settled was reassuring.

I fastly realized that was a good time to resume the subject.

“So... What are you going to do about Chris's offer?”

In response, he immediately frowned, his gaze uncomfortable.

“I don’t know.”

“What do you want to do?”

“I really don’t know.”

Victor was looking around, no doubt because he didn’t want to meet my eyes. His fingers tightened on the fabric of his pants, tensed, crumpling the fabric. The expressions on his face were familiar to me and I had seen them several times in the last few months, more specifically whenever he found himself trapped by his fear of failure.

A sigh escaped my lips and Victor immediately apologized, saying that I must have been tired of his indecision.

“That’s not it,” I shook my head from side to side, “it's just that I believe you can do it. I understand that you are afraid of failing, but I do believe in your potential.”

His body gradually relaxed. When he finally found himself willing, he turned in my direction and blinked a few times, his face slightly flushed. He tucked a lock of hair behind his ear and averted his eyes from mine once again. This time, however, his eyes had a distinct glow.

“Really?” He asked, shyly.

“Of course!”

I opened a confident smile to show that yes, I believed in him. Victor turned back toward me, with the same bright eyes.

“So... Do you think I should give it a try?”

He seemed a little uncertain, and I didn’t blame him for wanting someone else's opinion. However, I also knew that my response would greatly influence his decision, and that was not something I could let happen.

“My opinion doesn’t matter,” I clarified quickly.

Victor frowned, clearly dissatisfied.

“If your opinion didn’t matter, I wouldn’t have asked for it.”

“Yes, but I can't tell you what to do, because only you really know what your limits are. It doesn’t matter if I believe in your potential if you don’t have confidence in yourself.”

Victor fell silent, his expressions surprised, his lips parted. I said nothing else either, because there was nothing more I wanted to speak.

In the meantime, Vicchan had woken up and asked for attention, giving Victor an excuse to keep quiet for a while longer. However, the dog soon got tired of it and jumped to the ground, wishing to drink some more water, which made the environment uncomfortable.

I glanced at the man next to me, but his expressions remained the same. He seemed indecisive, but at the same time thoughtful. Most of all, he seemed ready to put off the subject as much as he could.

The silence was only interrupted when a loud bang reached our ears: the knocking of a door. Victor immediately looked at me, and I looked back, both wondering what that could have been. Then, Victor suddenly jumped up, his eyes wide and his eyebrows raised.

“Makka!”

Reality hit hard on both of our faces, waking us up.

He ran off toward the bedroom’s door, with me right behind him. We found the door open and a Makkachin sneaking toward Vicchan, his tail lifted and teeth bared. He growled as he walked slowly forward, ready to jump the smaller dog.

What neither Victor nor I expected was for Vicchan to confront him.

When Makkachin came menacingly close to him, Vicchan barked firmly, imposing himself. At the same instant, Makkachin stopped, suspicious of the small ball of fur that was half his size and yet dared to go against him.

Vicchan barked a few more times, his little sharp teeth showing. They stood in a tense exchange of glances, none of them taking a step forward. Meanwhile, neither Victor nor I knew what to do. We didn't know whether to intervene or simply watch.

After what seemed like hours, Makkachin lowered his head and approached the other dog. Suddenly, they began to sniff around, circling around each other, both still very suspicious. When Makkachin finally settled down, he headed toward the water bowl as Vicchan lay back down, ready for another nap, this time by the wall.

We, meanwhile, gazed at the unfolding of that plot, apparently neither of us believing that everything had really worked out so well.

“What was that?” I asked, confused.

“It seems they're friends now.” Victor smiled, seemingly really happy.

 

\---

 

Time passed slowly. In the background, the noise of the television comforted us with its presence. Every once in awhile I would look at the tv and make some sort of comment about the culinary program we had decided to watch, though we weren’t paying it much attention anymore. In a corner, glued to a wall, Vicchan and Makkachin slept quietly, curled up in a large ball of fur.

Next to me, Victor checked the pictures he had just taken of the two sleeping dogs, a smile on his lips. If it were not for me to stop him, he would probably still be on his knees, photographing them as if there was no tomorrow. While Victor was distracted by his cell phone, I flipped through a book I had found on the coffee table.

Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t usually check out or pick other people's things when visiting, after all it's intrusive and disrespectful. However, as soon as I saw the cover, coloured by dark tones of black and green, my hand moved by itself. That's because that was my book, the same one I'd borrowed him a few days ago.

A bookmark informed me that he was halfway through the book, and that made me want to ask him what he thought of the story. But I restrained myself, and the sound of an alarm was enough for me to forget the subject.

We quickly got up and headed to the kitchen, aware that the pie had finished cooking. Before taking it out of the oven, I checked if it was really ready and then I put it on the counter to cool down since we couldn’t unmold it before that. With time in hands, we busied ourselves cleaning the kitchen.

When we finally unmolded the pie, the result filled our eyes. Without any crack in the dough, I felt proud of the job well done. As soon as I turned toward Victor, ready to make some comment, which content I no longer even remember, I was taken by surprise when I saw he photograph the pie.

“Don’t tell me that you also post food pics on Instagram," I said, remembering immediately of a certain friend of mine who had this habit.

“What? No! I'm sending it to Chris. He asked to see it when ready.”

"Oh," I said, leaning against the counter. I looked at the pie and suddenly found myself with an idea. Okay, it wasn’t a good idea. In fact, it was anything but good. Was I making a mistake? Perhaps, quite probably. But that didn’t stop me. “Why don’t you send it to your mother, too?”

The reaction I received was at least expected.

Victor looked away from the cell phone to stare at me, his expressions confused as those of someone who thought they had misheard the words that reached their ears.

“My mother?” He asked, perhaps wanting to make sure it wasn’t a misunderstanding.

“Yes. Food is a great ice breaker.”

"True, but... I don’t know.” He glanced sideways, his brows furrowing at the same time. “What if she doesn’t reply?”

"You won’t know if she'll answer if you don’t give it a try.”

To be honest, I fully understood his insecurity. The prospect of trying a reconciliation just to be ignored by the other party is certainly not a feeling, a fear, easy to deal with.

For a while, Victor seemed thoughtful. Between his fingers, the cell phone was held firmly. Suddenly, he turned back toward me and his doubts were gone (or were hiding themselves very well).

“Okay.”

And then he typed once more, putting the cell phone in his pocket quickly as he pressed the send button. He had unsettled expressions on his face and his nervousness was apparent. His fingers drummed on his leg, but that seemed to irritate him, for he made a point of controlling himself.

When he realized that I was watching him, he found himself obliged to offer an explanation.

“If I keep it in my hand, I'll be even more anxious for her answer.”

“No, yes. I get it.” I blinked a few times, realizing that I had given him a wrong impression as I stared at him. “It's just that I do it too. I hide my cell phone in my pocket and pretend it doesn’t exist.”

Victor smiled, and I smiled back. Together, we laughed.

 

\---

 

When it was time for me to leave, Victor asked if I wanted him to take me home.

“It’s still early. The sun has not even set yet, and I don’t live that far. A walk will do me good. Besides, Vicchan loves to walk.”

Instinctively, I glanced at the little poodle at my feet, back on the leash. Vicchan barked and shook his small tail, as if to say that he could hardly wait for the walk home. Both Victor and I smiled as we watched the small animal.

“Okay then.”

Suddenly, we both fell silent. And, strangely, it was bothering me.

During all the afternoon we had spent together, I hadn’t thought not even once of our farewell. Okay, we'll see each other soon; the next day, to be more exact. So, it may seem silly that, as I looked at him, I already missed his company, but that was exactly what was happening.

We shared so many pleasant moments that day, and also so many nice conversations... Time passed too quickly. I didn’t want to say goodbye. Without knowing what to say, I was starting to feel embarrassed as I stared at him.

“Yuri, thank you.” Victor broke the silence. He smiled gently, his eyes half open and the expressions on his face serene. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“No problem. Just don’t forget to bring the pie tomorrow. And, uh... I wish I could have helped you more with, well, all the other stuff too.”

“And you helped!” He said, quickly. “I messaged my mother and, okay, she still haven’t answered, but this has been a big step! Besides…” He looked to the side, to the ceiling, to all places except me. “Hm, well... I think I'll try working for Chris…”

At the words, a wide smile sprout on my lips. Happiness grew inside my chest and multiplied until saturating my emotions.

“Really?!” I exclaimed, feeling that my voice had risen an eighth, but I couldn’t care less.

Victor nodded, with a dull smile.

“That's really cool!”

“Thanks to you,” he gestured toward me, shyly.

My reaction was to make noises that carried no sense, but which’s meaning was universal: “Here we go again.”

“I’ve already said it... It's all you! You are awesome! Everything will work out. There's no way it won’t.” My voice probably sounded more lively than necessary. But, again, I couldn’t care less.

Before a flushed Victor, I saw my smile widen even more. I liked that look on his face. It was cute.

We stayed quiet for a while, only exchanging stares from time to time, both visibly embarrassed in front of the other. Makkachin came up behind Victor and pushed his muzzle against Vicchan's. They seemed to have really become good friends, and I’d already realized that I would have to arrange a meeting for them whenever it was possible.

When I returned my attention to Victor, I noticed that he was staring at the floor, his eyes half open, his expressions serious, full of anticipation. He then looked into my eyes, and I felt my heart freeze with nervousness.

He then came over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

At the unexpected gesture, I was unable to contain my embarrassment. Even after he pulled away, I could still feel the warmth and softness of his lips against the skin of my cheek. I covered  with a hand the place haunted by the memory of those sensations, wishing to prevent them from disappearing. My heart was pounding and I was sure that my face was completely red; my only relief was to know that I was not the only one. Victor looked from the ground to me, seemingly uncertain of where to look.

I thought I should say something. Something clever. Something that was not compromising. Something that diverted our attentions from what had just happened. Something that made the environment less embarrassing.

“Goodbye,” was all I could say, though.

Victor smiled shyly, apparently as uncertain as I was about how to proceed. He nodded and closed the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world. Hope your week has been good. I've been having texts so mine has being boring, but I've started playinh Animal Crossing on my mobile and it's so cuteee ♡♡ I'm in love. If I knew it would be this cute, I'd have started it earlier (or played the games, or whatever).   
> About this chapter, it's the last of the specials, after all, we're not that far from the end of this story!  
> Now, I have a question.   
> I've been thinking on getting a beta reader, because I feel.. I know I let stupid mistakes pass by, and, also, I wonder if my writting style is compatible with the way the writting is done in english. So, I was thinking of getting a beta to help me. However, I've never used one so I don't even know where to start looking, or how it's done. I've never needed a beta because I'm quite good while writting in portuguese, and only now that I'm translating my stuff to english is that I'm missing one. Does anyone has any tips? Please?  
> That's all. See you all tomorrow. 
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	33. Day 33

25/11/2017

 

When I arrived at SGADP unaccompanied, the only one surprised was Victor. He immediately asked for Phichit, whose presence on the lectures had become habitual. We explained that he was wrapped up in some college stuff and, therefore, wouldn’t be able to come today, even though he wanted to. Victor nodded in understanding and invited us to sit with him.

As we waited for Minako to get ready, both Victor and I were caught in a cycle of silence where it was obvious that we both wanted to say something to the other, but were unable to because we ended up running over the other’s words and going back to silence. Victor, smiling in embarrassment, put a hand on the back of his neck and looked away as I focused on my hands, that were resting on my lap. Guang and Leo laughed between themselves, probably enjoying the scene, but they made no comment.

“Did you bring the pie?” I finally asked, bringing up the first thing I could think of. But as soon as Victor informed me that he had already left in in the back, we returned to the awkward silence from before.

Honestly, I don’t know why that was happening. Luckily, the start of the lecture gave me an excuse to leave my worries aside.

Today, the theme was undoubtedly the most interesting so far. We talk about procrastination and how our state of mind can lead us away even from activities that would normally give us pleasure, and I have never related so much to the words and terms that Minako usually write on the whiteboard. I also found the part about emotional laziness very interesting, which is a subject I’ll be sure to investigate more deeply when I have the opportunity.

When it was over, Minako looked tired. Her eyes, however, glowed, satisfied with the return she had received. Comments, exchange of experiences, doubts... In all my months at SGADP, I’ve never seen people participating so much.

Immediately, I turned towards my friends, wishing to know their thoughts of today’s lecture, but I found only Victor beside me. When he realized he was being stared at, he looked in my direction and, seeing my confused expressions, explained that Guang and Leo had already gone to the back to eat.

Internally, I made a mental note to comment on their behavior later, but I decided to let it go.

“Did you like the lecture?” Victor asked, certainly asking just to be polite, since I was sure my eyes shone throughout all the lecture. I smiled and nodded, in a quiet yes.

We sat for a while, talking, enjoying that the conversation was flowing normally again. I asked if his tantrum with Makkachin had subsided since yesterday, and Victor sighed. “He deserved it. You know, I'm tired of his behavior. I wish he hadn’t made a scene at least yesterday, since you came to my house,” he grumbled. Seeing the opportunity and feeling a little more carefree than normal, I asked: “Hm, just because I was going there? Should I feel special?”

Okay, time out. I feel like I must explain one thing before proceeding. This kind of provocation is something I usually do with Phichit. An old, reciprocal gag, practically an inside joke.

At that moment, though, it wasn’t with Phichit that I was talking to, and I wonder if my brain had forgotten that.

Victor blushed, his lips falling open as no answer came out. He was about to say something when I interrupted him, feeling suddenly desperate. I pushed the subject aside and made sure to prevent Victor from bringing it up, something he tried to do a few times. As time went by, he gave up and accepted that we wouldn’t be having that conversation anytime soon. Shortly after, Victor said that he hated to put an end to the fun, but that he had to go to work.

A smile immediately sprang on my lips as I asked for more details. He explained that he was officially starting only on Monday, but that he would be covering up for an employer who couldn’t come today. I wished him good luck and repeated at least three times that everything would work out. Hiding within me a great wish to embrace him, I bid him farewell with a nod as he left the gate. I spent some time contemplating the weather outside, where a thin rain fell from the sky, and then I joined my friends.

The first thing Leo told me when he saw me was: “This pie is delicious! What’s the secret ingredient? Love?” My lack of reaction was enough for them to ask me what had happened (this time). Not even knowing where to start, I told them everything from my visit to his house, through the kiss he gave me on the cheek, to my accidental flirt from just now. Guang and Leo exchanged glances, evidently confused.

“Wait…” Leo began, but it was Guang who continued: “Hm, Yuri, aren’t you two dating?” The question sounded so sincere that I didn’t know how to respond. Embarrassed, but mostly confused, I said no. Apparently, they thought we were already dating secretly, and that we hadn’t spoken up about it yet because we're two embarrassed idiots. “We thought everything was settled, so we never said anything about the hug. Or did you think we didn’t know about it?" Leo had a grin on his face.

Two slices of chicken pot pie after, with all the necessary clarifications done, Guang asked me if I didn’t intend to tell Victor how I felt. “Don’t you think it's time?”

Aware that I had to be sincere, I told them I knew I should be honest about how I feel. However, my fear of being rejected and that he could distance himself from me was great, and it was not something I could just ignore. They assured me that this kind of insecurity was normal, and that I shouldn’t let her control me.

“Don’t you want him to know?”

“What if he doesn’t like me?”

“That won’t happen, but, if it does, do you really think Victor is a total asshole who would treat you differently for something like that?” Leo smiled and put a hand on my shoulder and then said something about me being Victor’s greatest defender for lost causes. I smiled as I recalled the events of a now distant past.

The passing of time is really funny. People change, as do the feelings they carry for each other. My past self has no idea of the things that await him.

A firm smile and a determined stare were all my friends needed to understand that I had finally found my resolve.

I was ready to confess my feelings to Victor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, world! Another Saturday another chapter!  
> I'm gonna keep things short this time since I said everything I had to say yesterday, but hey I did a fanart for this fic. I'm not that good at drawing but I tried. You can see it [here](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/167883210788/a-drawing-i-did-for-my-fic-open-wound-closed).  
> That's all for today. Comments would be nice. Leave me some love below.  
> See you next week!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	34. Day 34

02/12/2017

 

As I set foot in the hall, Leo approached and pulled me by the hand. I didn’t quite understand what was happening until we reunited with Guang, who was waiting for us in the yard of concrete. “Are you ready?” Guang asked, smiling gently as if asking if I had any questions about what I had to do. “Uhn, no. I'm not ready at all.” Leo grumbled that I had had a full week to prepare, and I responded with a complaint that they couldn’t really expect me to simply go to him and say, "Hi, Victor, I have something very important to tell you, you know I... “

Before I could continue with my sarcasm, though, Victor came up from behind me and asked what it was that I wanted to talk about. I jumped in surprise and cursed my karma. I grinned nervously and guided him back inside. When I looked over my shoulder, I saw my friends gesturing what could only mean good luck.

As soon as we were far enough, I tried to get away from the previous subject. However, it didn’t seem like he would let me escape so easily.

“What do you want to talk about?” Feeling the despair grow inside me, growing larger with every second I failed to give him an answer, I asked how things were going at his new job. “I still don’t even know in what kind of place you're working at. I'm curious.” Victor didn’t sound very convinced, but replied that it was kind of a diner, but specialized in fine dishes.

I said it must be really nice, and he told me he was enjoying the experience.

As we talked, Minako came out of nowhere and asked if she could talk to Victor for a moment. With that, I returned to the company of my friends, who greeted me with disappointed expressions.

As soon as I got close enough, Leo complained that there had been no hugs, kisses, tears, or anything of the kind, which clearly meant that I had not yet confessed. Stressed out, I complained that they couldn’t really expect me to simply go to him and confess. Guang then asked me what exactly I was waiting for, to which I replied that I was waiting for the right moment. “Right moment?” Leo raised one of his eyebrows, “Like what? Fireworks? A romantic dance? You do know these things only happen in books, right?” I grunted that I was, of course, aware of that, even though my writer-self squirmed inside me.

In the end, I think it was exactly that that I was expecting. A magical and perfect moment. An unreal setting.

As people began to organize themselves for the talk wheel, we went into the hall and helped to arrange the chairs in a circle. Minako had just turned on the radio when we finally sat down.

And then it began.

As always, she asked how the members were doing and if they had any experience they would like to share. The only person who had anything relevant to say was Victor, who commented on his first week at work. Apparently, in addition to working as a waiter, Chris was teaching him how to cook a few dishes. Minako seemed to like what she heard, for she smiled the whole time.

While everyone was getting ready to leave, our quartet reunited one last time that day. Guang and Leo congratulated Victor on finally having decided to work, both quite happy to see the old member of SGADP making some progress. The attention then turned suddenly to me when Guang asked if I had already gone to see him at work. I said no, immediately receiving an invitation from Victor to visit his workplace any day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world. How have you been?  
> We are so close to the end, I can almost grasp it. Almost. Because I haven't written it yet. Yeh... I've not been in the mood to write and that's sad. Hope I find my inspiration sometime this week. I've got so much stuff to write this month *sigh*.  
> Well, I don't really have anything to say today. I've been having test for 2 weeks straights, so I haven't had a life in a long time. =T   
> See you all next week!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	35. Day 35

09/12/2017

 

The first thing I noticed when I arrived at SGADP was that Victor and Minako were talking near to the gate. As always, I was unable to stop my eyes from looking for him on the background. My lack of self-control was a problem. When he realized I was watching him, he directed me one of his typical smiles.

As I waved toward him, all I could think of was about how the expressions I had on my face were certainly ridiculous. It was becoming harder and harder to hide my feelings, but confessing was also not an easy task.

As much as my feelings begged to be spoken about, the words simply wouldn’t come. Courage wouldn’t come. And, fully aware of my inability to be honest, I felt tormented.

Whenever I looked at Victor, I immediately thought of all the words that died on my lips just to never be said.

So, when Minako reunited us in the room, asked us to form pairs and announced that we should dance together to the rhythm of the music, I concluded that fate was joking with me; after all, obviously my pair was none other than Victor.

When he came to me and held out his hand, my heart raced. Victor smiled and, lost in the quiet blue of his eyes, I accepted his invitation to a dance. He pulled me by the hand to one corner of the room and settled his hands into my body. He guided me from side to side, but even now I still don’t know exactly what we were dancing to, since all I could see, hear and feel at that moment was Victor.

Music? What music? In my ears, there was only the sound of our footsteps, of our breaths and of the few comments he had made while we danced – which were, for the most part, he asking me to stop looking at the floor.

However, looking at him was difficult, because it would make me remember my feelings. My heart was racing faster and faster and my face burned with an incurable fever.

Suddenly, Victor stopped moving. Confused, I was only able to understand that the activity was over when he moved away from me. With some distance between us, I was able to absorb the rest of the environment, noting quickly that the people had already dispersed in order to take advantage of the brief interval.

However, I had not yet fully awakened from my trance. I was still haunted by the feelings left by his touch. More than ever, I wished I could be honest. I wished I had the courage.

I looked in his direction and noticed that Victor also carried serious expressions on his face. Maybe our dance had affected him, too, although this was probably nothing more than a wish of mine.

After a while, he smiled. His smile seemed strange, unusual. His lips moved restlessly, eager to speak. His face was flushed, but after dragging me through the room this was expected. He had finally got the guts to talk whatever it was when his phone rang. It was Yakov. With an apology, he said he needed to answer it and walked away.

Suddenly alone, I considered the possibility of joining my friends, but they seemed to be lost in a world of their own, so I chose to give them some privacy. I went to the bathroom, wishing to wash my face and check the expressions I carried on my face; luckily, they weren’t that bad.

When it was time for the talk wheel, I reveled that sometimes I found myself envying others for silly things. Minako told me that, if there was something I wanted, I should try to do something about it and not just expect magic solutions. She also said that I shouldn’t, however, be envious of others, for every situation is unique and it would be futile to try to copy it.

I was already leaving when Victor came back to my side, asking to speak to me for a moment. During the wheel, he’d sat a little distant, his featured anxious and thoughtful; now, only his anxiety remained. His eyebrows were down, tense, but his eyes were resolute. He led me to a corner and stared at me in silence for longer than I would have liked. His silence made me think of my own unspoken words…

I looked at my hands, to the sides and then back toward Victor. That was a good time, was it not? To open up and tell him what I felt, to say that friendship was no longer enough.

But before I could confess, he did it first.

I don’t remember his exact words or his expressions; the only thing I vaguely remember is that he stumbled on his own words a couple of times while confessing to be in love with me. An incoherent noise was all that left my lips, and my heart beat so fast that I felt the pressure build up in my ears. I remained silent, not by will, but because I was unable to speak at that moment.

I was in shock and couldn’t believe that this was really happening.

Confronted by my silence, and probably realizing that his words had shaken me – though not in the way he had interpreted it – Victor said it was okay, that he understood.

His eyes weren’t shining. He wasn’t smiling. He was misunderstanding my silence.

Practically having an attack (most likely having an attack, actually), I cursed myself internally for not being able to respond. I loved him. I love him. But words are complicated and confusing, and there were so many things in my head that my vision was already a little blurred.

After waiting a little longer, Victor looked sideways and forced himself to smile. “Don’t worry,” his voice sounded lower than usual. He told me to give him an answer whenever I could and started to walk away, but unconsciously I held his arm.

My fingers gripped the fabric of his blouse. I looked in his direction and my lips moved, but quietly. Something as simple as talking had become impossible. Words were nothing more than the silent echo of my feelings. Unfortunately, Victor didn’t seem to understand them. He gently took my hand between his and got rid of them.

“You don’t have to give me an answer,” he said, his voice now obviously saddened. “Sorry to put you in this uncomfortable situation,” he murmured before leaving with a shadow on his back.

My heart was broken, but the one who suffered from the illusion of being rejected was not even me. I condemned myself for my silence. Words so simple, so rooted in my body and soul, but still they were unable to defeat my greatest enemy: my anxiety.

I went home thinking to myself when it had been the last time I had gone home by bus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world. How are you?  
> I'm really sorry about making things longer unnecessarily (that's why I hate writting long stories, I'm simply not good at knowing what's good, what's too much...). How do one know where to draw the line?? Maybe next time I will write all the story first. Then, I think I would be able to control better this kinda problem.  
> Well, that's all for today.   
> See you next week.
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	36. Day 36

16/12/2017

 

It was late last night when I discovered that I would have my Saturday free. For health reasons, Minako wasn’t able to attend SGADP today.

As soon as I saw the notification, I sent a message to the WhattsApp group to ask my friends if they had any plans for the next day, because I really wanted to make use of the time I now had available. Lately, staying home on Saturdays would made me strangely uncomfortable; even more than the way I’ve been feeling about Leo and Guang, from whom I’m still hiding the fact that I’ve received a love confession from Victor. Don’t get me wrong, it's not that I don’t trust them. I am, however, a coward, and I need no one but Phichit telling me the obvious. I know I screwed up. I know I need to confess. I really do.

Anyway, I ended up with none of their companies. Leo and Guang had already scheduled to go on a date, and Phichit refused to go out with me anywhere claiming that I had something more important to do: go visit Victor’s working place.

With nothing else to do, I decided to go; after all, staying home would only make me think even more about Victor than I already think, and also think about how stupid I’ve been last week.

It was only when I arrived at the diner that I remembered that Victor worked only late into the afternoon.

I sat down at one of the tables and waited, watching with curiosity the refined decor of the place. There were embroidered towels covering all the tables, as well as pictures decorating the walls. The chairs were comfortable and there was a delicious scent taking over the place. There was, however, no client besides me, and that made me worry about my wallet…

“What would you like?” When I came to, a waiter was by my side, with a polite smile on his lips. His short blond hair was styled to the back and he wore a black uniform. Something about him caught my attention, and I immediately found myself with the impression that I knew who he was.

“Chris?” I said, speaking before thinking. The man's eyes widened and he looked confused as to how I could know his name. I felt I owed him an explanation. “Victor told me about you.”

The expressions on his face became more jovial and less rigid, to which he relaxed considerably. “Yuri?” He asked, pointing in my direction and smiling. He looked quite happy. “You're Yuri, aren’t you? I'm Christophe. It’s a pleasure meeting you!”

He reached for some coffee, sat down with me and we began to talk. I was surprised (and embarrassed) to discover that Victor talked so much about me, and only good things. Suddenly, I began to feel down, the memories of last week haunting me.

Victor didn’t deserve to have gone through what happened. In fact, I don’t even understand why it happened. Why was it so difficult for me to say that I love him? What am I so afraid of?

Chris, who was sitting in front of me, showed himself to be perceptive, for I didn’t even have to open my mouth for him to realize that something bothered me. He asked me what had happened and I was about to tell him everything when I stopped myself, regaining my mind. If they were as close as they seemed, and certainly were, Chris no doubt knew Victor liked me and had confessed; so, he would also know that I rejected him (even if by accident).

As I tried to figure out a way to get rid of that situation, Chris was watching me closely, his expression serious and thoughtful.

“You actually like him, don’t you?’ He asked, though he didn’t seem to have any doubts. Surprised, all I could do was blush and look shyly at my cup of cold coffee. He smiled, pleased.

Chris then asked me why I had rejected Victor if our feelings were reciprocal. Knowing that there was no more reason for lies at this point, I said that even I myself didn’t understand why I did that. The words hadn’t come out, I was nervous, I went into shock... I told him everything, and he listened to each word attentively. Finally, Chris said that I should stop thinking about the past and focus on the future, because what is in the past has already been left behind and there is now a sea of possibilities forward. “If you were not able to do it that time, try again, and again, as many times as necessary.” His advice seemed valid, so I decided to take it into account.

Shortly after Victor arrived, his eyes widening in surprise as he saw me sitting next to Chris, drinking coffee quietly. He blushed and stared at me, seemingly unsure of what to do. I waved at him and smiled, trying, as Chris suggested, to leave the past behind.

In order to leave us a bit alone, Chris said he was going to get some sweets for me to try, and although I said he didn’t need to, he insisted and said it would be on the house. “Just bring some friends next time,” he blinked suggestively before disappearing behind a door.

Victor sat down with me and asked how I was doing, notoriously nervous. His nervousness, of course, infected me. Not wishing to fall into an uncomfortable silence, I asked how his first week had been at his new job. Victor excitedly told of his experience. “A shame the place is not very well known.”

While he shared a story that had happened last Wednesday, Chris joined us again, but this time he came accompanied by a slice of cake and a tall, medium-long brown haired boy, that he said to be his boyfriend. “The best cook in town,” Chris said as he kissed the man in the face. He, in turn, blushed, his face being swiftly taken by a vivid scarlet.

As soon as Chris set the dish in front of me, I could not help but be amazed. If the cake was as tasty as it was beautiful, it would be perfect. I was about to take a bit of it when Victor stopped me. He asked me to wait for a moment, picked up his cell phone and photographed the plate. Chris asked, impatiently, until when he was going to keep doing this. Victor, however, didn’t seem to have heard the complaints of his boss and friend, as he was too busy typing. Immediately, I asked who he was sending the photo to, because the last time I saw him acting like that, the person receiving it was Chris. His response, however, was unexpected, and brought me an indescribable joy.

“You and your mother are sending pics of food to each other?!” I have to admit I was enjoying the situation. It was, after all, funny. “Well, I tried to send a text once, but she ignored me. The photos, at least, she responds by sending a photo of what she did at home. Apparently, she loves cooking.”

An advance.

I was truly happy for him. My hand gripped his arm and I was about to get up and hug him when I remembered that I should not do that, since that would only complicate things further.

If I hadn’t been an idiot, if I had told him that I loved him too... Forget the hug, I could kiss him on the lips and snuggle in his chest as we exchanged gentle whispers. But I'm such an idiot, so none of this will happen anytime soon.

A few minutes later, I announced I had to go. Victor, sadly, asked if I wasn’t going to at least see him wearing his uniform. As tempting as it sounded, I told him that I really had to go, but I promised to show up again, and that, next time, I expected to be attended especially by him.

We said goodbye and I left. My desire to tell him my feelings greater than ever. Regrettably, I still didn’t know how to get them out.

Why couldn’t the answer to my problems be simple and obvious?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world.  
> Sorry about the late update. I've been sick since yesterday, and specially yesterday I was in no condition to use the computer.  
> Now, let me ask you all for something. Could you send me your favorite moments of the fic? It's for the last chapter.   
> Well, that's all.   
> Sorry about any typos.   
> See you next week. 
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	37. Day 37

23/12/2017

 

The first abnormality I took notice off was the gas cylinder leaning against the wall. Although curious, I did not question it, aware that the answers would come sooner or later.

The second was the strange, but understandable, Christmas spirit that had infected everyone. The smiles seemed more sincere and the conversations laidback. Even I myself liked this time of year, although for different reasons; it was one of the few periods when I was able to be with my sister, who would come to spend two or three days with us as things in the Onsen calmed down a bit. Despite her constant taunts, it was always good to have her around.

As for my friends, Leo and Guang, I must admit that it was good to finally put an end to the discomfort I had been feeling toward them. It was the second best thing that happened to me today.

The best was that Victor and I started dating.

Throughout the activity, I wondered how I could put an end to the misunderstanding. Whenever I began to curse myself for my cowardly and insecure behavior, Chris’s words echoed in my ears. Among the things I wanted to leave behind that year, the habit of paying more attention to my mistakes from the past than to the opportunities brought by the future certainly stood out.

I wrote down this bad habit of mine on the small piece of paper that Minako had distributed earlier and then I waited for the others. Next, we gathered near the gate, accompanied by the gas cylinder. Minako filled the balloons with helium and we let our regrets fly skyward. Hopefully, they would not come back to haunt us anytime soon.

As the balloons disappeared through the clouds, I felt the tension in my chest lessen. With confidence emanating from every pore of my body, and a determination I had not shown in months, I held Victor’s arm. Immediately, his eyes left the celestial immensity that stretched endlessly over our heads and turned toward me.

With the start of the break, everyone had dispersed, mostly going back into the building. Guang glanced in our direction, but Leo led him inside with a gentle smile on his lips, seemingly realizing that something big was about to happen.

Victor looked confused. He tried to smile, but his nervousness stopped him. My silence must have been torturing him, but now that I was in front of him, I had once again become the scared boy from always.

“So?...” He asked, running his eyes away from mine. “What do you want to talk about?”

My lips were dry and my subconscious begged me to get away from the subject, as usual, but I swallowed my fears and focused on his eyes. I knew I was flushed, and that my lips trembled. However, I couldn’t care less.

“A question for a question,” Victor was confused for a millisecond, but then his thought reached mine and, understanding the situation, he asked what I wanted to talk about. “About us,” I replied. I held his hand and forced myself to keep my eyes on his even if that became each second more embarrassing. “If it’s not too late, would you like to go out with me?”

As expected, I soon reached my limit and looked away. But then a hand rested against my chin and lifted my face. Victor smiled gently, the way I loved so much.

What happened next was so natural that I only understood what had happened when he moved away from me, leaving me with a warm, nostalgic sensation on my lips. “Is this enough for an answer?” Victor laughed briefly, his ears red.

As for the rest of the day, I don’t think I have anything meaningful to say. After all, nothing compared to, or even came close to, the soft, gentle kisses I exchanged with Victor near the gate of SGADP.

After chatting a bit with Minako, sharing our plans for the holiday, I went home knowing I had a lot to tell to the two witnesses who, obviously, spied everything from inside the building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world! Just a bit more and you all will be free from me. Yeah, I know, you can't wait.   
> Anyway...  
> Can't wait to see everyone next week, on the last chapter! Hoje you've liked the story so far!
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


	38. Day 38

30/12/2017

 

Today, the mood was that of a farewell.

Accompanied by Victor, I arrived at SGADP already feeling emotional. It didn’t matter if in a few months the meetings would return, or that I would definitely go out with my friends in January, to know that there would be no group meetings for a whole month shaked me in a way I doubt I could explain. I’ve gone through so many experiences and I’ve learnt so much that unexpected it would be for me to not have a void where it should be beating my heart.

Having to say goodbye to a routine that I so much enjoyed, even if temporarily, saddened me.

Victor seemed to realize and share of my feelings as I can still feel the warmth of his arm over my shoulders. The comfort of his half-embrace was comforting.

After leaving our pie on the table, we joined the other two boys who were already waiting for us, sitting in front of the whiteboard. Guang nodded and Leo smiled widely. We talked leisurely until the beginning of the lecture that ended up being anything but a lecture.

One thing I feel I should say right now, even if it cuts my line of reasoning a little, is that if I thought I should be embarrassed for being so emotional on such a non-special day, I changed my mind as soon as I saw the doctor.

Doctor Minako's hair was loose and messy, and with her she brought nothing but a box of tissues. Beside me, Leo murmured a “and here we go again", whose meaning I didn’t take long to understand. It was not hard to see how much SGADP meant to her.

In her farewell speech, which she insisted on not calling it a farewell, she told us what the group was to her. In her words, every week, we made her a more complete person. Each participant always had something to teach her, and the affection she felt toward each of us was that of a mother. When someone opened up or felt moved given a situation, she would be extremely happy because she felt that, despite the difficulties, her work was helping us to deal better with the problems that for so long we simply ignored.

With a tissue wiping away the tears she was unable to contain, she said she hoped to see us all again when SGADP resumed with its activities. However, she said she was aware that this might be asking too much. People have their own way, their own lives, and every family has to say goodbye to someone at some point. Her only request was for the person to be well and happy with their choice, and to let them know that they could always count on her for any difficulty.

It was then that Victor snuggled me into his chest, wrapping me by his arm and pulling me closer, allowing me to lay my head on his shoulder. The sobs weren’t stopping and my eyes were bursting with tears. I cry easily. I've cried for less than that. If I'd known, I'd have brought my own box of tissues…

Listening to Minako's reminiscences, some events from even before I’ve entered SGADP, made me remember of my own experiences. It seems like it was yesterday that Celestino, in one of our appointments, commented on the possibility of me participating in a therapy group; and who would imagine that, after much research, Phichit would end up finding the group of an acquaintance of my psychiatrist.

The world is really full of coincidences... However, it was thanks to these coincidences that I’ve got where I am today. So, I thank my good luck.

I thank also the good friends I’ve made during the first week, because, were it not for them, I might not have had the strength to continue the treatment. Guang and Leo have become indispensable in my life and I am grateful to have them as friends. They were with me in my difficult moments, in the joyful moments, in my crises... When Victor disappeared, they were by my side. When I felt bad for thinking that I had meddled in their lives, they assured me that it had been no big deal. When I needed advice, they always tried to help me the best they could.

Their patience toward me has always been colossal, and I am sure that this is because they are very kind people.

And since I'm talking about people who are important to me, of course I can’t not talk about Victor. Who would have thought that my “volunteer” would eventually become not only my boyfriend, but also my safe haven, a friendly shoulder. I remember perfectly the time I was watching him, his eyes falling to the ground and his smile fading gradually as soon as he thought he was alone. I remember how he tried to smile, and failed.

Victor was always interesting and full of secrets. From the mysterious photo that haunted me for months until his complicated past, there were many enigmas that I encountered in the course of our friendship. Every time I finished peeling one of his layers, ten new ones showed up. But I think it was his complexity that attracted me. Before I knew it, my eyes would search for him whenever they had the chance; and when they found his in me, wow. The world seemed lighter and my heart raced, moved by the emotions that bubbled inside me.

I love him. It haven’t been sudden, and I have no idea how exactly it happened, but I'm glad that I fell in love with someone like him.

And I could talk more about Victor, and the moments we’ve shared, but if I start I feel like I will never stop. There were so many special moments shared by the two of us that choosing a favorite would be difficult; or rather, impossible. There are all special.

And here I am, once more feeling emotional as I finish writing this text, remembering all the hugs and kisses I’ve shared with Victor, and the conversations and laughs I’ve exchanged with my friends.

This has been a good year. The best? Probably not. However, I feel that I am now stronger thanks to the companies I’ve won, which I intend to keep forever. And, together with them, I plan to continue my daily struggles against myself; against my fears, my insecurities, my paranoia.

After Minako had finished her speech, everyone went toward the table on the back, which was bountiful than usual. Then, there were many hugs, promises, good wishes for the new year... Minako made a point of giving a bear hug in each one of the participants and, when it was time to leave, no one was in a hurry.

Today was a day I doubt I'll forget so soon.

And with this I finish my last report of 2017; with a smile on my face and a soul anxious for what awaits me in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, world.   
> After 8738763 years, this fic finaly reaches its end. And I know you all want to get rid of me already, but I'd like to say a few last words about OWCH. If you can read it, I would greatly appreciate it.  
> OWCH is not a love story. Romance is nothing more than a bonus, a sub-plot, so if you started reading this story because you wanted to read about their relationship (Victor and Yuri’s) you must be pretty disappointed.  
> OWCH is about Yuri, Victor, about you and me. OWCH is about all the people who have to live their lives although sometimes they don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning. Talking about anxiety and depression is not easy; it’s just not more difficult than living with these problems; and, regrettably, there are many people who suffer from these disorders. Therefore, I think it’s important to bring discussions about it whenever possible, even if through a fic with super superficial and short chapters.  
> If there is one thing I hope to have passed through this story is that seeking professional help is no big deal. It’s important to seek treatment and no one should feel ashamed to recognize that they suffer from anxiety or depression. Does anyone here stop themselves from going to the doctor when he breaks a leg? Yeah, guessed so. But when the issue is their mental health, people don’t give the same importance.  
> So, it’s fine if you're a bit slow to do things your friends do so naturally. It's okay if you don’t like talking on the phone. It's okay if your best friend called you, inviting you out, and you decided to stay home because you didn’t feel like sseing anyone's face that day. It's okay to worry about stupid stuff once in a while. The problem is not you, but people who expect everyone to live a life in a certain way and despise those who are unable to.  
> You are you and only you yourself know what your limits are and what pace is comfortable to you. Be happy, seek help if you find it necessary and don’t be afraid to speak of your problems. In addition, I would like to leave a note here: If you need someone to talk or let off steam, feel free to send me a PM. It doesn’t matter if I've never talked to you, it doesn’t matter if you're a ghost reader, it doesn’t matter if we're bffs... If I can help, I'll gladly help.  
> And with that I say my farewell, hoping to see you all again sometime. If you liked this story maybe you could check my other works? That would make me really happy. (◕‿◕)  
> Kudos and comments would be really, really, reeeeallly nice. If you have something to say, go on. I'm also open to criticism.  
> Sorry about the long rant and goodbye.
> 
> I got a commission with a friend of mine, check the art [here](https://www.instagram.com/p/BdInyjbh1rS/?hl=pt-br&taken-by=suppacchi) and give her some hearts if you like it. (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡
> 
> [Link to the masterpost.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com/post/161255140163/open-wounds-closed-heart-synopsis-sometimes-it) A reblog would help me a lot, so consider it, please, if you are liking this work.  
> [Find me on tumblr.](http://nekoclair.tumblr.com) Come and chat with me!


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